“AITA for not giving a family engagement ring to my stepsister?”
When my dad proposed to my mom, my paternal grandparents (aka dad’s parents) gave him a ring from their family to propose to mom with. My grandparents adored my mom and saw her as a daughter (they had four boys) and wanted to welcome her to the family with the ring. She treasured it and before she died she and they had discussed my grandparents keeping it safe for me.
After my mom died my dad remarried. His second wife was upset that she wasn’t offered the ring like my mom was. My grandparents explained it was being kept safe for me, as the last owner had wanted her only child (aka me) to have it.
My dad’s wife came into the marriage with a daughter just like dad had me. I was 9 and she was 7. We’re now 22 (me) and 20 (her). My stepsister got engaged a few weeks ago. Her boyfriend proposed without a ring because he wanted her to pick one out.
She decided to ask dad if she could have the family engagement ring. He asked my grandparents and they said no. His wife told my grandparents it might not be me but the ring would still be going to their granddaughter.
They said not the granddaughter it was intended for and my stepsister was not my mom’s daughter therefore she would not be entitled to it and my mom would have hated to see it go to my stepsister.
When speaking to my grandparents failed, my dad and his wife came to me. My stepsister was upset that they didn’t overrule what my mom wanted. She has some abandonment issues.
Her dad abandoned her, neither side of her biological family want her and my grandparents and uncles are the only extended family she ever had but she always felt like they favored me because of how much they loved my mom and how often they spoke about her and about us (me and mom).
Them turning her down really got her down. So my dad and his wife wanted me to make it up to her and wanted me to take the ring and then give it to her. My dad said it would mean so much to my stepsister and while it would mean I don’t get that ring, I could still get another ring and it would make a family member happy.
His wife said they had both lived in my mom’s shadow from day one and this could be a time where they are not treated as secondary to my mom. She said her daughter always adored me and never saw me as a stepsister and it hurt her that I never saw her as a sister.
She said I could do this and make her feel loved like she deserves. I refused to give my stepsister the ring and my dad and his wife told me I was being selfish and hurtful. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
prairiemountainzen said:
NTA. I’m confused about why your step mom and step sister are so invested in receiving this ring when they have literally no connection to it. The ring belonged to your mother and she made it clear she would be handing it down to you. How bizarre that either of them would insist on taking that away from you, and it’s even more bizarre that your father would go along with them.
You’ve already given them your answer and you need to stand your ground on this. There is absolutely no reason for them to guilt you into giving up something that has so much sentimental value for you simply because they decided they should have it instead of you.
OP responded:
They see it as a connection to my dad’s line. I think it bothers his wife that my mom was loved and given the ring and trusted to make a decision about what would happen next. And she feels like her daughter is being treated unfairly. I think my stepsister views it as a symbol that she’s their real granddaughter as much as I am and wants to feel like they don’t see us differently.
Hoplite68
Yup, it’s a power play by your stepmother, she is determined to get a victory over a dead woman. Unfortunately her daughter seems to be caught in the middle, and may possibly have had her head filled by her mother.
Also, why is your stepsister persona non grata with her biological family?
OP responded:
The bio dad abandoned her and sounds like he and his whole family were not so great. While my dad’s wife is estranged from her family and nothing changed when she had a kid.
YouthNAsia63 said:
Your mom wanted that ring to go to you, not the daughter of the random woman that your dad married after your mom passed. That ring belonged to a woman your dad’s current wife never even met. It has no connection to your stepsister. It is part of your inheritance. It’s a good thing your grandparents took the ring in for safekeeping. Your stepsister can go pick out her own jewelry. NTA.
Brilliant_Jewel1924 said:
Tell your stepmother to take off her ring, and give that one to your stepsister. Then, she will have a “family ring.” NTA.
Dry_Mushroom7606
Please tell us you have the ring somewhere secure and untouchable, like a safe deposit box! Also, you’re absolutely NTA. The ring was given to your mother, who gave it to you. If you freely choose to give it up, that’s one thing, but to be pressured into it is a whole other wrong matter!
OP responded:
My grandparents have the ring still.
Cleantech2020
Should she not get a ring from her fiancé? Why does she want your mom’s ring. This is so weird. Like no daughter uses her mom’s engagement ring, they get their own. NTA.
OP responded:
She wanted my paternal family ring. But that went to my mom when she got engaged to dad and she wanted it to pass to me. While it connects me to both, my stepsister and her mom see the connection to my dad’s family only, and my stepsister wants that connection badly. So she wanted that instead of a new ring.
Arkymorgan1066
WTAF? NTA.
Your stepsister isn’t your grandparents’ grandchild. Why on earth would she or her mother think that the ring should go to her?
OP responded:
They say she’s a granddaughter too (through marriage) and that it should go to the first granddaughter getting married which is my stepsister. My dad’s wife believes we should be treated equally by my grandparents. But she doesn’t accept that the ring was my mom’s before she died and my grandparents technically held it for safe keeping not because they reclaimed the ring.
Several-Ad-1959
Thank God your dad gave it back to your grandparents. If he had kept it, he would have just handed over to step daughter without ever asking you. Stand your ground and tell your grandparents that you did not and will not agree for her to have it. I’m afraid your dad may try telling them that you said it was OK for step sister to have your RING. NTA
OP responded:
It was actually mom who gave it to them, not dad. But I’m really happy she took that precaution.
Sebscreen said:
NTA. This is not what your mom wanted, this isn’t want your grandparents (whose family passed down the ring) want, and this isn’t what you want. Tell your dad and stepmother to get lost. Their precious favorite daughter doesn’t get to have the ring, and you don’t get to have your biological mom see you get married. That is more than fair.
PrairieGrrl5263 said:
NTA. It’s not yours to give. It was given by your mother to your grandparents to hold in trust for you. Chain of custody and intent is clear. I’m sorry your stepsister is hurt, but she has her mother there to comfort her and guide her through. You do not. It is not reasonable for her to demand this small but important legacy from your mother.
What’s your advice for these family jewels?
