“AITA for not giving my ex best friend a second chance?”
I 19F (at the time) shared an apartment with two of my close friends. Let’s call them H and J. H 19F (at the time) and J 19M (at the time) started being roommates fresh out of highschool. They invited me to join in since their apartment was close to the university I was going to attend.
Everything was calm until our friend M broke up with her boyfriend. M 20F (at the time) asked if she could crash on our couch until she could find a new apartment. We said yes since she was a close friend. She ended up not looking for an apartment for the first 4 months and saying she was pretty comfortable here for now.
H told her she needed to find an apartment since we couldn’t keep letting her crash here forever. M started searching for apartments in the area but for four people. She said she wanted us all to move in together since we where already so comfortable with living together. Now the thing is, I didn’t want to move out of our apartment. I was really comfortable there and moving after just settling in.
Another reason is because M would vent to me every other day. She would talk about her break and and her mental health to me all the time and it gave me no time to study or work on assignments. We ended up helping her find a nice one bed one bathroom apartment down the street and said we could help her move in.
Now, a few days before she was supposed to leave to her new apartment, I got a message from a mutual friend calling me a horrible person. When I messaged back and asked what they meant, they said that M told them all about how H, J, and I were extremely rude to her while she was staying here. I ended up asking M about it and she called me a liar.
I said she didn’t need to get so defensive since all I asked is if we made her felt unwelcomed. She ended up getting mad and started yelling at me, telling me that all I did was try and push her out of the apartment to fast and that she was still recovering. She ended up packing her bags and leaving that night after she said she didn’t want anything to do with us ever again.
I felt really bad since I didn’t mean to make her upset and was just trying to get her back on her feet. A few months later, I ended up running into her at a grocery store and she ignored me. Later that week she ended up messaging J and asking if she could come over and apologize.
J asked me what my opinion on this was and i said no since she said she didn’t want anything to do with us again and she should stick to her words. She ended up telling mutual friends that I manipulated J and H into thinking she was the bad guy. I’m getting messages either asking me my side of the story or just calling me a horrible person. So AITA or is she pushing this whole situation too far?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Neither_Procedure298 wrote:
NTA. First off, it really sounds like you only did favors for her. Very one-sided relationship by the way. Second- what kind of person starts looking for a new apartment for 3 other people without discussing it first?! So pushy!
Now about becoming friends again at first I thought you could give her another chance but after hearing how she talks behind your back? No way, she stirs up trouble and have every right to distance yourself. Now how about sending everyone who asks you about the situation this thread? Might help lol
Regionok5036 wrote:
NTA you and your friends have given her a big favor by just letting her crash in your space. A good friend would ask to help pay rent or try to talk to you guys. She sounds a little entitled by going behind your back to say bad things about you and your friends and then getting mad when called out.
Sudden_News9952 wrote:
When people show you who they are, believe them. You might have thought of her as a friend but she didn’t view you as one. She viewed you as someone she could use. Reality is she is having to pay bills or face eviction. NTA. Bet she is thinking she can move back in and is trying to make you feel guilty enough to let her do that.
Wonderful_Two_6710 wrote:
NTA. Four months was far too long to begin with. But you dodged a bullet not allowing this toxic drama queen back into your life.
Not long after posting, OP shared an update:
UPDATE: So after reading some comments I think I should add a few details that I think might make what I said more clear.
M and I met back in my freshman year of highschool. We became friends after I joined a club she was in
While M was crashing on our couch, she didn’t help out with rent or with food even though she had a stable job.
M didn’t tell J or H that she wanted all of us that she wanted us all to live together until one night at dinner.
M has pulled stunts like this before and I didn’t want to see how it would end up for me
According to H, she made her uncomfortable constantly.
She lives around 10 minutes away from us so I am bound to run into her again.
H and J are a year younger than me. They have early birthdays and I have a later one so this was their first experience with a bad roommate. (And that’s why we where 19 when this happened.)
This all happened in 2025
I am now 20-years-old
I’ll post an update if I can.
Here’s what people had to say to OP’s update:
sorry_pea_1585 wrote:
NTA. I’d be mad too if someone is mooching off of me and disturbing my me time or study time. But I think you should go and meet her to clear things out. Not for forgiving her (depends on you), but telling her why her behaviour is making you guys uncomfortable so she can reflect and be a better person. Sometimes people like that need someone to say it to their face.
CatDog4565 wrote:
…There’s a whole lot of “high school drama” going on and it sounds, to me, like you are done with “high school.” NTA. There were a lot of forgiveable offenses here that you and M could probably talk your way through, but where I draw the line is in her ignoring you at the grocery store – that send the message CLEARLY from her that SHE is the one that is done.
You’ve internalized it and moved on. Your other 2 roommates can do what they want, but you are NTA. Side note – a point of discussion for the 3 of you to consider: How has life (in general) been without her around? Have things been calmer and felt safer and happier? Have you all really missed hanging out with M? That should provide some clarity on how to proceed with allowing her to come over and apologize.
Once you’ve got the answer to those questions, then you’ve also got a response to anyone randomly texting you. “I know it sounds awful, but I’m just so over the drama” is generally all you’ll have to say. Those who have matured past prom night will understand and those that haven’t will show their true colors and you’ll know who else to cut out.
FWIW, your age is a tough one. There is soooo much personal growth that happens in the years following high school and it happens at different rates for everyone…and some just never grow past their senior year.
Your age is about the time I started dropping friends as well and I have ZERO regrets. Maybe you can all reconnect at your 10 year reunion and M will have caught up. Maybe your 10 year reunion will be a dramatic shit show you end up wishing you never went to. Hard to say. But, and I can’t stress this enough, you are NTA!
SafetyFluid8535 wrote:
NTA. If M really wanted to apologize, she could do so in writing in a text to you. While apologizing in person feels more serious and formal, if someone can’t apologize in person and then just doesn’t apologize at all instead of sending a text/email/etc.
It shows that they don’t intend to apologize, they tended to give a qualified, fake apology full of excuses and manipulate the conversation into what a victim they are or what you did wrong.
Also, you, H and J weren’t obliged to put her up rent free for however many months until she felt ready to move out. The fact that she looked for 4 bdrm places shows that she may never have been ready, sounds like she didn’t want to live on her own. But regardless, her not even offering rent or bill money is rude of her!
