AITA for punishing my son after he said something racist?
Not the A-hole
About a week ago, my (39F) family ordered Chinese food for delivery. When the delivery driver came to the door, my daughter (16F) was taking the cat upstairs to put in her room because he always tries to eat the food. My son (13M) loudly says, “Make sure the hide the cat from the Chinese guy!” as I am at the door getting the food from the Chinese delivery driver. He very obviously heard what my son said and was upset by it. I quickly apologized and took the food.
I told my son that racist jokes were completely unacceptable and very wrong and he refused to admit that he was in the wrong.
So, later that night I forced my son to write a sincere apology to the delivery driver, (his name was on the receipt) as well as write a one page paper on Chinese culture and a one page paper on why racism is perpetuated by racist jokes and stereotypes. Then the next day I took him to the restaurant and had him read his apology aloud to the delivery driver as well as give him the papers he wrote.
The driver was very appreciative of the apology and thanked me for making my son do it. He then told my son about multiple instances where he had faced racist comments and attacks from people while he was a delivery driver.
That night my husband (43M) and I got into an argument about me making our son do this. He told me that it was embarrassing for our son to have to do the apology and that the “punishment didn’t fit the crime”.
I told him that it was much more embarrassing for the driver to have to face that kind of racism and racist stereotypes and that our son would get over the embarrassment. I do not condone any kind of hateful thinking in my house, and the fact that my son said that embarrassed me as well. My husband told me that it was “just a joke” and it wasn’t that big of a deal. I feel like I might have over reacted some but I think it’s important to help my son understand how what he said was wrong and hurtful.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Sounds like your husband could use the lesson too.
your son may have been embarrassed, but he SHOULD be embarrassed for having said a racist joke. that kind of joke is meant to embarrass and humiliate the target (the delivery guy). you did right by your son by turning that around and showing him that his attitudes and “jokes” are the real embarrassment. soon he will be too old to teach not to be racist. you are a great parent and i hope your son takes this lesson to heart.
Yep, the driver is the wronged party here, not the son. Like you said, he should have felt embarrassed by what he did. The dad minimizing it as “just a joke” is meaningless, and it’s one of those things that people do do excuse stuff like that. It’s not okay, and good on OP.
Yeah, what on earth was the dad’s reasoning for claiming “the punishment didn’t fit the crime”? It fit the crime perfectly.
Also, I’m Asian and have had the exact same ‘joke’ made against me, except with dogs, not cats. Seeing it be taken seriously and having amends be made would have made me feel 80% better about the whole thing. It’s not just about punishing the kid, it’s also about making the delivery guy feel more empowered and lessening the amount of harm that was done.
Your husband’s attitude is precisely the problem and is why systemic racism continues to propigate in this country. Kudos to you for a very just and well thought out lesson for your son, which I hope he can truly learn from and perhaps help solve some of the issues that are breaking our society apart. Perhaps your husband needs to do some similar homework in r ed grads to what racism is and how it harms not simply the people it is directed at, but all people as a whole. Honestly, I am so proud of you (in the most non-condesending way possible) for being such an excellent example of a person for your family.
NTA. You held him accountable for his actions. What he said was not funny, it was wildly inappropriate and also hurtful.
The reason his behavior is so wrong, is because that stereotype that Asians eat cats and dogs, comes from this nasty belief that all Asians are barbaric people. This prejudice dates really far back, and became even more prevalent during and following WWII. The fact that this prejudice still exists despite the American obsession with Japanese anime and K-Pop, says a lot, it really does. This is why education is so important, and that is exactly what you gave your son.
Edit: Just because some poverty stricken cities in China consume cats and dogs, doesn’t make the stereotype okay. The origins of that stereotype are from the U.S., not what happens in China. People were convinced that Chinese who operated take-out restaurants would steal their pets and eat them. This stereotype has been applied to ALL ASIANS, not just Chinese. And I promise you, most Asians would like you to STOP thinking they all steal pets, because they certainly do not.
Edit #2: Thank you for the award kind person! You are awesome!
Edit #3: Thank you for the Snek Award! Snakes are my fave animals 😀
I agree, when I was growing up my childhood best friend happened to be the only Asian Child at our predominately white school. She was constantly made subject to jokes about eating cats and dogs as well as slurs to the point where she dropped out and became homeschooled. It was horrible for me to watch and obviously even so much worse for her to have to withstand.
