AITAH for refusing to be a reference for my ex-friend and possibly costing him a job?
I’ll try to keep this short but there’s some background needed.
Me and Daniel were close friends for about 6 years. We worked in the same industry (marketing) so we crossed paths professionally too, not just personally. About 3 years ago he was leading a project where I was one of the contributors. Long story short, when the project went sideways he basically threw me under the bus in front of the client and our mutual contacts. Told them the delays were caused by my part of the work. Which was partially true but he had approved every single deadline extension himself and never once flagged it as a problem until it blew up.
I lost a pretty decent client relationship over it. Daniel never really apologized, just said “you know how it is, I had to protect the project.” We drifted after that and honestly I was fine with it.
Fast forward to last month. Out of nowhere he messages me asking if I’d be willing to be a professional reference for him, hes applying for a senior position at a pretty well known agency. I was genuinly caught off guard because we havent spoken in over two years and the last thing he did professionally was hang me out to dry.
I said no. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable vouching for someone after what happened and that I didn’t think I could give him a fair and honest reference anyway. He pushed back a little, said it was “years ago” and that I was being petty. I didn’t argue, just held my position.
Apparently he didn’t get the job. A mutual acquaintance told me he’s been telling people I “sabotaged” him by refusing. I didn’t say anything bad about him to anyone, I simply didn’t participate.
Am I really the asshole for not wanting to put my name behind someone who already damaged my professional reputation once? I genuinely don’t think I owe him that but the “sabotage” framing is getting in my head a bit.
AITAH?
