AITAH for refusing to help my husband with his chores when I WFH and work less hours

AITAH for refusing to help my husband with his chores when I WFH and work less hours

Background info: My husband and I make similar amounts of money and pay into the bills equally. I feel that this is important. He works as a mechanic and I work in healthcare administration in a very niche specialty.

We have separate finances and completely separate bank accounts.

He works about 60 hours a week, and it’s a very physical job. I’m paid for forty hours a week, but I get my work done quickly so really I work about twenty hours a week, and I work from home.

We have a chore chart breaking down chores dead even. I’m able to easily do my chores in my down time, and I have a lot of free time to relax or work on my hobbies. My husband complains that after working 60 hours a week he’s tired and I should do more chores while I’m sitting around at home so he has less to do. I do not want to do this, and here’s why.

When we first got together I was a broke college student. He was a welder. He insisted on going 50/50 on EVERYTHING, because a previous girlfriend had used him and he didn’t want to be taken advantage of. So I struggled to pay half of the bills while he was doing okay. To say I’m not a little resentful about that still would be a lie. I’ve talked to him about it but we’ve made no progress on that front. He thinks since I’m an adult woman I should’ve never expected him to pay more of the bills or help me, whereas I have the mindset that either we are a team, or we’re not.

I finished my masters degree two years ago and we got married shortly after. Ever since then life has been good for me, but I’ve seen his expectations change.

He wants me to be a housewife yet pay half the bills. For the record, we are childfree so children will never be a factor. I have a tubal litigation.

I want to show him this Reddit post because I really don’t think I’m in the wrong, but he insists I really really am. AITAH?

If he had helped me more when I was in college I would do more for him now because I’d feel like we were a team, but I just don’t feel that way and I’ve told him as much.

“AITA for refusing to quit my job even though my husband wants me home?”

I (33F) am a paramedic and I absolutely love my job. I went to school for this, worked incredibly hard, and it’s a big part of who I am. I work 2 days on (48 hours) 6 days off. I took a very long maternity leave (4years) and have now been back at work for almost 2 years. My husband (35M) works in oil and gas, about 60–70 hours a week, but he’s home every night. We have two kids, 5 and 3, both in daycare.

Our biggest and most repetitive argument is always: “Who’s going to watch the kids?” or “How will the kids get to and from their activities?” But the thing is… we already have that covered. If we’re both working, this is our typical day: – He starts work at 6 am, I start at 7 am. – Either our babysitter or their aunt arrives at 6:30 am. –

They do the kids’ morning routine and drop them at daycare by 7:30 am. – Pick-up is 5 pm. If the kids have skating or another activity, the sitter/aunt takes them, brings them home, feeds them dinner (which I pre-make and leave in the fridge), does teeth, books, and bedtime by 7:30 pm.

I’m very organized, groceries and meals are done, laundry is done, everything is set up so it runs smoothly. The kids are happy and taken care of. The only tough moment we’ve had was one time when I came home mid-shift and they cried when I had to leave again because my radio went off. It broke my heart, but that’s how EMS is.

My husband keeps saying he wants me home more, preferably as a stay-at-home mom. But I absolutely refuse to give up my career. I already sacrificed so much: I left my previous military career, I left my city, my friends, my family to be with him. I gave up my body and my health to have our two beautiful kids.

Dr said I should not have anymore and I agree 100%. I feel like I’ve bent in every direction for our family, but now it feels like he’s asking me to give up the last piece of myself.

He earns significantly more, and I think he sees my job as optional…but emotionally, mentally, and professionally, it’s not optional for me. I’m considering to drop my shifts to approx 2x a month. So, AITA for refusing to quit?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

declarationoffckyou said:

NTA, men are never asked to give up their work for the kids. If you don’t want to, don’t. You deserve to have the professional career you worked for and time to shine outside of being a mother.

BrilliantInferno said:

NTA. Is he willing to drop down his own hours so he’s home more often with the kids?

Pun_Lover387 said:

NTA. If he wanted a SAHM, he should have married a woman with that same goal.

Bitbatgaming said:

NTA, both of you work incredibly hard and it’s a big part of who you guys are, but as you have stated every responsibility is handled so this is a non-issue.

Puddin370 said:

NTA. Maybe marriage counseling will help get to the bottom of why he’s insisting you sacrifice even more to placate him. Don’t give up the career you love just to please him. You will resent him and the marriage will not survive.

T_G_A_H said:

NTA. Sounds like you have things balanced and working for now, and it only gets easier as the kids get older and need less hands-on help. He can work less if he wants a parent home with them more. It doesn’t have to be you. I wish I had outsourced a little more when my kids were little instead of thinking I had to be the one there for everything.

Ruimtetijd said:

NTA. You’ve already sacrificed so many things to be with him. Please, don’t make yourself also financially depending on him. As you love your job and you’ve got things organized well, don’t drop your shifts. The highest time for him to start respecting your legitimate needs.

After reading the comments, OP edited the post to include:

We still see our kids everyday. Husband is home by dinner time and takes over bedtime routines. If I’m not on a call then I’ll at least come home for bedtime stories. I just don’t sleep at home because if my radio goes off then I have 8min to be back at station. (I live just 8mins away from station).

Was I crazy for thinking 6 days off was enough? If I drop down to part-time(min 2 shifts a month) I will lose my full-time benefits. Honestly at this rate I think its what I have to do… for the best interest of my family. Id just have to work the days he has off.

Edit 3: Y’all encouraged me to keep fighting and I WILL FIGHT

Edit 4: prob final update. I am going to have a conversation with him tonight and ask whats really going. Sorry I’m not replying to everyone, but know I am reading all tbe comments no matter how hurtful/cheerful. Thank you everyone