My disabled girlfriend is calling me an ablist because i dont like her stench.
I’m dating a woman who uses a wheelchair. I care about her and I want this to work, but there’s an ongoing hygiene issue that’s becoming a real problem. There is a very strong, dense smell that follows her. I don’t mean a light odor I mean something noticeable enough that it affects my attraction and comfort. People stare when we are out and rub their nose. I know they smell it. I tried to understand where it might be coming from instead of jumping to conclusions. I thought maybe it was sweat buildup in the wheelchair cushion, or general hygiene challenges, or possibly related to toileting.
She has no muscle control in her lower body and handles toileting while lying on the bed. I don’t fully understand the process, but I know it’s manual and complicated. I wasn’t sure if she even realized how strong the smell was, so I tried to approach it carefully. I told her that if she ever needed help washing, I would ask for her permission every time so she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable or disrespected. For months now, I’ve been the one helping her wash. I scrub thoroughly inside, between the cracks, including her butt and ya know stuff carefully and respectfully.
When I started doing this, things were fine and the smell improved. Then she told me something that completely threw me off.
She said she liked how she smelled before.
I asked if I was hurting her or doing something wrong when I wash her. She said no. She said she just isn’t used to the “new smell.” The new smell is Dove soap, lotion, and other feminine products things I think smell clean and pleasant. Now she wants me to use a specific soap that brings back the old smell, which to me smells worse. That’s where I’m stuck.
I feel like I’m bending over backwards to be respectful, supportive, and intimate, but now I’m being asked to ignore my own discomfort entirely. I don’t want to shame her. I don’t want to be insensitive. But I also don’t think it’s fair that my feelings suddenly don’t matter at all. I genuinely don’t know where the line is between being supportive and sacrificing my own comfort and I don’t know how to talk about that without becoming the bad guy. At what point does compassion turn into ignoring your own boundaries? Is it wrong to say that attraction, cleanliness, and mutual comfort still matter in a relationship regardless of disability?
