AITA for refusing to let my mom stay with me in Canada even if she shows up anyway?
I (30s M) live in Canada. I went no contact with my mom (60s F) a few months ago after years of ongoing family issues. Recently things escalated badly.
Context: my mom lives in the Philippines. I previously sponsored her under a parent super visa so she could visit Canada. During her last visit, we fought constantly. She kept saying I don’t spend enough time with her, that I go out too much, and that I prioritize my partner over her. At the time, I was (and still am) in a serious long-term relationship.
She repeatedly said she wanted to move in with me permanently because she’s getting old and “doesn’t know where to go.” I told her clearly that my partner would not be comfortable living with another person, especially long-term. My apartment is small, and we planned it as a space for just the two of us. I also told her honestly that if she moved in, my relationship would probably fail because the constant pressure, guilt, and conflict during her last stay already caused tension between me and my partner.
During her visit, she also showed controlling behavior. She constantly monitored security cameras back home to surveil my niece and would stay glued to her phone watching the feeds. She had emotional outbursts when I spent time with my partner and accused me of abandoning her. Based on how that visit went, I know living together long-term would be unworkable and damaging to my relationship.
She also has health issues, can’t handle Canadian winters (she could barely walk in snow), can’t legally work in Canada, and doesn’t qualify for health coverage. I told her all of this before she went back home. Despite that, she keeps telling people she’ll “just work” in Canada (like at Domino’s or as a nanny) and believes that if she works there she’ll get a pension. None of this is true or legal.
A few days ago she escalated by contacting c*ps for a wellness check on me (I’m fine) and messaging my old friends, who I already drifted away from for personal reasons. She also told my siblings her version of events. One brother got angry and cursed at me. Then everything suddenly went quiet; just that day of getting bombarded with messages and not a single thing after the following days.
I’m now worried she might actually fly to Canada around February. She knows my address because she stayed here before. If she shows up unannounced, I plan to not host her and tell her I can’t be involved because it would put both of us at legal risk if she tried to work while staying with me.
Some family members think I’m being heartless and abandoning her. I think I’m just refusing to sacrifice my relationship, stability, and legal standing for a situation I already said no to. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
C_Majuscula wrote:
NTA. Is there any way you can cancel that visa?
OP responded:
I haven’t explored this yet but I’ll have to do more research.
Advanced-Angle8177 wrote:
You have siblings…let them take her? NTA.
OP responded:
They’ve offered to already. My mom has an infatuation of retiring and getting pension in Canada, which is the reason she wanted to work here even if its illegal (which i also tried explaining that she cant get pension if she worked illegally).
Truth_seeker963 wrote:
INFO: what was the duration of the super visa and is she still covered? (Idk why you didn’t get a visitor visa instead). One of the conditions of the super visa is that she have medical insurance from a Canadian insurance company that is: valid for at least one year from the date of entry and at least $100,000 minimum coverage.
And have proof that the medical insurance has been paid, so if she has this, then the health insurance isn’t a big issue. You can remove your sponsorship by contacting the IRCC and then she can’t come to Canada.
OP responded:
It’s valid for 5 years and allowed to be renewed for 5 additional years. It is a visitor visa, just special, for the lack of better words. The 1 year travel insurance is just for the time of application itself; anything passed that is optional. I got her the visa in 2022. I did not know you can get my sponsorship revoked. But if I can thats probably my best option.
Ok-Trainer3150 wrote:
You put her and your brother on notice (as soon as possible) that you will not let her in and that you will direct her to your brother’s. You block her now so that you do not receive her calls, texts, emails. You block her access to all social media accounts. Chances are that if she arrives, she’ll have to contact your brother or take a cab to your place. Do not let her in!!!
Call your brother. Have an Uber/cab take her to a local coffee shop or McDonald’s and your brother can deal with her. I don’t really care about the source of your poor relationship with her…I only have your version.
But that’s really irrelevant if you’ve concluded that you don’t want her. Absolutely no one is telling you to accept her and you’re not obligated to be her life plan. You understand that so act in it.
OP responded:
I’m the only one in my family who’s in Canada. Every other siblings are scattered across the globe too.
Not-That-Girl wrote:
She has other children, she doesn’t need to fly all that way to live, and work illegally, with you. She can stay with one of your siblings. She might be feeling lonely, and that’s making her paranoid and angry, because all the children have left and she missing feeling needed.
But the answer is t to throw yourself at the wealthiest looking child! You need to talk to her, gently, and point out it just won’t work, her traveling all that way. That you two don’t get on in person, you would all be miserable.
