“AITA for boycotting my friend’s gender reveal party?”
A good friend (32f) of mine (28f) is pregnant is “throwing“ a gender reveal party. We’ll call her Laura from here on out. Now here’s the deal: Instead of throwing the party herself…
…she and her boyfriend (33m) created a group chat, added all of the friends from our friend group and then some, and dropped the following single message: the guests were to organize and plan the entire party, before leaving the group and the guests to fend for themselves.
One person in the group took on the role of “head organizer“ without being asked by anyone to do so. He, we‘ll call him Tim, started right away and already requested quotes for professional catering, which came out to around 40–60 dollars per person.
I was quite taken aback by this price and found this extremely expensive for a gender reveal, but kept my mouth shut to not be negative from the get-go and see where this whole, already very weird situation was heading.
One guest politely suggested doing a potluck instead to keep costs reasonable and “appropriate“ for a gender reveal party, but that suggestion was shut down harshly and quickly by the head organizer.
Because the expectant parents’ apartment is too small to host all of those invited, a venue needs to be booked. The head organizer already booked one for around 450 dollars, which is so far away from any form of civilization, that the logistics of getting and leaving there will be a hassle – and probably again tied to costs for transportation.
On top of that, every guest is expected to craft and pay for decorations for the occasion out of pocket. The whole party is already under a tight schedule: We’re to arrive early afternoon to setup the venue and decorate, arranging tables and chairs and stuff.
Then the party is supposed to happen, also scheduled in a specific timeframe, as well as the dancing and party games (because everyone knows fun arises in timetables). The best part of the schedule though: the party is strictly capped at just after midnight, because then the cleaning and tidying up needs to happen for two hours.
At this point, in my opinion the costs and to-do’s were getting out of hand for what is supposed to be “just” a gender reveal and not some grander celebration. That same guest who had suggested the potluck asked if all expenses could simply be split evenly among the attendees, so that everyone pays the same share and it’s fair for everyone.
She was again shut down harshly by the head organizer and implied to be cheap. The head organizer then proceeded to open a fundraiser and ask everyone to “give as much as they can,” saying that if more money is collected than needed to cover the cost of the party, the excess amount will be given to the expectant parents because they “have another mouth to feed and need every dime they can get.”
Of course we’re all also expected not to bring one but TWO gifts: one for the baby/expectant parents and one for Laura, who‘s birthday happens to be on the following day.
Some important background info why this whole situation gets me more heated than it probably should: The expectant parents are not poor by a long shot. Both have good jobs and earn well and are able to live quite comfortably. They are not worried about whether they can afford a child and absolutely could pay for this party themselves if they wanted to. But they clearly don’t want to, and that’s the point.
Money is also a weirdly sensitive topic with Laura. Every conversation she initiates is about money. She regularly brings up my salary in conversations, even in front of other and even if that info is entirely off-topic. Additionally, the expectant parents already have a reputation in our friend group for being extremely cheap.
When we all go out, usually one of us pays for everyone and is then either given the share of the others or the next round will be paid by someone else, stuff like that. But they consistently pay less than what they consumed and don’t pay for rounds, basically rounding down their bill because “it’s just a few euros.” Those euros add up though after some time, and no one else in the group behaves this way.
When they host gatherings, they often provide little to no food despite announcing that food will be available in their invitation. I remember one party hosted by them where all the food they provided was gone within about 10 minutes into the party.
A friend ordered a pizza for himself during the gathering, after seeing that the whole buffet was already empty and having come hungry directly from work, only for it to result in a tantrum from Laura.
I think what bothers me most is the audacity, the entitlement and the cheapness of it all. They invite people to their party, but they refuse to host. You can’t have your party and not host, too.
They’re not even contributing money, and they’re not offering to help organize. They’re expecting food, gifts, a venue, free labor by their friends (all of us have jobs and things to do), all paid for and handled by others without having to lift a single finger.
This would be completely different if it were a surprise party for them. If someone decided by themselves they wanted to throw _them_ a party and they knew nothing about it, but they literally invited all of us and are expecting a party to be thrown.
I’m really annoyed and angry and have never experienced a situation like this, and I‘m not going to attend the party out of principle, even though I really like Laura and partying with my friends. AITA for being so worked up about this and refusing to attend?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Huge-Excitement-8798 said:
NTA. This is a weird way to do a gender reveal. Usually it is the expected parents with maybe another person ordering the cake in case they want to be surprised by the reveal. I get the feeling the self-appointed head is actually who they want to lead the group and get everyone to pony up for an expensive party.
I would just quietly leave the group chat (or post that finances will not allow you to participate) and let them fend for themselves.
Curious_Eggplant6296 said:
NTA. They want guests to pay for their gender reveal party? When did this become a thing? What’s next, destination gender reveal parties where you have to pay for your flights and lodging on top of paying for the expectant couple?
I’m against gender reveal parties because they are dumb and unnecessary. I certainly wouldn’t go to one where I had to do anything but show up.
princessspluto said:
NTA and stop being friends with her. She sounds like she uses you guys as a prop vs friends. Also, the way she initiated this gender reveal party is weird. If she was a good friend and she was surrounded by people that are her friends not props…
It would’ve been natural for one of you guys to just plan the gender reveal without even questioning it. I’m sure you and the others are good people but I don’t think yall are in the right position in her life. She’s opportunist not a friend.
CatsMom4Ever said:
NTA. My response to this would have been simple. “No, I’m not on board with this. Count me out.” And why do you call these people good friends? In what way are Laura and her partner good friends?
Forward_Deer9230 said:
NTA. But I have to ask how you can consider Laura to be a “good friend”? From what you’ve said, it sounds like she is neither “good” nor a “friend.” And although “Tim” does not sound like much of a “head organizer,” an accurate description of him could certainly include the words “head” and “organ.” I’m wondering if his real name is actually a nickname for Richard.
id12345678910 said:
NTA. I would simply leave the group chat. I am sure others will follow.
