My (F53) soon to be ex husband Roger (47), whom I forgave for his affair, came home with a baby four months ago. His girlfriend (22) could not handle it anymore and brought the baby to him at work and left. To the best of his knowledge she is in Spain.
I allowed him to stay so long as I didn’t have to do anything. Anything.
Well about a month ago Roger had a heart attack. It didn’t kill him, mores the pity, but he is very weak and incapable of doing anything for himself. Since he isn’t up and about he cannot care for his child. He also cannot drop of and pick up his son at daycare.
I have been helping but I’m done. My kids are full grown. I shouldn’t be having grandkids any time soon. I do not have any desire to care for a baby.
I told Roger that I want a divorce, and I contacted the mother’s parents. I know the father through friends. I said they had until Friday to come get their grandchild or I was calling Child Protective Services.
They just left with the baby. But they scolded me for being so cold towards a baby that had done me no harm. I view that child differently.
Roger is recovering and I will be moving out. The house is in his name but I have never contributed to it. I have the equivalent of twenty two years of rent and interest put away. And as per our prenup my savings are my own.
I work and I don’t need anything out of this marriage except myself.
My kids tried telling me to stay and help their father. I said that they were welcome to come over and help him with cleaning himself and the baby. Both declined what I felt was a fair offer.
I do not feel that I am acting badly however Roger, our children, his child’s family, and a few mutual friends think I am. Perhaps writing this out and seeing the responses will give me clarity.
‘AITAH for telling my husband’s affair baby’s family to either come get the kid or I’m calling CPS.’
Expert Opinion:
Why OP’s Decision Was Justified
Blended families and infidelity babies are complicated enough—but forcing an unwilling person into caregiving is a whole different issue. OP’s decision to walk away isn’t just about bitterness; it’s about personal boundaries and emotional well-being.
Dr. Carol Gilligan, a renowned psychologist, explains that women are often expected to be self-sacrificing caregivers, even when it comes at the cost of their mental health. Society tends to shame women for refusing to “do the right thing”—even if that thing is completely unreasonable.
In this case, OP had every right to remove herself from a situation she never signed up for. She didn’t marry a man to become a full-time caregiver to his affair baby. She was clear from the start: she wanted nothing to do with this child. Expecting her to step up now—when the actual parents are nowhere to be found—is absurd.
The Real Responsibility Lies Elsewhere
Dr. Laura Markham, a family therapist, states that a child’s well-being should not rest on the shoulders of an unwilling party. Studies show that children raised by resentful caregivers often develop attachment issues due to feeling unwanted.
So, who should be responsible for this baby?
- Roger, the father, who knew this day was coming.
- The mother, who conveniently disappeared to Spain.
- The baby’s maternal grandparents, who, despite their scolding, were clearly the best option.
OP stepping in might have actually done more harm than good for the child, as raising someone else’s affair baby out of obligation can create long-term resentment and emotional neglect.
What Could Have Been Done Differently?
Instead of expecting OP to take over, Roger should have:
- Arranged for alternate caregivers immediately after his health crisis.
- Legally established guardianship with the child’s maternal family from the start.
- Not expected his betrayed wife to fix his mistakes.
OP, by drawing a clear boundary, actually did what was best for everyone—even if it didn’t seem like it at the time.
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
At the end of the day, OP was asked to sacrifice her future, well-being, and sanity for a man who had already broken her trust. The expectation that she should stand by him despite his betrayal, his child, and his complete lack of accountability is beyond unreasonable. She gave more than she owed, and now she’s choosing herself.
