“AITA for refusing to give my boyfriend access to my bank account even though he says ‘no secrets’ is how adults do it?”
I’m 27F and my boyfriend is 30M, together a little over 2 years. We live together and split bills pretty evenly, no shared accounts. I make a bit more than him (about 15k a year more), but he has a stable job and pays his part on time.
The conflict started this week when he told me he wants us to be “fully transparent” financially because we’re talking about getting engaged this year. I thought he meant sitting down, pulling credit reports, talking goals, that kind of thing.
Instead, he asked for my online banking login so he can “see everything in real time.” I laughed because I honestly thought he was joking. He wasn’t. He said couples who plan a future shouldn’t have private money, and that if I’m refusing it means I’m hiding something.
I told him I’m not hiding anything, I just don’t want another person able to move money around or look at every grocery purchase I make at 11 pm. He said he wouldn’t touch anything, he “just wants visibility.”
I offered a compromise: we can make a shared spreadsheet, I can show him statements once a month, we can open a joint account just for rent and bills, and we can both put in our share. He got irritated and said that’s not the same, and that my compromises are basically me keeping a wall up.
Then he dropped a line that made my stomach flip: “If you trust me enough to sleep next to me, you should trust me with a password.” I said that’s not how trust works, and I pointed out that I also don’t have his passwords either.
He said I can have them, any time, and he acted like that proves he’s the only reasonable adult in the room. I asked why he suddenly needs this now. He said he doesn’t want to “find out later” that I have debt, or that I’m sending money to someone, or that I’m buying things I shouldn’t.
That felt gross, like I was being pre accused. I told him I have no debt besides my student loans, my credit is fine, and I’ve never hidden purchases. He said he believes me but he “wants receipts.”
I swear those exact words came out of his mouth. I told him no, and that if he keeps pushing I’m going to start wondering what HE is trying to keep track of, because demanding my login isn’t normal.
He got quiet and then went cold, like polite angry. He said I’m making a simple thing into a big deal and that I’m acting like he’s some kind of thief. Since then he’s been sulking and making these little comments like “must be nice having a private life” and “guess we’re not at that level.”
Yesterday he even asked if I’d be okay with him installing a budgeting app that links accounts and then he could see the dashboard. Same answer, no. Now he says I’m sabotaging our future and that I’m being controlling by not letting him in.
I feel like I’m losing my mind because I’m not saying we can’t talk money, I’m just saying I’m not handing over access to my actual bank. So, AITA for refusing and digging my heels in on this?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
PrairieGrrl5263
NTA. Your boyfriend wants to tap your bank accounts. For what its worth, my partner and I share a home, vehicles, bills, friends, joys, troubles and inside jokes BUT NOT ACCOUNT INFO OR ACCESS.
ImpertinentPrincess
Yep, been married for a long time and I know some login information that has been willingly given but bank account logins are sacred. Even on joint accounts we have our own. This guy is suss and I’m wondering what he’s trying to hide making projection look like the next Olympic sport.
ProfessionalBread176
“no secrets is how adults do it” Is code for: I have no justification for asking, but I’m demanding this nonetheless. You need a new boyfriend, this one is bad news.
Beneficial-Way-8742
NTA, and let’s talk about “controlling”:
“…that i have debt”……reasonable thing to know about a potential partner before getting engaged
“…or that i’m sending money to someone,….” none of his business . He either trusts you or he doesn’t. He doesn’t need to know you send $100 to your great aunt every month.
“…or that i’m buying things i shouldn’t.” — HELL TF NO. 🚩🚩🚩. This is Absolutely an HUGE red flag of control he plans to use once you’re engaged or married. NO, absolute NO. And I would start more closely examining the relationship for other signs of controlling behavior. Personally, I would end things over this red flag.
BothTreacle7534
NTA. please leave him, he is either planning to manipulate / control you even further, already uses emotional blackmail plus manipulation to get his way, and I actually think he plans something not good in the long run.
Also make sure you have a lot of extra passwords for all of your mail, SMS … your bank apps… and freeze your credit, get extra mail not per app, to save all important things including copies of all important documents, certificates,… and especially also contact details, just in case he takes your electronics.
Be prepared for getting locked out of shared homes, stolen / damaged cars… and lots of other crazy behaviour ‘no one’ saw coming during a separation’s time.
Justcouldnthlpmyslf
My blood went cold at his mention of no one should have “private money.” My mother drilled it into our heads that we should ALWAYS have our own money, in case we ever need to get away.
No one goes into a relationship thinking that the person is abusive. They find out later. This reads to me like someone that wants to make sure that she doesn’t have the means to get away from him down the line.
