AITAH for telling my sister she has to choose between being friends with my ex or having a relationship with me?
I (24F) was in a 2-year relationship with my ex (23M) that ended about a year ago. It was one of the most mentally draining experiences of my life.
He lived with me, didn’t work, failed university, and I financially supported most of the relationship while also studying and working. I felt more like his parent than his partner. I had to push him to study, maintain his hygiene and emotionally regulate him constantly.
He was very dependent and subtly controlling. If I went out with friends, he would stay up waiting and then make me feel guilty the next day. He wouldn’t let me get out of bed in the morning if he was still sleeping (sometimes until 1 PM), so I would lie there for hours to avoid conflict and other stuff like that.
There were repeated boundary violations with other women. To be completely clear i don’t care if he had female friend BUT I didn’t tolerate romantic messages, “I love you” texts, models from Onlyfans on Instagram, hidden conversations. Every time I confronted him, he cried, apologized, and promised to change. It never stopped. At one point I saw him laughing with another girl about me being upset after I discovered inappropriate messages.
The stress affected my health. I gained weight, developed severe migraines, and had intense anxiety, sometimes all that stress made me vomit.
A breaking point was at my sister’s boyfriend’s birthday party that we organized. He acted childish the entire night (baby voice, sulking all that). At the end of the party, I broke down crying and begged him to change. He promised he would.
The next morning he came into the kitchen with a visible pee stain on his pants. I politely told him he might want to change. Instead, he went back and lay on my bed like that. I remember thinking, “I cannot live like this anymore.”
When I broke up with him, I did it calmly. I told him I wasn’t mentally okay and couldn’t continue. I even paid him back for a gym membership he bought me that I never asked for. I helped him pack and gave him food when he moved out.
After the breakup, he spread rumors that I cheated (not true) and asked me for more money. I cut contact after that.
The issue now is my sister (27F).
She became friends with him during our relationship. After we broke up, instead of distancing herself, she became closer to him. He invites her and her boyfriend to dinners and events. She maintains an active friendship with him.
At first, I tried to tolerate it, i see her as my best friend. But over time it hurt more and more. She now organizes gatherings separately one with him and one with me, which means I’m often excluded from the „big” partys.
Recently, I sat down with her and explained that this is a boundary for me. I said I cannot maintain a close relationship with someone who chooses to stay close to a person who treated me the way he did. I wasn’t trying to control her, I was explaining what I can and cannot emotionally handle.
She reacted very aggressively. She screamed that I’m trying to control her life. At one point she said that even if he had beaten me badly enough to put me in the hospital, I still wouldn’t have the right to tell her who she can be friends with. That really shook me.
I tried to calm things down. I suggested we talk later. I even said we could reset and just have wine. But she kept escalating. I got really nervous so I stood up to take space on the balcony, and told her to shut up (she was screaming the whole time), after that she said that it’s her home and I should be careful how I speak there.
In an emotional moment, I said something I regret, that I hoped one day she would understand how I feel by being treated the same way. I immediately apologized and said I don’t actually wish that on her.
I told her that if she chooses to continue this friendship, I will distance myself. Not to punish her, but to protect myself.
Here’s what’s making me question myself:
After this huge argument, everyone is acting like nothing happened.
My sister called me and talked normally, like there was no conflict, I answered her coldly and ended the conversation. Before leaving that night, I clearly explain that this means that she is choosing him so we can’t be friends. My mom keeps asking if I’ve talked to my sister, even though she knows I haven’t. It feels like my entire family is pretending that what I said doesn’t exist.
I blocked my sister because I don’t want contact right now. But I feel like they think I’m overreacting and that eventually „I’ll just calm”down like I always do. I don’t try to control her, I just try to set boundaries, but I feel like everyone is pretending that nothing ever happened.
I’m usually the one who keeps the peace and pushes my feelings down so everyone else can be comfortable. This is the first time I’ve said “this is my boundary” and meant it.
Now I’m questioning if I’m being selfish or dramatic.
AITA?
