“I lost a close friend this morning over money.”
I(43m) met a long-time buddy of mine when I was around 25. We worked together for about 5 years and then left that job but stayed in close touch over the years. We’d catch up for a beer and a burger every few months and usually talk on the phone during commutes weekly.
This friend(46m) was a couple years older than me with kids a few years older than mine. Recently, his daughter was expelled from her private school for fighting, being her second or third offense.
Because he was on an income-controlled assistance plan, he’s been strapped for cash as the school keeps all the tuition for the remainder of the year but you dont get to send your kid there any longer. He found another private school to send her to but asked to borrow about $4500. I said I’m sorry but, no.
I don’t ever loan to friends or family. I’ve done it 5 or 6x in my life, its ALWAYS gone bad and then I’m the AH for requesting any type of repayment, regardless of how long it’s been. Plus, if his daughter needed an emergency life-saving surgery or something, I’d definitely have helped, but this felt less than that. There’s always the option of not getting into fights at school or going to their local public school.
So I said No. I did not offer an overwhelming amount of reasons as he did not ask my opinion on their situation so we left it alone. I now believe he thought it was due to lack of available funds. We recently sold our used travel trailer and purchased a brand new 5th wheel to take our kids on adventures.
My brother posted a photo of it on Facebook and it tipped him off. Queue the aggressive text this morning about how he asked for a loan and not a gift and how I was around when his daughter was born but could not help the only time he’s ever asked me for anything in his entire life, which is true.
We’ve always helped each other with home repairs or rides to drop vehicles at mechanics or drop-offs at the airport or help move from apartments to houses. It’s not a one-sided friendship. It’s very equal that he’s always there for me as well.
But…I don’t loan money. It never goes well. And honestly, I almost resent the friends and family that even ask. It’s like saying I know this path will probably end our relationship but I’m going to do it anyway. So yeah. This morning’s text ended with him sarcastically wishing for me to have a great life and enjoy my fancy little RV. When I called him, I now see I’m blocked.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
heimbachae wrote:
Your friend is in a bad situation, but he’s upset at the wrong person. You did not place him there, his child did. They need to learn a lesson that violence isn’t the answer and he needs to understand you aren’t a bank. You are their friend.
OP responded:
Apparently not anymore.
vaskanado wrote:
You’re good. He’s not entitled to your loan or your money. Even if you are best friends. 4500 is a lot but you’re not obligated to loan out. He was in bind. But he’s mad at the wrong person. If he’s done nothing to address why she’s fighting then honestly he should be mat at himself.
Getting into another school isn’t likely to fix the issue either unless it was something very specific. It sucks to lose a friend but keeping clear boundaries is important. I’ve been burned too many times from others. So now I never load anything out. Even a pencil. If I let you borrow the pencil I just assume it’s never coming back.
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OP responded:
She has something called ODD. I don’t know a ton about it but it seems like more… unpredictable than the average kid her age.
He has tried to address her issues at school, with little luck. She’s a handful to manage.
flakelover223 wrote:
When it comes to finances and friends/family, you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. The two choices are either lead them up the garden path, spin a fable about being skint, or fund them with the mindset of never seeing the money again.
Ok-Complaint-37 wrote:
Totally! I am the same. In younger years I was helpful and loaned some money here and there and only ONCE these money were returned to me nicely.
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But in that case the person who asked was very tough, very self-sufficient and he gave me exact time THE SAME DAY when he will return my money plus extra. In that case everything went smooth. But he wasn’t a friend-friend. Those people who use closeness as banks are not really friends but people who are waiting to benefit.
I would also say no. I would have never asked my friends for money. You could make this decision yourself if you would like to pay for this cause but not as a loan but just a gift payment. But to be forced into paying is no. Fortunately for you he cancelled friendship and it is a good thing as his daughter seems to be out of control and you do not want to be close to that.
potential_mess8152 wrote:
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I live by the motto of “only loan the amount of money you are willing to lose.” If a friend or family member needs a loan, I only lend what I won’t mind losing and it varies depending on the person and situation. And when the request is too big, like in this case, I sometimes tell them I only have x amount and that it’s a gift to them, no repayment necessary.
That way you help out without going tnrough the drama of collecting. Also, it appeases them if you can’t/won’t give them the amount they are requesting. Sometimes I don’t say anything about gifting so they know they need to repay but I won’t lose sleep over that money bc in my mind it’s already gone.
