AITAH for not allowing my son’s stepmother time with him a few times a month for him to be with her and his half siblings??
I (30f) have a 9 year old son with my ex. We were together for 3 years when I got pregnant and our relationship lasted until our son was 1. The reason we broke up is because he did nothing for our son and he showed no interest at all in being a dad. For the first year after our breakup he showed no interest in seeing our son at all. He told the judge he didn’t want to see our son more than once a month. He was given every other weekend but stayed true to his wish for once a month and he did not see him as much as the courts allowed. The courts ordered child support and his wages were garnished. He told me I needed to stop taking his money and I told him he owed money for our son and our son deserved to have the financial stability the child support gave.
He then started taking our son both of his weekends and he filed for 50-50 custody with a stop to all child support payments. I filed to keep things as they were but the judge issued a change to custody and child support because at that point he had been 8 months involved (at least to appearances) and the judge said they always hope 50-50 will be available for the sake of the kids.
My ex did not use his parenting time however. For something like a year he had his mom taking care of our son during his parenting time and then he had a girlfriend he never told me about do it. They broke up and it was back to his mom. Then he met his wife. He married her quick and all of a sudden she was the person taking care of our son when he was with his dad.
Even before she came into the picture my son was upset that his dad didn’t make time for him. He used to come back from his dad’s parenting time and ask me why his dad didn’t want to spend any time with him. He loved his grandma and he loved spending time with her but he said he never saw his dad and his dad didn’t come to nothing. I got my son therapy to help him process. But once my ex got married my son hated his dad’s house. Not only was he not getting time with his dad, but it was a stranger and not his grandma taking care of him.
My son witnessed drama between my ex, his ex and wife because the ex (who I didn’t know about when she was with my ex and taking care of my son) came back while my ex’s wife was pregnant. There was a lot going on and my son saw his dad make time for everything and everyone else but him. My ex’s wife tried to build a relationship with my son and she tried to make herself my co-parent and point of contact for their household. My son didn’t bond with her and I did not want to deal with anyone but my ex. I wanted him to be a father and I hated that my son was supposed to be with his other parent but wasn’t.
My son never bonded with his half siblings either and his hurt grew when he saw his dad pay some attention (but not a lot from the sounds of it) to those kids. He used to ask frequently if he could just stay with me. But custody was 50-50 and my ex taking his time was all the judge cared about. Which is why I went to my ex and offered to keep our son full time and keep the no child support payments going. I told him I would not ask for him to pay a single thing. My ex eagerly agreed. He acted like it was the best news I could have given him. My ex’s wife was unhappy about it though.
She took offense to me making the offer and she told me I should have consulted with her and I should have factored her and her children’s feelings into this (her children were/are very very young and won’t remember my son). I blocked her after an onslaught of texts came in from her that were all hostile. A few months later she reached out on a new number and apologized and asked for us to set up visitation a few times a month so my son can spend time with her and her kids. She told me she tried to see him when I let my ex’s mom see my son, but ex’s mom won’t allow it. She said the kids should grow up together and she misses my son and loves him and wants a relationship with him.
I spoke to my son’s therapist and we talked to my son a little and I said no to stepmother’s request with the support of the therapist. My son did not bond when he was at his dad’s house and he’s going to be hurt realizing his dad still lives with and has a relationship with them. Not to mention the fact he simply doesn’t miss them back and has not expressed any interest or wish to have them in his life.
My ex’s wife told me I was selfish and this was not what’s best for my son and I should think about how his life as an only child will be worse than his life as a sibling. But I don’t agree because not all siblings are close or will be there for each other. Not to mention it can be toxic in the wrong circumstances.
AITAH?
Edited to clarify that my son’s stepmother protested my decision and his therapist supports it.
