AITA for refusing to attend my sister’s child-free wedding after she made an exception for our cousin?
My younger sister is getting married in a few months. From the beginning, she and her fiancé were very clear that it would be a child-free wedding. She said they wanted a more “elegant adult vibe” and didn’t want to worry about kids running around during the ceremony or reception.
I have two kids (6 and 4). I won’t lie.. I was a little disappointed because they’re close with their aunt, but I respected her decision. My husband and I arranged for my in-laws to watch them for the weekend since the wedding is out of town. It’s costing us a bit because we’re covering travel for my in-laws. We’re also getting a hotel for ourselves near the venue.
Cutting to the chase – yesterday I found out through our mom that our cousin is bringing her two kids (8 and 10). I was confused and asked my sister about it. She said since our cousin is flying in from across the country and “doesn’t have anyone she trusts to leave the kids with for that long,” so they’re making an exception.
I pointed out that we are also traveling (about 4 hours away) and that we had to rearrange everything to make this work. She said it’s “not the same” because our cousin would need overnight care for several days, whereas ours is just a weekend. I reminded her that ours is still overnight and we had to pay for extra arrangements too.
What really bothered me wasn’t even the kids being there, it’s that the rule suddenly isn’t a rule. It feels unfair. My kids adore her and would be crushed to know they weren’t invited but their second cousins were.
I told her that if it’s not truly child-free and exceptions are being made, then I’d prefer to bring my kids too. She said absolutely not, that she’s already stressed and doesn’t want to open the floodgates. I told her that in that case, my husband and I might not attend because it feels like we’re being treated differently. She got upset and said I’m making her wedding about me and punishing her over one small accommodation. My mom thinks I should just let it go because ‘it’s her day’. My husband thinks it’s unfair but says he’ll support whatever I decide.
Now my sister is barely responding to me, and I’m wondering if I overreacted. I don’t want to cause drama, but I also don’t like the double standard.
AITA for considering not going because the “child-free” rule isn’t actually child-free?
The internet had lots to say in response.
thealchemist2000 wrote:
Another day, another AITA for not going to a child free wedding, or variations thereof. After 5 million of these stories, it’s still difficult to understand why those holding child free weddings get upset when people with children can’t/won’t come to your precious wedding. It’s equally difficult to understand why those with children keep wanting exceptions for their rugrats.
Not the AH for not going, not the AH for wanting a child free wedding. There, I hope that clears it up for future posters. Also as a side note, no one has a b-llet to your head about funding a wedding you don’t want to attend. Don’t fund it and don’t attend it.
SolmaRedditUserNow wrote:
I was at N A H. I mean, she doesn’t want kids at her wedding. I get it. I’ve been to more than one where a squawling baby just interrupts the ceremony, or speeches, etc.
Some the parents are awesome and rush the kid out of the room to calm it down, other parents just cluelessly give a “what can you do” and seem oblivious that they are interfering with things going on. Completely get it.
That said,
when I got to this part:
“she feels like I’m putting our baby above her wedding. She even hinted that I should figure out how to “detach” from the baby for just a few days and that we should understand how important this event is for her.”
Whoa there nellie. Holy crap, your sister is a piece of work for this statement. so NTA. I suspect she may regret such statements once the wedding is over or upon reflection. At least I would hope she does. Utter bullshit things to say.
Further. your kiddo will be around 6 months old at that point. This is not to say that the previous months suck, and aren’t wonderful etc etc etc…but around that 6 months mark… shit is getting AWESOME.
Babies are laughing, they actually know you, the toy thing is kicking into gear and playing, they baby talk at you. You’re doing the hold-hands-dance thing and they dig it. They’re super fun. Sure the poop starts getting serious but, you know, good with the bad.
In the unsolicited advice section I would have said perhaps this is where since this is your sister, if you’re good with flying with the kiddo, you do so. Then hubby just has the baby for a few hours while you do the wedding, and then you leave. However. would completely understand skipping this given sis’s attitude.
IrrelevantManatee wrote:
INFO: Why are you not willing to leave the baby with your husband while you go to the wedding? Is he incompetent?
Edit: Just because it’s not clear, OP doesn’t have to travel alone and spend days away from her child. She can bring them along and breastfeed before/after the wedding. They would just have to leave the child with the dad for a couple hours. I was questioning why she wasn’t willing to do that.
EquivalentTwo1 wrote:
NTA. Logistically you can’t leave your baby for that long. Your sister doesn’t want to make an exception, so she decides to be mad that you’re respecting her decision? To be honest, it’s very difficult for people who haven’t or don’t breastfeed to understand how hard it is to be away from a 3 month old.
They can be cluster feeding at that age. Even if they are not, you’d have to figure out pumping, keeping things clean and cool, not over pumping, and that’s even if you can pump. Some people cannot, some babies refuse bottles, it’s a whole nightmare that can have big consequences for the health of the baby and mother.
“I’m not risking a starving or dehydrated baby or mastitis by choosing to be away from my baby for x many hours.” Is a valid decision so is the brides “no babies.” They are incompatible positions. I am sorry there is no good answer for this.
