“AITA for not wanting my parents to stay at my apartment when they come visit?”
I (27F) lives in the US alone. I came here in 2016, and have been living in my current studio apartment since 2020. I haven’t been back to China since 2021. When I was doing MA and still had my parents’ support, I told them they can stay at my apartment when they visit. They came visit once in 2024, however it was for my graduation in a different city.
They asked to come visit this Chinese new year and at first I was happy. I haven’t seen them for 2 years and I was so excited to show them around. I almost forgot about the fact that we never had a good relationship growing up.
However, my excitement was gone when they said their plan is to stay at my place for 2 weeks. I told them it’s better to get a hotel room since my apartment is 350 sqft and will be way too cramped for 3 people, and I only have one bed and one couch.
This is not a case of them can’t afford a hotel room. They are well off and spent 10k USD on their flight tickets here for business class with no transfers. It’s much better to live in a hotel than my apartment.
However, my mom said if there’s no bed they’ll sleep on the floor. I told her it’s pretty messy at my place and they won’t like it, to which she said she won’t get mad and if she did I can just remind her. I had to came up with 5 different reasons before she finally agreed to book a hotel.
Not only that my apt isn’t for 3 people, but also my mom has a history of looking through my stuff. When I was young, she would read any paper I have at home, then act like she’s doing me a favor by doing so.
She also really wants me to go back to China, to the point that she told me she’s abandoning the bunny we had at home if I’m not going back and left the bunny without water for 4 days after I found a caregiver.
I’m ok with having them visit my apartment, but there’s absolutely no way I can leave them alone there. It’s all I have, not mentioning i don’t want them to hold my documents hostage. I think back then it’s reasonable to stay at my place because they paid for it, now I’m working and have confidential paperwork at my place, it’s no longer ok.
I have work on the day they come so I booked a ride for them to the hotel and my mom said “we land at 9 so we’ll be at the hotel latest at 12, but the check in time isn’t until 4.” I asked her what she wanted me to do and she went silent.
In the end I took half day off from work and told her that I’ll take them to eat before checkin, which she said “so are we going to your place first?” And I told her “No. You guys are going to the hotel first. I’ll meet you there.”
She went silent for a few hours before telling me how hurtful it was that I won’t let them stay there when they have 4 hours until checking in, or that I’m asking her to book a hotel at all.
She thinks it’s CNY and she should be allowed to stay at her daughter’s place. I would’ve said yes if our relationship wasn’t that awful growing up, but I also feel like an AH for how hurt she is. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Boring-Ear8253
NTA. Honey, maybe nobody told you this but you deserve your privacy. Also, know that you can be proud of you for achieving stability at 27 yo, you don’t need anyone let alone your parents to look through your stuff, this is a way of treating you like a child while you’re an adult!
observeroflife35
Healthy boundaries and respect does not elicit manipulation responses!! Respect does not cause guilt. You’re feeling guilty because you were conditioned by failing to meet your mother s unhealthy expectations!!! Mother is certainly the issue. Until you change yourself, recognizing your worth, you’ll forever be dealing with your mother s toxic behavior. Get some counseling to undo the toxic relationship!!
In the meanwhile get all of your stuff out of your apartment!! When you see your mother try to overstep your boundaries—call her out on it. Stand up for yourself!!! You effectively have to teach her. If she pouts or makes disparaging remarks —ignore her. If she can’t love you with respect you don’t need this.
Lighthouse_on_Mars
NTA, but get anything you don’t want them to see out of the apartment. Have a friend hold onto a bag filled with all your important documents and stuff. Or, if you are in school and have access to a gym, buy a lock and use the lockers at the gym. (Just make sure to move to a different locker everyday)
They are gonna end up alone at your apartment at some point. Your mom is gonna guilt you and make sure of it. So be prepared and get anything out of there you don’t want them to see or go through.
kemikica
Mild YTA. Not for insisting your parents stay at a hotel, that is ENTIRELY reasonable, but for being extremely crude regarding their first day in the States. They booked a hotel, they’re flying over, are entirely reasonable in informing you that they’re going to be in their hotel around noon, can’t check in and want to see their daughter (which is why they’re coming over).
Why did you feel the need to be rude with “what do you want me to do”, instead of saying “Oh, no worries, I’ll come to your hotel as soon as you guys get there and we’ll go grab lunch at this-and-this restaurant”? This way your rudeness just opened the door for her to be hurt, again, and to rub that hurt in your face.
You could try and minimize the hurt and the complaints about that hurt in several ways, without allowing them to come to your apartment, but you’re obviously not really interested in that.
swillshop
NTA. I think you are doing a very impressive job of keeping the connection with them but also upholding your own boundaries (with reasonable respect, even if your mom would disagree).
I also concur with the general advice to get your most important papers under lock & key/ safely out of your apartment… if your mom is someone who (1) will go through your things, (2) will use any means possible to force you to do what she wants, and (3) wants to get you back to the home country.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
