“AITA for having fun and staying through my SO’s dream vacation even though he was miserable and went home early?”
My SO had a dream vacation. He wanted to go to Japan for like forever. Now let me be clear, this man never travels outside the states and had been very outspoken about how he ~expected~ that foreign country would be like, and was way clearly off base and refused to do any research at all, so of course he was miserable.
To start off with, he’s extremely set in his ways. He only eats a few highly specific dishes (because he doesn’t like pretty much any seasoning or spices, he’s vegan, and decided to go gluten free, not medically necessary).
Some of the dishes are American Asian adjacent so he thought he’d be perfectly fine. He is also very big and tall, somewhat overweight (6’3 340lbs), to the point he refuses to go anywhere in my Scion because it “won’t fit him” (even though my adult son who is 6’5 uses it daily. He thinks most common American house features are too small and short for him (toilets, counters, doors etc).
The other thing is, we come from a somewhat melting pot city with many Asian parts of town, with Asian markets and many buildings with signage totally in other languages. He can’t read or speak any but enjoys spending a lot of time there and “immersing” himself in their culture and considers it very exotic and interesting.
So here’s the thing. He had a business trip to Japan. It’s 3 days of work spread over a week. He wanted to make it a vacation and use the free time in between it all to explore and see the sites. I bought my own ticket to come along. The hotel room and his ticket was covered by his employer.
So even before going he tells me how I am probably going to be uncomfortable because I’ll stick out like a sore thumb and might be insulted because I’m not the standard.
To be clear, I’m Norwegian and Danish and immigrated here as a child, in 5’11 blonde blue eyes and not the common look out there. I’m not unaware of that, but I’ve actually traveled before. I’ve been to China, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam.
I was never really treated harshly, in fact many people were kinda interested in how different I was. I told him, you know how you’re very into their culture and styles because it’s “exotic” here, well I’m what’s considered exotic there and maybe they’d be just as interested.
He scoffed and said something like “it’s a country full of exotic women you aren’t the exotic one” and I pretty much figured he was just didn’t know what exotic meant, but he got really defensive about it when I asked him and I just dropped it. I figured I’d let him figure it out along the way.
And I guess he did. So he was miserable and horrible the entire trip. He was constantly pissed off and frustrated that many people didn’t speak enough English for him to have conversations with.
I showed him how to use translate on his phone to help him but he got even more pissed and said he hated doing that even more so he was just snappy and mean when he wasn’t silent most of the time we were out.
I on the other hand tried to pick up enough conversational Japanese to at least get by and was learning more while there and he would get upset every time I tried to use it, saying I was being rude to him if I did.
He hated the hotel and room, he thought the toilet and showerhead was way too low and the bathroom was too tiny to use so he refused to use the restroom in the room, he would go from place to place to find a public toilet that was “normal” and high enough for him and wouldn’t shower.
He had a full blown tantrum about the food. He couldn’t find any restaurant with English menus within walking distance and refused to use translate or have anyone translate for him, the only places that did was fast food or cook meat inside and he won’t eat that.
So we went to the grocery store and he didn’t see any translation for prices and food names and started loudly complaining that it should have the American dollar amount and the words in English and he literally stomped back and refused to eat anything because it didn’t.
Also, everything HAD to be walking distance because he refused to get in any of the vehicles. He said they were all too small and didn’t see any big SUVs to rent or get rides in, so he cancelled our plans of driving out of the city to see other places we were gonna check out.
By the 3rd day there, we had a whole blown out fight. It was because while we were walking out and about the city, I was stopped repeatedly by people. Many wanted to take pictures with me. Some asked if I was famous or a model. I had an offer from a clothing company to stay and participate in their runway show.
Literally everywhere we went, people were looking at me and stopping me and when id translate what I could he accused me of lying to make myself feel better because he was getting quite a different reaction.
The few English conversations he had with people where about how big he was and that he didn’t fit in a chair he was in, and no one was stopping him for compliments so he refused to believe anyone would act that way towards me.
It turned into a fight at the hotel room because he said basically that I was making it up because why would these people who are surrounded with gorgeous Japanese woman every day be so enamored with me I’m common.
I told him look around, do you commonly see a lot of me here? I asked if he thought I was ugly or something and he said no I’m not ugly but I’m not beautiful like almost any woman out here, and they were just not complimenting me they were making fun of me and I was not smart enough to understand it.
Well he packed up and decided to end the job early and go home, told work he was really sick, and then got angry at me for not coming. Well I didn’t want to. I couldn’t stay at the hotel but I found a really nice group of young women who were renting a house out for the month visiting family, they offered me a bed much cheaper than getting a room.
Even better, they grew up around there, so they were taking me to their favorite places and teaching me words. I did end up taking up the offer to participate in the fashion show, it was super fun and my new friends came with their friends so I had a whole fun entourage.
I was asked to stay longer and travel with them up the coast, so I took an extra week and we saw the sights. It was incredible and once my SO left I had a fantastic time. I kept him in the loop the entire time but he seemed mad still, he gave one word replies.
When I got home he pretty much ghosted me. He didn’t want to meet up or anything. When I finally got him to pick up my call, he told me he was mad at me for not being supportive and making his dream vacation miserable for him.
I felt like I was super supportive, but he said if I was supportive I would have helped him find bigger cars, better food, a better hotel room and instead I just lived with it, and then I let him leave alone instead of supporting him by coming home with him.
Well it’s not my dream vacation but I spent the money and time to be there. I enjoy traveling, I made plans to see things, I had the time off work. I was only miserable because he was fighting every single thing and couldn’t enjoy himself.
It’s not like we didn’t look to make him comfortable, we tried to find those things and we just couldn’t. He didn’t like any of the available options at all. He said he was going to go back by himself next time and we were just not travel compatible.
I told him I agreed and maybe in the future we do our own things, and he got even more upset and said he expected me to resist that and I’m supposed to change to accommodate him and I’m acting like I don’t care.
Honestly I don’t and I didn’t think it’s such a bad thing. Some couples don’t travel well together, some couples do travel alone or with friends instead. I’ve had SOs that hated traveling and were super happy to stay home while I did and it was never a big thing. I had relationships where we both enjoyed solo travel sometimes, we didn’t have to do everything together.
But when I brought that up, he said that was insane and that’s why those relationships didn’t work out, because people who do that don’t love the person they’re with, and he would have left in a heartbeat if I was uncomfortable and wanted to go home.
But that isn’t true. There’s been even small parties we were at that I didn’t feel well and couldn’t pry him away from just to get a ride home, even if it was just down the street.
At one, I got really sick and couldn’t breathe, I felt weak my heart was beating fast and some random couple there I had never even met had to drive me home because he didn’t want to leave early and thought I would be fine if I just sat on the couch for a while. It turned out I had pancreatitis. That’s just ONE example of multiple.
But I had some of our mutual friends say to me I was very out of line for staying after he left and that is not normal. He didn’t ask me to go home he said he was going and I could “do whatever I want” but he needed his own bed and food. I took him on that and I’m wrong?? I’m the AH here?? Why do I need to be the one changing, why can’t he try to change a little?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Imaginary_Chair_6958
To be honest, I gave up half way through. But I’d read enough. NTA. Why are you with this awful man? Does he have ANY good qualities?
Ok_Tonight_3703
NTA. UGH this guy. He was angry that you weren’t miserable like it was. He told you over and over that you weren’t attractive like the Japanese women he fetishizes. He wanted you act as his personal mind reading assistant and make sure he had a great time. He leaves and expects you to leave.
Yet this AH wouldn’t leave a gathering when you were actually ill. This guy is an AH. Why are you with a selfish AH who fetishizes Japanese women and doesn’t respect or appreciate your beauty. You deserve better. Break up and solo travel.
Good_Narwhal_420
you need to leave this absolute manchild loser. jesus christ. obviously NTA, but i’m not even sure how you could be attracted to him after this abhorrent behavior and the way he treated you.
According_Baseball14
Babe… he sucks. He is a miserable AH. Move on from him and the mess of a life he has created for himself. Whyyyyy are so many wonderful women with useless, abusive AH? It blows my mind. Obviously you’re NTA. Duh.
Mysterious-Cake-7525
NTA. Your (hopefully soon to be ex)boyfriend doesn’t sound mature enough for a relationship. He doesn’t treat you like he values or respects you. I wouldn’t want a partner like that.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
