“AITA for refusing to move states while pregnant and choosing to co-parent instead?”

“AITA for refusing to move states while pregnant and choosing to co-parent instead?”

Just to start off I am currently pregnant 4months and me and the father of my child have broken up due to this matter I met my child’s father in my home state while he was working here. We dated a little over a year. Early in the relationship, I made it clear that I did not want to leave my home state and he agreed that we would build our life here.

He later lost his job and tried to find work locally but didn’t have success (or maybe he just did not try) So he began applying for jobs in other states and ended up leaving multiple times for work opportunities. Each time, the job didn’t work out and he returned. On his fourth attempt, he moved to another state again. About two months after he had been gone, I found out I was pregnant.

At first, we agreed that I would move to his state temporarily and then we would return to my home state once our baby was around six months old. However, before I ever made the move, he lost that job as well. At that point, I told him I felt it made more sense for him to come back to my state, especially with a baby on the way.

He refused and accepted another job in a different state. His reasons to not come back are that he believes he won’t find a high-paying job here, wants more financial freedom not “just getting by,” and says he hates living here and would be miserable. My city is smaller and has a lower cost of living, so while high-paying jobs are harder to find, it’s not impossible.

My reasons for not wanting to move are:

– I have extreme travel anxiety

– I’m pregnant with my first child and rely heavily on my family as my support system

– I’ve never lived anywhere else, while he has always traveled and lived in different places

-I currently receive free healthcare, WIC, and food assistance here, which are important

– Moving would likely mean instability (hotels)

– Short-term housing, and hoping the job works out since all the others have not).

– I want my child to grow up around family.

(Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins), which is important to me even if it isn’t to him since he’s not family-oriented.

Because neither of us are willing to move, we ultimately broke up and decided to co-parent from separate states.

I don’t feel like I’m wrong for staying where I have stability and support while pregnant, or am I being unreasonable?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Poppypie71 wrote:

NTA. DO NOT MOVE AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY!!! If you move to where he is and give birth there, he can stop you from moving back home and taking your baby with you. Wherever the baby is born is classed as the primary residence, so if he wants visitation HE needs to come to YOU to visit the child etc and you can stay living near your family as long as you want.

But if you give birth where he’s living, that will be classed as the baby’s primary residence and he can forbid you from moving back home with your baby. So you’ll end up single and trapped living in his expensive city as a single mum with no family or friends close by to support you. So stay living where you are local to your family, and apply for full custody and child support.

Plus this guy is clearly not reliable as he can’t seem to keep hold of any job no matter where he goes, so the common denominator is him, and that he’s not a reliable person and likely doesn’t follow the rules and keeps getting sacked. Stay far away, stay with your family, apply for full custody and child support, and if he wants to be involved in his kids life then he can come to your state to visit etc.

teresajs wrote:

NTA. When you go through court for custody and child support, the court system the child was born (or has lived in for the last six months) is where the case is filed. Also, the child’s’ physical location is their default “home location.”

Staying in your home state, living near family, and giving birth there, gives you a significant advantage in establishing that area as your child’s primary residence. Staying where you and your child have stability and support is a good choice to make. But it also gives you a significant legal advantage.

nonchalantenigma wrote:

NTA- even without all of your reasons (which are all valid and good reasons), the mere fact he is constantly changing jobs and moving for said jobs makes his lifestyle less than ideal for raising a child. He also cannot hold a job or is too flighty to stay in one long enough for the earth to travel a decent distance around the sun.

These-Process-7331 wrote:

As a mom the best advice I can give you: DONT LEAVE YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM!!!!!! The first couple of months they wake up every 3 hours to eat. Or don’t sleep at all due to growing pains (at night!) or colic pains. On top of that your body needs to heal. —> you will be freaking tired all the time and will need all the help you can get!

Especially since your babies daddy doesn’t seem a responsible person (multiple jobs in a short time = 🚩 flag), who will pick up his share of parenting and then some more because you can’t due to healing after birth. Because in reality, you won’t be co-parenting but being a single mom with a known spermdonor.

Guest8782 wrote:

Do NOT give birth in another state. If you did, he could essentially refuse to let you take the child back to live near family. You are 100% making the right decision. Once you establish yourself in another state with a child, you can no longer unilaterally chose to move, as you would be taking the child away from the other parent. Stick with family for this one.