“My (26f) friend (26f )is sad no one is excited for her wedding and I don’t know how to tell her why?”
My best friend “Carly” is getting married in July after getting engaged last December. She called me today, crying, because she now told everyone about the engagement and her plans for the upcoming wedding and no one seems to be excited and while she appreciates how hard I’m trying to be excited for her, she can feel I know something she doesn’t and she is kind of right.
She has been together with her boyfriend 12 years now, though, they have broken up a few times in the past, mostly because of him, so I don’t know anyone who particularly likes him.
He also didn’t propose properly, just said they should be engaged no. No ring, nothing, and it is a pattern that she will beg for him to be active, he gives her crumbs and she will try to convince everyone (even herself) that it is the best thing anyone has ever done for anyone.
When talking about the upcoming wedding, every sentence is about what he wants and how he will enjoy the day and there are two main aspects which I know her other friends and family dislike.
No plus ones, but not in the traditional sense but for example, I am not allowed to bring my husband because “he isn’t close friends with the couple”. So not just no boyfriends and random people, also no fiances and no husbands unless they are also very close friends of the couple.
There will be no expenses paid for the guests. No save the dates or invites, no venue, there will be a reservation in a restaurant where everyone will pay for themselves and if someone wants cake, they can bring one or order off the menu.
To be clear, I don’t have anything against someone wanting to keep a wedding small and inexpensive (even thoug she is not short on money, but it is her choice how to spend it), but I understand how the way she describes her wedding day sounds quite unappealing, especially since some of her guests live a few hours away and some even in another country.
I tried to hint at these things in the past few weeks (and she knows how me and other friends feel about her fiance, we just gave up talking to her about it a few years ago, after she took him back a 4th time) but after that call, it is clear she still doesn’t know or doesn’t want to see.
I just don’t know what to d and how to tell her because I think you should be able to celebrate your wedding day how you want, but also, if the happiness and excitement of her guests is so important to her, there is no way around telling her, but it might put her in a bad spot where she has to decide if she “gives into the guests demands” or sticks to her (her fiances) plan.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Slytherinsister wrote:
My guess is that the groom is making things deliberately as difficult as possible in the hopes that she will give up and/or cancel the wedding when people refuse to come. Even a blind person could see that he doesn’t want to marry her but I guess she is so desperate after all these years that she will take whatever crumbs he gives her. How sad.
If I were you I would be honest with her. People aren’t excited because her groom is a POS who doesn’t treat her well and who is trying to make the wedding as unpleasant as possible for anyone who dares to attend. She probably won’t listen but you can still try.
OP responded:
I think you touched on a very good point because when she told me the plan for the wedding she kept saying “HE doesn’t want to spend a lot of money,” “HE doesn’t want to have people there that are not the `main’ friends.”
And “HE doesn’t like to get a lot of attention so we are going to keep it small.” But whenever I ask and press about what SHE wants, she just say “I want him to have a good time.”, like she is scared he is going to change his mind if she disagrees with him.
typewood wrote:
I would tell her exactly why. Send her this post if you have to. Why are you dancing around it? Be direct. Tell her that you care about her, so do other people, and that’s why you don’t like seeing how her fiancé is treating her and everyone else. That it’s pretty questionable to ask people to travel to a wedding at their own expense but not invite their spouses, or pay for their dinner, or even provide cake.
That she may be fine with allowing her fiancé to bully her into accepting the bottom scrape of the barrel, but that asking her friends and family to participate in that and be treated the same is an invitation (but not really, since they aren’t sending them) that nobody is going to be happy to accept.
That if she wants an engagement ring and a proper wedding, that she deserves to have them, and deserves to have a true partner who wants to make her happy. I think true
