“My (25f) boyfriend (32m) of 1yr seems to be mad that I’m buying a new (used) car and now is ‘reconsidering’ our relationship due to my priorities.”
I currently drive a 15-year-old Kia with about 215000 km on it. Over the past year I have probably put over 5k into it from a new radiator to brakes and rotors and calipers and a new gas tank and brake lines and blah blah blah. Not to mention my insurance alone is $400. I also owe nothing on this car. It’s also my first car I ever had and it’s been about 6 years since I got it.
Recently, my brakes went and I got them fixed because it’s my only mode of transportation to work and school and I cannot risk missing out on either and I have really no other way of getting there. My car is a death trap. Last month my brakes went as I was driving to his house.
I had a mental breakdown and in that moment he said I need to think about getting a new car and he has said this multiple times but I just didn’t think I could afford it because I really didn’t understand how it worked to finance a car.
It also needs other work done such as sway bar links and control arm bushings, not to mention my check engine light has been on for years due to an evap leak and my airbag light is on due to who knows what. Moral of the story THE CAR IS DYING. Most importantly I start a new job in a couple months where I’m commuting 6 days a week about 100 km a day.
Over the past few weeks since a friend who works at a dealership has been trying to find a car for me and help me understand how I can finance within my budget. We finally found one and after a lot of therapy sessions and talking with other people everyone seems to think it’s a good idea for me because it’s not worth risking my current car blowing up while I need to get to work.
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Mostly I was scared of the change. Last night I told my boyfriend about it. We don’t live together. Our finances are separate. He has a steady corporate job and lives in a house by himself. I am just finishing my bachelors and I split rent with a roommate. I have been saving for a new car.
However he told me that he doesn’t see why I need a new car when I put all that money into my current car and it’s a stupid financial decision to just go buy a new car. I tried to explain that my car terrifies me and it’s really a matter of time until I can’t save it anymore.
He says what happens when my new car “blows up” after I drive it off the lot. I said that’s dramatic and that the car has a warranty on it for another 3 years but I also added an extended warranty on it after that for a total of 5. It’s a full warranty if anything happens to it it will be fixed without me needing to pay.
We spat back and forth until I finally asked why he cared when it’s not his money and he said that clearly it’s a bad idea if I’m getting defensive over a simple line of questioning but to do what I want while he reconsiders what this means for “us.”
Financially there is no “us”. I’ve mentioned living together but he says it’s still too early and he’s not sure which I was understanding of. Am I an idiot and missing something? Am I truly making a bad choice or is he just gaslighting me for some reason only he knows?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
gr8idea5 wrote:
He’s gaslighting you for sure. First of all, you don’t owe him an explanation for why or how you spend your money. I’m not quite sure what his angle is either, other than trying to control your big decisions. If you feel like it’s a good investment and the right thing for you, ask him why that really upsets him. It has nothing to do with him, so I’m actually genuinely curious.
OP responded:
I’M CURIOUS TOO!! And like I’ve said, he told me before to get a new car and then I go to and it’s suddenly a bad decision. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly either. I did my research, I asked a million questions to people I didn’t agree to anything until I felt absolutely zero anxiety about all of it.
I would pour my entire existence into my current car if it meant it would run forever but it’s just not reasonable anymore. I thought he would understand that as he’s had many cars, old and new.
traditional-cat6145 wrote:
So it’s “too soon” to move in together, but soon enough for him to try and control your spending. Run, or actually drive away really fast in your new car.
OP wrote:
And it’s not like this is a one-off year of something happening. The year before it was my tires and then it was something else seized and it had to be replaced like it’s been going down hill for a while but it was a slow roll that’s now turning into an avalanche. It is rusty as hell.
It got clipped a few years ago and the frame has a huge hole in it that is just rusting endlessly. Again she’s ancient. She’s been THROUGH IT. When I got my brakes fixed it was a well now this is wrong. And I know it’ll just continue. Not to mention what could be going on internally that can’t be seen from the outside.
And I’ll say it till I’m blue in the face, he told me multiple times to go look at something new but now that I am it’s a bad choice. Is it because it’s not his choice? He also hasn’t seen the car I’m looking at so it’s not like a bias based upon that.
Hand_and_eye wrote:
It’s not his business what you spend your money on until you’re married and your financial futures are combined. It’s also a perfectly normal and sound choice to buy a new car when your existing car is dangerous and a money pit, especially since you saved for it and budgeted soundly. Dude is a prick and sounds like he doesn’t respect you.
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OP responded:
And my thought process too is if it was money he was really worried about my new job starts in two months and I’ll be making way more than I am now. The new car fits into my current budget which is quite low. It’s also the whiplash of him telling me every time I got it fixed to think about a new car and then I do it and it’s shocked pikachu face why did you do that.
bananahammerredux wrote:
At best, he’s a controlling AH and at worst he’s an idiot who clearly can’t be trusted to cross the street by himself because he doesn’t understand risk assessment or logic. Either way: get your car and tell him what you do with your money is none of his business and you’re done justifying your choices to him. If he doesn’t like it he can screw right on off.
Jen5872 wrote:
When you’re paying more in repairs than the car is worth then it’s time to replace it. It’s a waste of money to keep repairing it. Your boyfriend sounds like a real asshat and not a very bright one at that.
