“WIBTA for refusing to support my mother because of what she wrote down on her will?”

“WIBTA for refusing to support my mother because of what she wrote down on her will?”

I (40F) am the primary healthcare proxy for my mother (85F), and our relationship is…complicated to say the least. Growing up, my parents have always had favorites between me and my brother (44M now).

My brother was my mother’s favorite, and I was my dad’s favorite. And because of that, it sort of “balanced out.” However, my dad passed away last year when he was 91, and it was a really difficult time for me and my mother.

Especially since my mother’s health had declined a lot since my dad passed away. And despite how I wasn’t as close to my mother, I still decided to step up to take care of her. Especially when my dad asked me to do so on his de-th bed, because he didn’t want my mother to be all alone after he passed away.

However, recently, I heard from one of my dad’s friend about how my mother was planning on leaving almost everything behind for my brother in her will. How my brother was going to get the majority of the financial inheritance, all of the family heirlooms, and most importantly…the family home that my father wanted to give to me, but decided not to do so, because he didn’t want to make my mother homeless.

And that bothers me, because not only have I been the one to take care of her for the last year, but also because this kind of blatant favoritism seemed far too extreme, even for me. Especially since my brother already has a house on his own since my father gifted him one when he was first got married.

While I still don’t have one for myself, because I promised my dad that my and my (now deceased) husband that we wouldn’t buy one for ourselves, since my dad that he wanted to give us the family home. So, when I confronted my mother over this, she not only confirmed that it was true.

But she told me that she thought it would be better for my brother to have the family home, because it was bigger than the house that he had now. And that he and his wife (34F) was going to have another child soon, so they need more room. And she also argued that since I only had 1 daughter and no husband, I didn’t need such a big house.

But when I told her about what my dad promised me about the family home, she argued that if he really meant it, then he would have given it to me in the first place, instead of just leaving it under her own name. And since she own the house now, she was going to give it to my brother, no matter what.

But she did try to “provide” me with solutions by telling me that I should ask my brother for his house if owning a house was the main issue. Which obviously wasn’t going to work out. And now, because of what feels like a massive betrayal, I feel like I should just cut my support for her, sign away my rights as her healthcare proxy, and never talk to her again.

But I also feel conflicted if I did so, because I’ll be betraying my dad’s death wish. Especially since I promised that I would take care of her after he passed. So, WIBTA for wanting to refuse to continue to support my mother because of what she wrote down on her will?

Not long after posting, OP shared two small updates.

EDIT: So, because of character limits, I wasn’t able to explain the whole family situation. So I’m going to try to leave some comments behind to explain everything. And how and why I’m not mad about the favoritism toward my brother in the majority of my mother’s will.

EDIT (2): Especially since, after my dad died, he left behind a favorable amount of money for me. About 70/20/10, with 70% going to me (with me getting about 5.5mil for both personal uses and for medical care for my mother).

20% going to my brother (so he gets 1.7mil to support his family), and 800K for my mother for her to use for her own personal care (and that I would use the money I received from my dad to care for her).

And yes, I know this is blatant favoritism from both sides (and yes…I know it wasn’t fair for our parents to play favorites). Which is why I’m not upset about my brother receiving the majority of my mother’s will in both finances and in having the rest of the family heirlooms.

The only thing that I’m just upset about is not getting the family home like I was promised by my father. Especially since that’s what my dad wished for me to have, only for my mother to trample all over that because she believes that my brother needs the home more than I do. So, I hope my comments and edits would leave behind more details to make this a more “fair” judgement.

OP added this in the comments:

1. My mother doesn’t live closer to my brother than she does with me.

If anything, I live closer to her since I live in the same town as her, while my brother lived in the big city that a bit farther from us (I won’t reveal where, because I don’t want people to know my real-life location).

2. Even though my mother is closer to my brother, my brother wouldn’t have been able to take care or look after her well. Especially since he had his 5 children (soon to be 6 now) to worry about first, along with his wife.

And because of that, my father was worried that my mother would be left to fend for herself, since he knew that my brother couldn’t be able to watch over her, and he knew that I wasn’t close to her enough look like I wanted to take care of her as well.

So, as an attempt to not make my father worry, especially during his death bed, I thoughtlessly told him that I’ll try to make some peace with my mother and to watch over her for him when he passes away. Just so that I could give him some peace of mind during this last days alive.

3. My father didn’t want me to buy a house nor did he want to just buy a house for me, because he didn’t want me to waste my money on buying some house for myself.

Especially since all of the houses around us that was for sale was in extremely bad shape that would cost thousands of dollars just to rebuild and repair them to a livable state, and that he didn’t want us to live in a house that was too far away from him.

Also… my dad didn’t want me to buy a house, because he believed that a child -like my young daughter- could get attached the house they live in, and that he was worried that my daughter wouldn’t feel comfortable taking over the family home due to having some kind of childhood attachments to this hypothetical house that we never bought. I don’t understand that logic, but that’s how he thought.

4. So instead of buying a house, my dad recommender that he set me and my late husband up with a friend of his that can rent us a rather luxurious apartment near the family home for an extremely discounted price.

Both to save money, and also to live nearby so that me and my daughter can come visit him in the family home to cosy her up into the family home, so that my daughter didn’t feel off-put about the family home when he planned on passing it down to me and my daughter in the future.

And to this day, we still live in that luxury apartment that’s near the family home. Even after my husband’s death.

6. And well, I will say this… my dad was a thrifty man and knew how to be smart with the money he saved up over the years (hence why he had 8mil leftover for us to inherit), but he also wasn’t… the most smartest man alive either. Pretty gullible and overly trusting, actually.

Especially toward my mother, whom my dad told me that she would still respect his wishes to pass the family home to him, and that she trusted her to keep her word to him.

Now, I should have double checked with my mother if she was truly going to follow through with it, but I was more worried about taking care of my dad than I was with wanting to pick a fight with my mother.

And it wasn’t until one of my dad’s friend (ironically, the one who rented the apartment to me) who asked me why I was okay with giving the family home away to my brother… which started this whole thing to begin with.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Kingsdaughter613

NTA. But you’re the AH to yourself if you stay. She favours your brother so much, and he has a partner to help, so sign the healthcare proxy over to him. I’m sure he’ll be very glad to help someone who is giving him so much.

And while that’s ongoing: talk to a lawyer. Do you have any documentation proving that your dad wanted you to have the house? You may be able to contest your mom’s ownership if you do.

But even if you don’t: document all the time you have spent caring for her, set yourself an hourly rate, total up the costs, and request payment. You may be able to recoup the time spent caregiving from the estate after she passes.

CeramicSavage

Stop setting yourself on fire to keep your mother warm. Your brother can take over her care or the state can do it. For your own sanity, no contact is a great idea.

me123456777

Make her pay for your services a nursing home cost tens of thousands of dollars a month for some places I think 10 grand a month would be fair otherwise see ya. I had a parent like her screw her not the a%^$ole.

IzarkKiaTarj

NTA. You fulfilled your father’s wish (taking care of your mother) on the condition of granting a different wish of his (giving you the house).

He wanted you cared for.