“I (39M) am considering breaking up with my 10 year financially dependent girlfriend (39F).”
I’m in a really complicated spot and I need some perspective because my guilt is eating me alive. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 10 years. She is honestly the kindest, most loyal person I’ve ever met, but our relationship has turned into something that feels more like a caretaker dynamic than a partnership.
The main issue is that she hasn’t had a job or worked on her professional skills in the last decade. I’ve been supporting her financially and emotionally for a long time.
I currently live abroad, and we’ve been having a distance relationship for around 5 years, with many ups and downs, where, honestly, I didn’t leave her because of guilt. After discussing it too much, the plan was for her to eventually move here to live with me, and now she wants to make that happen very soon.
The problem is that over the time we’ve been physically apart, I’ve realized I just can’t do it. The dependency has completely drained me. Since she doesn’t speak English and has no career, if she moves here, I will be her only connection to the outside world.
I’ll be her translator, her bank, and her only friend. Just thinking about it gives me massive anxiety. I’ve also realized that I’m a solitary person at heart and I genuinely prefer living alone. I know if she moves in, I’m going to feel suffocated and resentful within weeks, and it’s going to end badly in a foreign country where she has no support system.
I know I need to end the relationship, but I feel paralyzed by guilt because she has built her entire life around me. I feel like I enabled this by supporting her for so long, and pulling the rug out from under her feels cruel.
I’m willing to keep sending her money for a few months to help her get on her feet so she isn’t destitute, but I’m absolutely scared about her moving in with me. How do I have this conversation without completely destroying her? I know I have to be the bad guy here, but I want to do it in the most responsible way possible.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Advice2Anyone wrote:
This relationship ended 5 years ago sounds like, when you moved apart that was the time to either lump together or break you guys chose middle ground and now your dissatisfied.
This is a mess you are more than halfway through your life and are still thinking about hedging, just walk you don’t actually owe anyone anything and everyone has the right to seek happiness it really sounds like you both are holding each other hostage.
OP responded:
You’ve nailed it. Thanks for your comment.
fiddleaddams wrote:
Well, if you don’t want to ‘destroy’ her by telling the truth, just end the relationship saying it doesn’t make sense to you anymore. A couple of years ago I broke up with my fiancé because he wanted to be an actor and I was the only one with a job and had to support him and his family during the pandemic.
I became so drained that I couldn’t see beauty anywhere anymore. The idea of marrying him and having kids would freak the shit out of me, because I knew I would be the only one supporting them. That was the best decision ever and I have no regrets. Think about yourself for once. What you want? Are you happy?
OP responded:
I’m deeply unhappy. At this moment it isn’t about money, but about having some ‘oxygen’ in my life, with a partner that can actually be a partner, supporting me when taking hard decisions, or nurturing me with her own life. This didn’t happen and ain’t happening, and it exhausts me so hard, as I feel I have to do everything for her. Thanks for your kind words and for sharing your experience.
oneofthosejoerognsguys wrote:
How many times or how often have you guys seen each other in the last 5 years?
OP responded:
A few months. She had to stay in her home country for almost two years because her dad was dying of cancer. In fact, she didn’t move abroad with me because she was late preparing all her visa paperwork.
Then the pandemic came, and she couldn’t move with me until everything was settled. If she had been more diligent, we would never have parted ways initially, which, of course, damaged a lot of the bond we had (at least from my side).
Mari-gold5625 wrote:
You are kind and thoughtful- be honest and offer the financial help “short term” & then move forward with your own life. She needs to figure out her own “stuff”. To live off of someone and avoid working on one’s own goals and skills is not only unfair to herself but to you as well.
No matter how sweet & loyal. You’re unintentionally enabling her also as she has gotten comfortable and complacent but has the security of you paying her way. Move on without guilt and find contentment. ❄️
OP responded:
Thanks a lot for your advice and kind words.
TheAnswersisWithin wrote:
People always adapt. For example, somebody once told me about a time when he made such good money that everyone else in the family stopped working and just relied on him for money. Then later when he was fired, everybody went back to work.
Many people don’t work if they don’t have to.
Environmental-Age502 wrote:
You’ve lived in different countries for 5 years, but think she’s ‘built her life around you”? No job or family, no physical proximity, no ‘parter’ aspect to this partnership, and you honestly believe she’s “built” anything here??
Hun, she will be fine. She’s got a whole life you aren’t really part of, same as you do with her. Don’t overestimate the impact you leaving will have here, just because she’s financially dependent on you. That’s on her, she’s the one who never got a job. She needs to figure it out, you can’t not live forever, because she won’t start to.
justgeesememes wrote:
Why on earth have you been sending her money for 10 years and been ok with her not having any kind of job at all in that time??? And why has she not had one?
Main point being – if she was financially dependent because she was a stay at home mum, or unable to work for health reasons or something that’s one thing but if it’s just because she hasn’t needed to because she’s fine with you just sending her money… that feels like she’s been taking advantage to be honest.
