AITA if I bring my daughter to my cousin’s wedding, preventing my sister from going?”
I want to be as fair as possible because I myself am torn on the right decision to make. My sister has a debilitating fear of vomiting. Our family has a history with OCD, and when she was in middle school, she had gotten incredibly sick with e.Coli and was hospitalized for two weeks.
During this time, she had frequent vomiting and got moderate esophageal damage from vomiting, which caused her pain for months and some complications afterwards.
Since then, she’s altered her life to ensure she never vomits again due to her trauma. She sticks to eating only bland foods, will not eat any food she hasn’t prepared herself, doesn’t drink or take any medication that can cause vomiting, and obsessively checks news alerts for salmonella, e.coli, or stomach virus outbreaks.
This isn’t a mild dislike or phobia- she has quit a job and lost relationships over her obsession. There is no world where she can just “suck it up”, even for a few hours.
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A few months ago at my mom’s birthday gathering, my sister’s fear extended to my daughter. She seemed normal before we took her to my parents’, however, she vomited on the couch.
My sister screamed and immediately got up and left. My daughter asked about why her aunt left without saying goodbye, and felt bad that her vomiting scared her. I was pretty upset with my sister after that for hurting my daughter’s feelings, but they resolved it on FacetTime.
Since then, she has avoided my daughter in person, although she still calls her and sends her gifts. This incident did cause her to seek treatment however, and she’s been in therapy for a couple of months.
My cousin is getting married on Valentine’s Day, and my sister called me today saying she doesn’t think she can attend if my daughter attends. She’s been tracking the stomach flu in our area and apparently there’s a mild outbreak, and she’s convinced my daughter will get it at daycare.
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She was really emotional on the phone, crying profusely and saying she knows her OCD is a problem she needs to fix it and she loves my daughter to death, but she can’t fix it in time for the wedding. She’s also really close to this cousin and was set to help her get ready, so not going will devestate her and upset the bride.
I asked her about whether she’s afraid other guests will get her sick, and she just said it’s easier to avoid physical contact with adults and my daughter will run right up to her.
I told her I’ll control my daughter, but that wasn’t good enough for her because children touch everything. I told her that if my daughter gets sick, we won’t take her, but she pointed out that last time we didn’t realize she was sick.
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I love my sister, but I also love my daughter and I don’t think my daughter should be removed from family gatherings l because she got sick one time. And while I know my sister can’t fix her mental health overnight, she’s known for years she needs treatment and hasn’t gotten it until recently. I’m just skeptical that this won’t lead to further exclusion for my daughter.
My daughter is 3; I know she won’t care about not attending the wedding if we distract her with something more fun. I know securing child care won’t be that difficult (husband’s parents).
But it’s the principle of having to change our plans to accommodate her illness that she’s known about for years and hasn’t taken steps towards alleviating. I told my sister I’ll think about it, but I’m honestly torn. AITA if I say no to her request to leave my daughter behind, which is what I’m leaning towards?
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Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Worldly-Advisor7201
NTA but consider the bride. Would she rather spend the day with your sister whom she’s close with or a 3 year old? Sorry about the tough situation it’s certainly not fair to you.
aita_emetophibiasis (OP)
Yeah, it’s a great point. My cousin would be really sad if my sister didn’t come.
Kerrytwo
Yeah, the nice thing to do here would be not to bring your daughter. I was ready to tell you to bring your daughter and let your sister deal, but given how young your daughter is, and that your cousin would likely prefer your sister to attend I’d be inclined to go with your sister this time.
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I’d definitely watch and make sure it’s not an ongoing expectation, though. At the end of the day it’s something your sister needs to work on. Hope you’re okay, dealing with this must be very upsetting on lots of angles.
aita_emetophibiasis (OP)
It sucks because I love everyone involved and don’t want to cause pain. I admit I’m a little sensitive to my daughter worrying about triggering my sister because of how my siblings and I were made to feel about our father’s OCD (very different compulsions, but we always walked on eggshells). I don’t want that future for her, but I can talk to my sister about how to mitigate that in the future and let her enjoy this event.
Altruistic-Bunny
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Just wondering if any other kids will be at the wedding. They would be running around spreading their germs. How is your sister going to handle that?
aita_emetophibiasis (OP)
There will be other kids at the wedding, but OCD isn’t rational. She’s fixated on my daughter because she’s the youngest kid that can walk, they have a close relationship, there’s a norovirus outbreak near us, and most importantly, she’s seen her vomit.
She’s been around my daughter numerous times in person; it’s this specific instance of her vomiting that triggered her. Whether she reacts to the other kids at the wedding remains to be seen. Right now, she’s not as worried about them.
Adventurous-Day7469
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These responses are insane. If you want your daughter to attend, then take her. Your sister needs to adjust and act accordingly. If kids are invited, your daughter might be one of several children there. Are all the guests with children going to be manipulated by your sister into not bringing their kids? It’s ridiculous to ask you to exclude your child from a family event.
Four days later, the OP returned with an updated.
A LOT has happened since, and I wouldn’t say that all that has happened has been productive. In my initial thread, I had made a decision to tell my sister I won’t bring my daughter.
During the convo, I told her that this would be the only time, because I didn’t want our daughter to end up like we did dealing with our OCD father. My sister seemed to take this to heart. I also asked if she talked to her therapist. She said no, because she was afraid the therapist would tell her something she wasn’t ready to hear.
I know I may get hate for this, but I amended my offer. I told her she has to tell her therapist about this during their next session and get her opinion and support before I exclude my daughter.
I made this choice because I don’t think it’s healthy for her to keep things from her therapist. If her therapist agreed with her, then I wouldn’t fight it. But it if was potentially enabling, I did not want to impact her care by reinforcing anything that could cause later harm.
So, my sister talked to her therapist. Apparently her therapist told her she can’t dictate a guest list as a coping mechanism and that’s not sustainable, and told her to seek coping mechanisms that won’t require others to change behavior.
Before telling me what her therapist said, my sister ended up going to the bride directly and asking if she could wear a mask and be seated away from my daughter during the ceremony, and leave after the ceremony.
This caused some conflict between my sister and the bride didn’t want the mask in the pictures and was upset she was leaving so soon. They compromised and agreed that she’ll take her mask off for pictures.
My sister texts me that I can bring my daughter. In the background, before my sister’s text, I was prepping my daughter not to go and setting up some fun time with her grandparents.
After my sister’s text, my cousin ends up calling me and discussing how annoyed she is about the mask, and how she didn’t make my sister a bridesmaid because she has limitations… I ask her if it would just be easier for me to not bring my daughter. She gave the vibe that this would be her preference instead of my sister wearing a mask.
Then, I text my sister my daughter isn’t coming and while I don’t tell her it’s due to my cousin’s request, she goes on a rant about how my cousin will not accommodate her and admits she came to me because she knew my cousin wouldn’t accommodate her.
Apparently, my cousin was already annoyed that she planned not to eat at the wedding unless she could bring her own food. My sister thinks excluding a person is more unreasonable than a slight modification to the dress code due to a health issue, and while I agree more with my sister than my cousin (my sister does always go out on a limb for her), I’m not the bride and I don’t want to be in the middle of this.
She said my daughter going will actually be healthier for her since it’s partial exposure therapy, but she needs the mask as an aide. At this point, I’m tired of the back and forth and want it to stop as it’s all happened within the same day.
I tell my sister my daughter won’t come and will go to the aquarium instead, and that a wedding is not a venue for exposure therapy. I just didn’t want either my cousin nor my sister to change their mind again.
Next week is the wedding, and at this point I don’t know if my sister will still get ready with my cousin. It sucks that their relationship is breaking down over this, and my relationship with both of them is kind of affected because I feel like my daughter and I were being pulled back and forth in the middle.
In happier news, I asked my daughter if she rather go to the party (what we’re calling the wedding with her) or the aquarium with Nana & Gramps. She chose the aquarium on the condition that she gets cake which was her sole motivator for going to the wedding. So at least someone is happy.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Owenashi
Well, glad to see your daughter’s got the day she wanted out of all of this. I’m also glad your sister’s seeing a reasonable therapist and yeah, she won’t get the help she needs from them if she’s keeping issues like this quiet.
As for your cousin, I can’t really blame her for feeling the way she does. Her annoyance at your sister might be the sort of thing the latter actually needs more of to help her stick to therapy.
It’s totally reasonable to make allowances for guests attending the wedding but said guest asking certain people to not come due to the sort of reason your sister gave is a stretch too far.
Truebeliever-14
I feel sorry for your sister but her therapist is right that expecting everyone to change their behavior to make her comfortable isn’t sustainable.
Boobookittyfhk
I really feel for your sister, but she needs to realize that she is putting a lot of emotional baggage and dumping her trauma on other people. She’s making everybody else responsible for her own comfort. Her therapist is right.
I think you made the right choice by stepping back and laying things just play out naturally. Hopefully your sister will look back on this day and realize the effect that she had on others.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
