“AITA for leaving my husband without telling him after he accused me of financial mismanagement and took control of our money?”
Sorry this is going to be a long one. I (45F) have been married to my husband, “Aubrey” not his real name (45M), for 22 years. I’m disabled due to a nerve disease and have been financially supported by him for the last 15–20 years while I’ve repeatedly tried (and failed) to get approved for disability benefits.
I want to clarify a couple of things while my husband was the primary bread winner I did work on and off when I could depending on my disability. I did not start applying for disability until about 3 years ago when all of a sudden my husband wanted to live a richer lifestyle and made me feel like I had no other choice.
I did not want to be a leech on the system if he could easily support us and what use to be our normal lifestyle. Our relationship didn’t start in a healthy place. Before we married, we were briefly in a three-person relationship with another woman. It was a disaster. At the time, I had very low self-esteem and tolerated things I shouldn’t have.
After a major fight, both Aubrey and the other woman ended up in jail. I bailed him out, and not long after, we got married informally in our living room. Update This only meant no church or family we have a marriage license and our legally married wedding. There was no wedding and no planning—just survival.
Years later, Aubrey violated probation, and we fled to another state together. I’m not proud of this, but I’m sharing it to show how much control he had over me and how little I valued myself back then.
For many years, we lived on very little and I believed we were happy enough. About five years ago, things began to change. Aubrey started making significantly more money—around $100k a year in tech—and we bought a modest house that we co-own. Around that time, he began becoming increasingly controlling about money.
At first it was subtle comments about purchases or suggestions that I not buy certain things. Over the next several years, this escalated into repeated questioning about why the credit card wasn’t paid to zero every month and where “all the money went.”
This was especially confusing because I’m the frugal one. I handle all the bills and have never paid anything late. Aubrey, on the other hand, enjoys tech gadgets and expensive purchases.
As his income increased, so did his spending—vacations, upgrades, and various “toys.” Eventually, about $20,000 accumulated on a credit card. Suddenly, he blamed me entirely and accused me of mismanaging our finances.
I barely spend money on myself—maybe a digital book, a jigsaw puzzle, or a small thoughtful gift. I suggested that after tax season I could pay the card down if we both cut back on spending, but only I was expected to make changes.
By February, I had largely paid the card down. Around this same time, I finally received proper mental health care and medication that actually helped. As my mental health improved, I began seeing our situation more clearly. By November, I realized I was living under constant surveillance.
Aubrey was monitoring nearly every aspect of my life. He read my text messages through our shared phone app, tracked my movements through “security” cameras, and closely watched our bank accounts, credit cards, Amazon purchases, and even my Kindle activity.
He questioned every purchase, including small digital items like books and puzzles. Any time I withdrew cash, I was required to explain exactly what it was for.
Most of my cash withdrawals were for medical marijuana, which he also uses and prefers the more expensive kind. Despite that, he decided I was taking “too much” cash and told me to stop withdrawing it altogether. When I didn’t comply, he demanded that I give him half of whatever I withdrew because it was “his money too.”
On January 1st, I withdrew some cash, went to the dispensary, and then went home with my best friend to work on a jigsaw puzzle. While we were puzzling, Aubrey came home and, in front of my friend, demanded $100 as “his fair share” of the cash I had withdrawn. When I refused, he threatened to open a new bank account and redirect his paycheck so I would have no access to money.
That was the moment I knew I had to leave. The next day, my best friend helped me quietly move as many personal belongings as possible to her apartment. I bought basic necessities and withdrew $800 so I could survive short-term. When Aubrey came home and realized I had left, he went nuclear.
Before he removed my access to the security camera app, I saw him carrying a set of new locks into the house that we co-own. He later drained our savings and moved the money somewhere unknown to me. He also shut down both of my credit cards. Knowing I had no income, I withdrew another $800 to survive, but I deliberately left $3,200 in the account to cover scheduled autopay bills.
Despite this, he drained and closed the checking account entirely. He then accused me of overdrafting it, which the bank later confirmed never happened. He claimed to have “proof,” but the bank told me this was impossible. He also removed his phone from our shared plan, leaving me responsible for a bill covering two phones, and threatened not to include me on his health insurance.
A few days later, we met with a mutual friend and my best friend in an attempt to discuss separation, therapy, and temporary financial support. Aubrey cried dramatically throughout the beginning of the meeting. However, when it was my turn to speak, the tears stopped instantly and he became angry. During that meeting, he admitted that he had changed the locks on our shared home.
He refused both couples therapy and individual therapy, saying it was too expensive. He claimed he couldn’t support me financially because our finances were “a mess,” repeated the false overdraft accusation, and stated that we had two maxed-out credit cards, which was not true unless he did so after I left.
After the meeting, he texted me saying that insurance doesn’t cover couples therapy, which I had already verified was false. He also questioned whether therapy was even worth pursuing because I appeared “cold” during the meeting. I didn’t cry. I no longer give him access to my emotions.
I’m currently staying with my best friend, trying to find a therapist, and dealing with continued lies, gaslighting, and financial threats.
So…AITA for leaving without telling him?
This is what people had to say to OP:
EfficientDismal said:
NTA for the moment a therapist is far less important than a lawyer.
Take everything you have written here, write it out in a timeline and get a free consultation from a lawyer in town. They will be champing at the bit to take this guy down.
mory99 said:
NTA. You didnt just leave, you executed an emergency exit from a 22-year situation that involved documented legal/probation issues, complete financial control, and likely significant emotional mistreatment. Accusing a disabled spouse of mismanagement while seizing control of all funds is textbook financial abuse and isolating behavior.
You are not the AH for prioritizing your survival and escape, even if the exit wasnt polite. Your immediate next step needs to be contacting legal aid or a domestic abuse hotline to secure your finances and safety before Aubrey has a chance to follow or escalate legally. Protect yourself.
TreasonousWitch said:
NTA, that was so smart of you and possibly could have saved yourself from DV. Leaving an abuser can be incredibly dangerous. Get a lawyer that can help you with the house you co-own and hopefully, your divorce. Hope things get better for you now that you’re out
In the comments, OP added this update:
I have gotten a lawyer. I started contacting them the second day after I left. The first was not a good day to talk to anyone or do anything. At this point it almost feels like the only smart thing I have done. He really tried pushing us settling between just us. He would be fair and wanted to do it amicably. I knew that was bull****.
