“AITA for feeling betrayed by my wife for keeping a major secret years into our marriage?”
I (34M) met my wife (33F) about ten years ago. From the very beginning, I knew she was special. We clicked instantly—same sense of humor, same life goals (or so I thought)—and just an overwhelming feeling of this is the person I want to build a life with.
As we dated, I made it very clear that I’ve always wanted a family. I wasn’t pushy about it, but I talked about how I looked forward to being a dad one day, how I wanted to raise kids, and how I hoped to create a loving home together. She never gave any indication that she didn’t want that too. She would smile, nod, and sometimes even talk about what kind of parent she thought she’d be.
Fast forward a few years—we get married. It was the happiest day of my life. I loved this woman with my whole heart, and I truly believed we were on the same page about everything that mattered.
Then, a few years into our marriage, we started talking more seriously about trying for kids. That’s when she finally dropped the bombshell—she has known since before we even met that she has a medical condition that makes it impossible for her to conceive. Not unlikely. Not difficult. Impossible.
I was stunned. It wasn’t just that she couldn’t have kids—it was that she knew all along and never told me. Not when we were dating. Not when I expressed, over and over, how much I wanted children. Not before we got married.
When I asked her why she never told me, she just said she “didn’t want to lose me” and hoped that by the time we got to this point, I would love her enough that it wouldn’t matter. She also admitted that she was scared I would leave if I knew.
And now? I don’t even know how to feel. I love her—I loved her. But I can’t shake this overwhelming feeling of betrayal. This wasn’t some small omission. She took away my ability to make an informed decision about my future. She knew this was a dealbreaker for me and just…lied by omission. I feel trapped. I feel cheated. And worst of all, I don’t know what to do next.
Here are the top rated comments from readers.
onebadimpala68 says:
She only cared about protecting herself and you should now do the same.
DavoBoy_887 OP:
I see where you’re coming from, and I can appreciate the point you’re making about self-protection. I do think there’s a possibility that she genuinely thought she wouldn’t have to face this issue or that it might change, especially if her diagnosis wasn’t entirely clear.
I still don’t have a clear perspective on what might or might not be biologically possible with her condition—whether it’s something she could have managed or if her doctors gave her a definitive answer. But the fact remains that she chose not to share this with me when she knew how important it was to me.
I get that she might have been scared or uncertain, but it feels like she was more focused on protecting herself than on being open with me. Now, I’m stuck in this position where I don’t know if I can rebuild trust or move forward without feeling like I’ve been kept in the dark about something so crucial. It’s just really hard to process all of this.
Agoraphobe961 says:
NTA. Even if you had loved her enough it wouldn’t matter, she has completely misrepresented the person you fell in love with. Not just about the kids but that she could carry on a multi-year lie without batting an eyelash. What else is she lying about?
SummerTimeRedSea says:
NTA you will never forget, she is completely selfish, she manipulated you just for her wants. Do you see yourself without children who was a dealbreaker for someone who completely disregarded your feeling ? She never thought about you so please do it for yourself you are still young.
Ok_Ambassador3132 says:
She’s a liar. Period.
OP added in the comments:
I get why people are skeptical, but this is a real situation I’m dealing with. I worded some parts vaguely, which might have made it seem off, but I’m just trying to process everything and figure out what to do next. If I wanted some fake drama, I wouldn’t be here stressing over my marriage. Believe it or don’t, but I came here looking for real advice.
I’ve seen a lot of replies saying I should leave her, and honestly, part of me agrees. I feel completely betrayed, and trust is such a big deal to me. But I also don’t want to condemn her for something she couldn’t control—her medical condition. The issue is more that she never really talked about wanting to have kids either.
It’s not just about the kids, it’s about the fact that she hid something so important from me. I care about her deeply, but I don’t know if I can move past this. I’m leaning toward leaving because I’m struggling to see how we rebuild trust after this.
