Should I confront my in-laws even if my husband asked me not to? AITA?”
My husband is one of three adult children. He has an older sister and a younger brother but as his sister is a bit flaky, he’s considered the responsible one. We have two older teens and a dog, who is chilled. My in-laws also have a dog – a yappy, obnoxious pain-in-the-butt dog who has weird habits and is getting worse in his old age.
It has always been the case that the in-laws look after our dog on our one 2 week holiday and the odd few days here and there. We reciprocate and all has been fine. Recently, the in-laws has been going on 4 or 5 week-long holidays a year and as the dog is a pain, it’s starting to become unmanageable.
My husband works from home and the dog barks at everything – the postman, the wind, passersby and it’s starting to affect his online meetings. Their family is very non-confrontational and my husband decided to speak to them when they asked if we’d watch the dog for yet another extended holiday. He said ‘can you ask one of my siblings to split the time with us?’
When speaking to younger brother, he said he wasn’t asked and he’d struggle because of his young child. Not sure if flaky sister had been asked but it would be possible for them as they have four adults and a teen in that house.
When husband spoke to his mum today to ask if they’d spoken to siblings, her response was ‘flaky sister couldn’t watch the dog because they work. Brother will struggle with toddler child.’
My issue is they haven’t asked the siblings at all and completely disregarded my husband’s request. It’s as though his work doesn’t matter. He said we’ll have to do it because they look after our dog. I have said that I would speak to them about it next time we see them. He has asked me not to because it’s not worth it and he doesn’t want to rock the boat.
This is one small issue in a whole host of inconsistency, favouritism and generally poor parenting from his parents. AITA if I explain that it’s getting very difficult for us to do it so frequently, especially when the dog is so unruly?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
clambrocluese wrote:
YTA. Only for going behind his back. Talk to him, tell him if he doesn’t tell them you will. Give him the information instead of going about it in a way that will cause strife between you. If it causes a disagreement then that is what it is but going in without warning him will be even worse. People in this sub really need to learn to talk to their partners.
Recordingno7280 wrote:
NTA. The issue here is that you are expecting them to care for your dog so you’re at a disadvantage if you refuse to care for theirs. I think that the best solution is to find a friend or paid doggie care worker to help care for your dog and then have a sit down conversation that they need to find their own dog care going forward because it’s jeopardizing your husband’s job.
If they can’t afford it, then they can cut back on the number of their vacations or ask their other kids to help with the cost since you’ve been providing two weeks care per year for free until now. Some counseling for your husband might help if he’s struggling with saying no and family obligations.
SafetyFluid8535 wrote:
NTA but be ready to hire a dog sitter or board your dog from now on. You’re effected by this as much as your husband is. While it’s expected that older couples will travel more in retirement that needs to include paying someone to care for their dog instead of dumping it on you for extended periods of time.
Advanced_Sea2222 wrote:
No, you should not, that would make YTA, although I fully understand your desire to do so. Your husband has obviously lived this way, non-confrontational with his family, his whole life this far, he isn’t going to suddenly change. What you really need to do is research ways to handle a small, yappy dog.
Since your husband works from home, the dog needs to be confined during his calls and meetings. What that looks like is up to you. Maybe put the dog in a kennell with a dark cloth wrapped over it and his favorite toy or bone to chew on, during those important meetings. Maybe put out in the backyard with a water bowl and a new toy. Whatever fits your situation best.
Your husband also needs to understand that where his job and career are concerned, he needs to grow up and deal with it, especially with his parents, because they can’t get him another job if he loses this one because of his parent’s dog! And that if he loses his job, it’s your life and your son’s life that will be negatively impacted as well, so he doesn’t have the luxury of putting up with it anymore.
Impressive_Rush5018 wrote:
NTA, but his family, his issue. If he has asked you not to say anything, don’t say anything. Tell hubby that he will need to figure out what to do with the dog during his meetings, but that you will respect his wishes not to talk to his parents. But in this case, he will no longer be allowed to complain about it to you since he has basically bound your hands from doing anything to fix it.
SwirlyFlurry wrote:
YTA. It’s your husband’s issue, his job being affected, his family that is asking favors and playing favorites. And he has specifically asked you not to confront them. If you turn this into a confrontation anyway even after he has asked you not to, you are an AH.
