“AITA for ‘shaming’ my sister-in-law even though she’s incapable of being ashamed?”
A couple of years ago, my brother met his now wife Susan (33F) and started bringing her to our events. Our family has a cabin that we use every year for a one-week family vacation. It used to be just our parents, my husband and me, and my brother. For the last two years, Susan has also joined us. This year, I refuse to go if Susan is present, and since my parents want me there, she is no longer invited.
Now for why I don’t want Susan to come with us. The short answer is that she is disgusting. She has no basic hygiene, and every vacation with her has been a nightmare because she does not act like a normal adult. Here are some examples.
- She stinks. Plain and simple. I have no idea how my brother can tolerate it, but the rest of us have a hard time being around her. The reason she smells is because she refuses to use deodorant.
- She uses other people’s belongings without asking and doesn’t tell anyone afterward. Last year, I left our towels out in the sun to dry after our morning showers. Around noon, I went to collect them and noticed one was soaking wet. That made no sense since it had been drying in the sun for hours.
When I asked if anyone knew what happened, Susan said she had taken a shower and used it. I don’t share towels with anyone but my husband, so I threw it out. She acted offended that I tossed it and said there was no need to treat her like she had the plague. I told her there is also no need to use my towel without asking. I don’t care what her situation is. It’s not okay to take things that don’t belong to you.
- She does not clean the toilet after using it. We have all walked into the bathroom and found poop or [bodily fluids] left behind. She also throws used tampons into the bin without wrapping them. Her excuse every time is “I forgot.”
- I have seen her on multiple ocassions drink juice and milk straight from the bottle. She seems to forget that no one wants to share saliva with her, and that this habit is just gross.
- She uses her bare hands to mix ingredients without washing them. One time she made a salad by mixing everything in the bowl with her dirty hands.
When we talked to my brother about all of this, he always made excuses for her. He says she has autism and that she grew up poor, so we should be more understanding. I am not. Growing up poor is not an excuse to be unhygienic. Neither poverty nor autism explains why someone can’t clean a toilet, especially when a brush is sitting right there for that exact purpose.
I guess my brother told her why she isn’t invited this year, because she confronted me and cried that I was shaming her. I told her that if, at her age, she still feels no shame about her own behavior, then nothing I say is going to make a difference. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
orbitalchild
Wait you threw away a towel because someone else used it? Have you never heard of a washing machine?
JobOk8941 OP:
Yes, I did. We are talking about a big, body towel, not the one used for your hands. I don’t care about any washing machines, I will not use a towel that has touched the private parts of another person (especially a dirty one) not even after 10 washes.
orbitalchild
I know what kind of towel you’re talking about. Still ridiculous.
JobOk8941 OP:
I don’t honestly care about what you think about my hygiene. You can share your toothbrush for all I care, it’s not my problem.
orbitalchild
You obviously do care or you wouldn’t keep arguing with me. Besides it’s not about your hygiene just your ridiculous Behavior. Not saying that you’re brother’s wife is any better but y’all are two sides of the same coin.
JobOk8941 OP:
I am not arguing with you simply because I have the capacity to understand that hygiene standards are different for everyone. The only one who can’t seem to accept it is you which is kind of funny to be honest. You don’t get to police what I consider clean or dirty and you get no say in what other people decide to use on their body. So I am just pointing out that you are funny, that’s it.
LycheeOk312 says:
NTA. She is not disgusting because she grew up poor or because she has autism. She is just the type of person who lacks respect for the people around her and then blames it on her condition or upbringing.
Undeadpyroninjalover says:
NTA, my sister, was autistic, God rest her soul, and she showered every day, used deodorant, cleaned up after herself. There is no excuse for being disgusting.
Sad-Grade-3078 says:
Why did he marry this woman?
Distinct-Ask-4186 says:
That’s beyond inconsiderate, it’s straight up disrespectful. Using someone’s towel and not even apologizing? I’d lose it.
Thecardinal74
YTA for making a show out of throwing a towel in the trash because she used it instead of throwing it in the laundry.
NTA for the rest of this
JobOk8941 OP:
I had no reason to throw it in the laundry because I don’t share my towels with anyone except of my husband.
OP added this in the comments:
According to my brother she has a hard time remembering to do things. I honestly have a hard time understanding how can you look at the toilet you just used, see it is dirty and instantly forget you are supposed to clean it…
In response to a question OP added this:
Why should anyone have to teach an adult person basic things? She was explained everything there is to know, she was asked to clean after herself, she was showed where everything is stored, how she can use it, why etc. At this point it is really ridiculous honestly.
No one will draw pictures to explain to a 30 years old you are not supposed to eat your buggers…If someone asks you multiple times “please clean this toilet seat because look how you left it”, what is there to explain more? We told her graphically “Susan, when I am using the toilet I can’t sit on your [bodily fluids]. It is unsanitary, it is disgusting”. What is there to explain more?
The next day OP posted this update:
After yesterday, I was left with mixed feelings. On one hand, I’m happy there are still normal people around who value being clean and sanitary. On the other hand, I was sad to see how many nasty people are out there.
Someone put it perfectly, saying that shame needs to make a comeback. Maybe if people actually felt shame, they would start acting like normal adults and stop expecting the rest of society to tolerate their disgusting habits.
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To go online as an adult and argue that a 33-year-old woman needs to be shown and explained the basics of cleaning a toilet seat after making a mess is unreal. Just a personal thought, but I’ll share it here.
Not everyone learns everything at home or grows up with a strong sense of social norms, but each of us is responsible for educating ourselves if we missed that early on. Your parents may not have taught you why hygiene matters, but as an adult, you have every resource available to learn.
If you have a phone and internet access to waste time writing nonsense on Reddit, then you also have the tools to look up how to manage your period, use sanitary products, or clean up after yourself.
That being said, my family and I are leaving tomorrow to go to the cabin. My brother will join us, but Susan will not. He will probably give us more details over the next few days, but I think he is just tired of his wife and her inability to act like a decent human being.
It is sad, and he is also to blame for not putting a stop to her gross habits sooner. But for the first time in two years, we will get to enjoy our family vacation. My parents will have both of his kids with them, and no one will be stressed, disgusted, or cleaning up after a grown woman.
For those who still do not understand why my husband is invited and my brother’s wife is not, it is because my husband is not disgusting. He did not leave [bodily fluids] on a toilet seat, making my father so grossed out that he stormed out to pee in the yard because he could not stand using his own bathroom at his own cabin. I hope that clears up the absurd question. And if anyone needs more graphic detail, I can provide it.
To those who want to cry about how unfair it is that Susan is being excluded, tough luck. That is life. If you cannot follow basic rules of decency, society will exclude you. No one owes you anything. And no, this does not come from a place of hate, even if immature people want to believe that. It comes from a place of valuing boundaries and comfort.
And one last thing, I promise that on this trip, I am not throwing any towels away. Since that seemed to be such a triggering topic for some of you, rest assured. The towels are safe with me, I swear.
What do you think?
