“AITA if I bring my daughter to my cousin’s wedding, preventing my sister from going?”
I want to be as fair as possible because I myself am torn on the right decision to make. My sister has a debilitating fear of vomiting. Our family has a history with OCD, and when she was in middle school, she had gotten incredibly sick with e.Coli and was hospitalized for two weeks.
During this time, she had frequent vomiting and got moderate esophageal damage from vomiting, which caused her pain for months and some complications afterwards.Since then, she’s altered her life to ensure she never vomits again due to her trauma. She sticks to eating only bland foods, will not eat any food she hasn’t prepared herself, doesn’t drink or take any medication that can cause vomiting, and obsessively checks news alerts for salmonella, e.coli, or stomach virus outbreaks.
This isn’t a mild dislike or phobia- she has quit a job and lost relationships over her obsession. There is no world where she can just “suck it up”, even for a few hours.A few months ago at my mom’s birthday gathering, my sister’s fear extended to my daughter. She seemed normal before we took her to my parents’, however, she vomited on the couch.
My sister screamed and immediately got up and left. My daughter asked about why her aunt left without saying goodbye, and felt bad that her vomiting scared her. I was pretty upset with my sister after that for hurting my daughter’s feelings, but they resolved it on FacetTime.Since then, she has avoided my daughter in person, although she still calls her and sends her gifts. This incident did cause her to seek treatment however, and she’s been in therapy for a couple of months.
My cousin is getting married on Valentine’s Day, and my sister called me today saying she doesn’t think she can attend if my daughter attends. She’s been tracking the stomach flu in our area and apparently there’s a mild outbreak, and she’s convinced my daughter will get it at daycare.She was really emotional on the phone, crying profusely and saying she knows her OCD is a problem she needs to fix it and she loves my daughter to death, but she can’t fix it in time for the wedding. She’s also really close to this cousin and was set to help her get ready, so not going will devestate her and upset the bride.
I asked her about whether she’s afraid other guests will get her sick, and she just said it’s easier to avoid physical contact with adults and my daughter will run right up to her.I told her I’ll control my daughter, but that wasn’t good enough for her because children touch everything. I told her that if my daughter gets sick, we won’t take her, but she pointed out that last time we didn’t realize she was sick.
I love my sister, but I also love my daughter and I don’t think my daughter should be removed from family gatherings l because she got sick one time. And while I know my sister can’t fix her mental health overnight, she’s known for years she needs treatment and hasn’t gotten it until recently. I’m just skeptical that this won’t lead to further exclusion for my daughter.
My daughter is 3; I know she won’t care about not attending the wedding if we distract her with something more fun. I know securing child care won’t be that difficult (husband’s parents).But it’s the principle of having to change our plans to accommodate her illness that she’s known about for years and hasn’t taken steps towards alleviating. I told my sister I’ll think about it, but I’m honestly torn. AITA if I say no to her request to leave my daughter behind, which is what I’m leaning towards?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Worldly-Advisor7201
NTA but consider the bride. Would she rather spend the day with your sister whom she’s close with or a 3 year old? Sorry about the tough situation it’s certainly not fair to you.
aita_emetophibiasis (OP)
Yeah, it’s a great point. My cousin would be really sad if my sister didn’t come.
Kerrytwo
Yeah, the nice thing to do here would be not to bring your daughter. I was ready to tell you to bring your daughter and let your sister deal, but given how young your daughter is, and that your cousin would likely prefer your sister to attend I’d be inclined to go with your sister this time.
I’d definitely watch and make sure it’s not an ongoing expectation, though. At the end of the day it’s something your sister needs to work on. Hope you’re okay, dealing with this must be very upsetting on lots of angles.
aita_emetophibiasis (OP)
It sucks because I love everyone involved and don’t want to cause pain. I admit I’m a little sensitive to my daughter worrying about triggering my sister because of how my siblings and I were made to feel about our father’s OCD (very different compulsions, but we always walked on eggshells). I don’t want that future for her, but I can talk to my sister about how to mitigate that in the future and let her enjoy this event.
Public-Ad-9827
If you have child care with your in-laws, use it. Not just for your sister, but as a favor to yourselves to attend as a couple and to the bride/groom. 3 year olds are notorious for getting bored and acting out at weddings and receptions. I know you, like all other parents, would argue YOUR child would not be disruptive, but you’re only kidding yourself. NTA.
Altruistic-Bunny
Just wondering if any other kids will be at the wedding. They would be running around spreading their germs. How is your sister going to handle that?
aita_emetophibiasis (OP)
There will be other kids at the wedding, but OCD isn’t rational. She’s fixated on my daughter because she’s the youngest kid that can walk, they have a close relationship, there’s a norovirus outbreak near us, and most importantly, she’s seen her vomit.
She’s been around my daughter numerous times in person; it’s this specific instance of her vomiting that triggered her. Whether she reacts to the other kids at the wedding remains to be seen. Right now, she’s not as worried about them.
Adventurous-Day7469
These responses are insane. If you want your daughter to attend, then take her. Your sister needs to adjust and act accordingly. If kids are invited, your daughter might be one of several children there. Are all the guests with children going to be manipulated by your sister into not bringing their kids? It’s ridiculous to ask you to exclude your child from a family event.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
