“Am I (M30) valid for wanting to leave my partner (F28) of 8 years, after she admitted ‘intense feelings and attraction’ for a coworker?”
First time posting here, need some advice from strangers as I cannot discuss this topic with the person I usually confide in, which will make sense as the story unfolds. My partner and I have been together for 8 years, we started off as FWB, as I had gotten out of a prior relationship, and she’s never wanted to be in a relationship, but the more we continued to “see each other.”
The feelings began to develop which led to us dating and being exclusive. Unfortunately in my younger years and early into our relationship, I cheated. My partner would never have found out, but with the guilt of what I did, I confessed. It hurt her and obviously caused distrust and anger, although we stayed together and worked through it.
We’ve had other ups and downs but we’ve also tried going to therapy, which she decided wasn’t working for her. So here we are this weekend, in bed having a morning chat and the discussion starts with her telling me her friend who has been overseas, has come home for the holidays and is going back today.
She then tells me that early on when we were FWB, that this friend came to have a threesome with us, which I assumed was a double date and decided to invite a friend. We laugh about how I fumbled a threesome, but then it led to conversation about me “missing” or passing on so many opportunities to sleep with other people and that shes never been this long with only one guy…
I’ve always been in a relationship since school, she’s never been.
We both aren’t 10/10 looks wise but I have a certain charm (I’ve been told) and she has incredible s** appeal with her eyes and smile. needless to say, she’s been able to explore, whereas I haven’t.
I’ve turned down countless amount of women and situations, probably x5 more than women I’ve actually slept with. We are reaching the point where we plan on getting married and having kids, we do not live together but that was the plan.
So our discussion continues, and she says “would you not want to explore other woman and s**ual things before we get married?” to which I respond that it would be interesting but who knows how you would handle if it was to happen, and vice versa where she gets to be with someone before we settle down.
We are both quite open to the idea but with rules, her rule is that it cant be anybody from my past and my rule is that it cant be anybody I know or from our community. Then….
The conversation continues with hypotheticals and all, then she asks me, “Have you ever had an intense feeling or attraction to someone but you’ve never done anything”, which caught me by surprised, but because we were throwing hypothetical questions about, she tried to play it off as a hypothetical, but that didn’t fit the topic as it was meant to be solely “s** exploration.”
So I pressed her more about what she was getting at, then she admitted that at her work (she was an intern, hoping to become permanent), there was this guy that she felt this way about and only found out that he felt the same once her internship ended. This guy happens to be the Husband of my sister-in-law’s best friend. This guy was at my house for my nieces birthday party as their kids are the same age.
She said she couldn’t explain it but whenever they caught eye contact she could feel this INTENSE FEELING and ATTRACTION that she wanted him and he wanted her but the couldn’t and never acted on it. I was so baffled by what intense meant, because I’ve only ever felt that way by being intimate with my partners.
She said she couldn’t explain it without being “spiritual”, which at that point I became hurt asked if she ever felt that with me, to which she said no. Needless to say I felt like absolute shit. Despite me cheating in my earlier years, I’ve never felt feeling like that for anybody else, and I felt really envious of that.
Also if it wasn’t obvious, this was the man she wanted to hook up with since finding out by a different coworker that the guy she had feelings for, reciprocated it. I cant shake the fact that the girl I was planning to spend the rest of my life with, had this INTENSE FEELING AND ATTRACTION to someone else.
I cannot discuss the topic with my brother who I usually confide in, because my sister-in-law’s best friend’s husband is willing to cheat on her with my girlfriend. So am I valid for wanting to leave, after all the years of trying or do I stay and try to work through it as she swears that nothing physical ever came from it?
All be it that it was probably because she assumed he didn’t feel the same, or he was married, or he was her senior, or that they couldn’t be inappropriate in the workplace, who knows, but I do know that he has given her a lift home on one or two occasions.
Edit update: Her feelings were two years ago, she only recently found out by a different coworker that the guy reciprocated the feelings she had, so yea seems the feelings were always there. Thanks for the feedback this far.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Binarypirate wrote:
This is done and cooked buddy. Honestly the therapy didn’t work for her, for your cheating, and while she “forgave” you she remembers and its there in the back of her mind…also she seems to be slowly trying to get you to “open” the relationship even if only for a time…like you mentioned she was never really monogamous while you were, barring your cheating…
Just so many red flags in that conversation you two had….even from you tbh with maybe being open to exploring if only with rules…if you two try ENM this will 100% have a bad ending and likely will have one now anyways. I think it time to leave buddy before you two wake up married at 40 and unhappy or with a dead bedroom.
bijfam23113 wrote:
Yeah you’re valid, she felt something for him she never felt with you in 8 years. she was probably fishing for permission. you already worked through your mistake, trust your gut and leave.
MIGHTYSD69 wrote:
You’re only finding out this after 8 years? Sounds like she would do this other guy as soon as she had permission. Definitely don’t marry her. He gave her a lift home on two occasions yikes. Of course she swears nothing ever happened but you’ll never know for sure if it didn’t. You’re valid to walk away. And you should!
Ok_Banana5958 wrote:
She isn’t ready for marriage and I can’t understand not getting the ick from the idea of someone married with a kid wanting to cheat. What she said was also hurtful to you and that’s what you probably can’t get past – it’s like you two happened but she didn’t really fall for you in that way that you did for her.
10, 20 years from now that’s going to still be in the room with the two of you and it’s just going to be a resentment that grows. Even though therapy didn’t work for her it might help you a lot right now
wise_investigator_282 wrote:
This story gets the bad ending 99% of the time. Any time your partner gets “worried” that you haven’t had enough partners it’s almost certainly because they are thinking of straying. Unless you are enthusiastic about an open marriage she probably isn’t the one. If you ARE enthusiastic about ENM, you should probably be asking an ENM forum.
People are attracted to other people all the time. That’s normal and natural. A good monogamous partner puts it back down and foes back to their partner. But also, you cheated, so what the hell, maybe you’re made for each other.
