“AITA for not serving stepkids dinner and ‘ruining it’ for everyone?”
My (30f) partner (45m) have been together for just over a year. We have known each other for about 3 years total. We currently live together (moved in early as my lease was up, although it was too early for both of us, we decided that’s ultimately that’s where we wanted the relationship to go) we are a blended family of 5 kids.
We have recently gone camping where his kids (16,14,12) met a group of 18yr old boys. His youngest daughters wanted to go hangout with the new group of boys at night. The boys had been drinking (legal here) and were drunk when they left our camp site.
My partner said no & was met with attitude, so I stepped in, said it was inappropriate for underage girls to be with adult men who had been drinking. I offered to go to their campsite with them – they said no.
Normally I wouldn’t put my 2 cents in, very much NACHO when it comes to each other’s kids, but they were giving their dad such bad attitude and we were just trying to enjoy our bonfire.
Well, the girls turned on me, full yelling, name calling, being totally disrespectful. My partner said nothing, I went to bed pissed off. I was only looking out for them/having my man’s back and didn’t deserve that.
For the next 2 days, on a couple different occasions my partner and I talked about the issue – he said I should just move on and forget about it. I explained to him that I felt completely disrespected and name calling is never ok, especially from children.
I explained that I feel uncomfortable cooking, cleaning, and providing for people who call me names and talk to me with such piss poor attitude when I’m only looking out for them. I was done doing these things for them until an apology was in order – I made that perfectly clear.
They had been at their moms until last night. Last night I cooked a lamb roast, heaps of veggies and the works as it was his son’s 16th birthday. Throughout the day I asked what the plan was with the girls and reminded him that I’m not cooking/cleaning for them…he said nothing.
Well dinner time comes, and we’re all in the kitchen, I told the girls “like you said on Saturday ‘I’m not your mother’ so it’s not my job to put food on the table for you. I don’t do favors for people who talk with such disrespect” – all hell broke loose. His daughters started screaming, cursing and asking why I’m still here and that I should leave.
My partner said that I’ve now upset his kids and picked a fight at dinner, ruining it for everyone. He didn’t have my back at all. I ended up walking away, he ended up going to the opposite side of the house with his kids and I went to the other end with mine.
This morning we haven’t spoken a word but there is tons of tension in the house. I didn’t think I was the AH for standing my ground about the disrespect while camping but maybe I am the AH for saying something at dinner. So, Am I the ahole?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Right_Cucumber5775 said:
You need to move out and find another place to live. You’ve moved in too soon. Your partner should have stopped all of the conflict a long time ago. This is a no-win situation.
frolicndetour said:
ESH, your partner for not having your back and the both of you for moving in together too soon. Guess what, if it was too early for you both as grown adults, it is too early for your kids. No wonder they are acting up.
You guys decided to spend their lives just because your lease was ending and then probably didn’t bother to even see if they were alright with it or provide counseling. You should have just moved or renewed your lease for another year. Yall are shitty parents who put your needs above your kids.
MuchTooBusy said:
ESH. First- at the campground, you should have let him handle the disrespect from his children himself, without stepping in. If you guys have a NACHO policy for your kids, don’t unilaterally change it.
Second- He needs to handle the discipline of his children. It sounds like he doesn’t, so that’s a huge red flag. He sucks. Third- the discussion with his children about the apology they owe you, which obviously they do, was handled in about the worst, most petty way possible.
And at a really terrible time. You ruined his son’s birthday! And it doesn’t sound like the son was at fault in any way!
CoolBabe06 said:
Honestly your partner should’ve had your back. If he’s gonna ignore the disrespect, that’s on him, not you. You setting limits is healthy, not ruining dinner.
PhDTARDIS said:
Wait, what? He’s calling you names? His kids are picking up on that and think it is okay. MOVE OUT NOW.
happy4clappy said:
NTA…although I wouldn’t have brought it up at a birthday dinner for the son. But also, get out of this relationship. You’re 30 and he’s 45. His kids don’t respect you and he doesn’t seem to either.
The next day OP posted this update in the comments:
Ok just a quick update to clear the air: The camping incident – the 14 and 12 year old wanted to go to the boys who they had been hanging out with all day- the dad said they’re not going alone. They had a bit of a whinge about it and weren’t too happy. I then offered to go with them but I also agreed with their dad, it wasn’t safe to go alone.
I was then told by the girls that I wasn’t their mother, to fuck off and stay out of it. Dad’s response turned to a direct no. They called him an asshole and started yelling.
I’ve asked them nicely to quiet down there’s other kids sleeping and to not talk to their dad in that way. That’s when they turned around and said again to stay out of it, that I’m a c*^t and need to know my place. Dad did nothing. I walked off.
In the morning while packing up I spoke to the dad and said it was completely unacceptable to be spoken to like that, because we were only looking out for them. He said nothing.
We drove two cars there, and the whole drive home I was thinking of how wildly disrespectful it was. I spoke with dad at home saying I wasn’t happy and I don’t feel comfortable doing anything for the girls cooking/cleaning/providing after being treated like that and I wasn’t doing anything until there was an apology in order. This is Sunday morning at this point.
He ended up doing their laundry and cleaning up their kitchen mess (something I normally would do) before we went to bed I reminded him I was serious about it.
Monday comes along, the kids return, dads knows I’m not doing shit so we take everyone out for lunch for birthday boy
After lunch the conversation about dinner comes up, I told him what I’ve already prepared (I do 95% of the cooking) but he will have to sort the girls out something to eat, there’s been no apology – I don’t think he’s had a word with them at all at this point.
Dinner is ready. I said what I said in the post above.
We had a conversation this morning (dad and I) – I said that he just gave the girls a green light to verbally attack and curse me out whenever they like, that he didn’t have my back at all after I had his.
I said that I wasn’t happy, that it’s clear he doesn’t respect me and neither do the kids. I told him I’m spending the night at a hotel and that I honestly don’t see a future if I’m going to be treated like a punching bag from them. I’ve had enough of the disrespect. Still nothing from the girls. Nothing from dad either. We have been out for hours.
A littler over a week later OP added this update in the comments:
Update: I left the house last week and haven’t been back to stay, but I have been back to collect a truck load of furniture, clothing, etc.
I have a few house viewings this week for a new rental , and have sorted a trailer for my larger furniture.
We are officially done – I have called things off due to the name calling. The kids name calling was the straw that broke the camel’s back. “Dad” knew this was a major boundary of mine, as we had gone through it before (he was doing the name calling) and I laid it out straight that it wouldn’t be tolerated. Well, I’ve stuck to my guns and I’m out.
I’m looking forward to having my own place and getting away from the drama.
This past week I have been able to focus at work and feel a lot more relaxed going “home” (hotel) afterwords than I ever did going back to his.
It was probably long overdue to leave, but I’m glad I followed through.
This will be my last update on this post.
Thank you to all those who have commented, I have read each reply.
