“AITA for not enjoying the birthday gifts my friend got me that mocked my dead mother?”
Hi, I’m posting this on a throwaway account due to some of the people involved use reddit. I’m re-writing this post because the one I initially wrote would have been too long, so I’m going to summarize the series of events as best as possible.
I (20F) lost my mother 8 months ago, suddenly. I have experience a wave of emotion as I had a weird relationship with my mother and a lot of unsaid things. I did not get to say goodbye to her which pains me every. single. day. I have a large group of friends, some from high school and some from uni, who have all supporting me tremendously.
One specific friend, Kayla, I met in uni. I would not consider her my best friend, but she has been such an amazing support to me throughout this whole situation with my mom. She always told me I could come to her for anything and would even pull me aside during social events to make sure I was doing okay.
Yesterday, my birthday, Kayla and a group of my other friends came over unannounced with party decorations, snacks, and even cake. After the emotional morning I had due to the dread I had for my birthday coming, this made me cry. I felt so seen and loved in this moment.
This lasted up until my friends brought gifts they had bought. I opened two gifts before opening Kayla’s. It was a large box. I opened it with a huge smile on my face, and my friends all looked excited for me to see what was inside.
To my shock, there was a mug and a hoodie. Both had a large, bold font saying “Motherless Behaviour”. I was in so much shock I excused myself. I ended up calling it a night and they all left, Kayla muttering “It was supposed to be funny” as she passed by me to leave.
This morning I woke up with texts from some of my friends at the party reassuring me Kayla had no ill intent, and then I saw Kayla messaged me. The message was LENGTHY, including many messages saying things like “it was of good intent. You embarrassed me. I was trying to lightent the situation.”
One message in particular that Kayla sent had gotten to me, this message said “after 8 months you should be able to accept your moms death and joke about it. You’re self-sabotaging from holding on, and its ruining your friendships.” I felt so sick. This question is making me wonder if truly I am the AH and if I should be over my mothers death.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Snoobeedo
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss and how inconsiderate your “friend” was.
I’m more than twice your age and lost a parent two decades ago. I would have been inconsolable receiving a gift like that.
jentlyused
I also am sorry for your loss. NTA at all. I, almost three times your age, lost my mom two years ago last week and am still struggling at times. There is never ever a timeline for grieving. Still talk to her or write to her what you feel is unsaid. Might help a bit. Hugs!
Lisabeybi
That’s not funny. She’s just not funny and should apologize.
8 months? I was 50 when my mom died at 70 I cried on Mother’s Day, her birthday… it has been 15 years and it still hits me that I miss her.
LateForDinner61
There’s no expiration date on grief, and I don’t even understand the joke.
scarletxkurapika
The “joke” is a play on the phrase “fatherless behavior.” Fatherless Behavior is a misogynistic phrase that people use against women to attribute their negative qualities to having no father.
For example: a woman who may sleep around a lot, dress promiscuously, act like a pick me/seek male attention & approval, etc. are what some may describe as exhibiting fatherless behavior.
It’s basically just another way to say you have daddy issues, and/or say that someone turned out poorly because they lack a positive father figure. The hoodie and mug OP received don’t really have the same negative implications, it’s just wordplay.
goldenelr
If Kayla is decent at all, one day when she has lost someone important – even if that relationship is complicated – this will haunt her. I have a dark sense of humor and make many a joke about my dead father. But I would sob if someone who didn’t know and love him made this kind of joke.
I’m much older than you and have had more time and if someone gave me a fatherless behavior mug I am not sure I could be so gracious. And here is the thing, even if she found it funny you didn’t and hurt you. A good friend’s reaction would have been to apologize immediately when it didn’t land. I hope Kayla and your other friends realize that you need an apology and they need to be kinder about loss.
javel1
NTA and I’m sorry for your loss. Losing your mom is not something you move on from. It’s something you learn to live with and the waves of grief decrease. Your “friend” clearly has never had a significant loss and her gift was completely inappropriate. You didn’t embarrass her. She embarrassed herself.
Morri___
I love how Kayla has tried to make ’embarrassing her’ a bigger crime than hurting a friend with an insensitive gift. OP hasn’t even suggested that she wouldn’t or couldn’t have gotten past it but Kayla’s throwing out ruining friendships. She’s going to war because she cannot just own her mistake. How hard is it to just apologise?
Getting real vibes about the ‘not taking a joke’ attitude. It was supposed to be funny…. OK, but it wasn’t. As someone who didn’t always understand what is appropriate when I was young, I get it. I’ve done it, to be honest.
It is at that point where you say, im sorry. It was thoughtless. What I assumed would be a light-hearted take on a heavy situation, ended up being really insensitive. I can see that I’ve hurt you and i feel terrible. Let me take you to lunch… and maybe you get her a better gift as an apology.
What we don’t do is say is you embarrassed me because everyone saw me hurt you. The only reason you’re hurt is because you grieved too long. Stop being a baby or we can’t be friends. Awful friend.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
