“AITA for telling my mom I don’t want to spend time with her if my stepbrother has to be included?”
My mother had me (22f) at 15, which isn’t the point of this post but when she started dating when I was in middle school, it wasn’t a surprise that the men in her dating pool that had kids had much younger children and that was something we talked about before she got serious with Steve.
Mom started dating Steve when I was 16 and married him when I left for college. He has a now 12-year-old son, Joey. I didn’t live in the house with them for very long and obviously, the age difference is big so Joey and I get along but we’re not close at all. He’s a nice kid but I don’t know him super well. He’s very attached to my mom though which I totally get, my mom is awesome.
After I graduated this spring, I moved back closer to home (about 30 minutes from my mom). I was really excited to be nearby, we’ve always been really close and I missed her a lot when I was at school. I wanted to have a dedicated girls day with my mom at least once or maybe twice a month now that I’m home and we got to do that for a couple months but the last two times, my mom has shown up with Joey.
Again, I like the kid but we were doing stuff like getting our nails done, having lunch at new places, seeing plays…Joey changes that entirely. Last time we went to the zoo because he wanted to visit the reptile house and then got cheeseburgers. It was fine but that’s not the day I planned with my mom.
We got into an argument on the phone that night and it came out that Steve has demanded that Joey be included on our days together because he felt that my time alone with my mother was her showing me favoritism.
I didn’t even know what to say, I’ve never known my mom to be so spineless especially when it came to me. It really hurt me to say it but I told her I wasn’t interested in that and if that was my only choice, I guess I would just have to see her on holidays and family gatherings.
She’s been calling me and begging me to change my mind but she won’t stand up to her husband about it so I’ve just kept apologizing and saying I’m not interested in having a kids’ day every month. I miss my mom though and I feel really guilty and idk if it was an AH thing for me to say or not.
Here’s what people had to say to OP.
oaksandpines1776 wrote:
NtA. Just bring him to the spa and get his fingernails done also.
CleanGeologist3480 OP:
Oh no lol poor Joey! I mean, he probably wouldn’t want to come anymore but idk if that fixes the Steve issue..
l3ex_G
Nta your mother needs to stand up for you.
This is messy and something smells bad. Do you at all suspect abuse because maybe you should?
CleanGeologist3480 OP:
I hadn’t really considered it before. Definitely not physical… he’s always been a bit rigid and “this is how things are” type of guy but he wasn’t ever really forceful about it… I don’t know what kind of tone he takes with her when they’re alone
Ok-Classic8323
NTA
does joey not go to school?
Have your day with your Mum while he is in school.
This is not about favouritism, Joey is not your sibling and your mum is not his mother. This is about a Mother & Daughter having a day once a month for themselves.
Her Husband is a selfish AH
tryjmg
Mom is prob at work during the school day
CleanGeologist3480 OP:
We’re both at work during school hours
Historical_Agent9426
Is there any way you can meet your mom for lunch during the work day?
CleanGeologist3480 OP:
No, the drive would eat up most of it. I could probably take a half day of PTO but I don’t know if I could do that often
Historical_Agent9426
Oh, I understand, I was thinking you need to see your mom in person, without Joey or Steve around, so you can talk to her about how wrong Steve’s demand is and how concerned you are that she is scared to stand up to him.
[deleted]
NTA – so Joey was 6 when your mom started dating Steve. It sounds like Steve was looking for a replacement mom for Joey (is Joey’s mom involved in his life?). Steve also sounds like the A H – especially with the “favouritism” comment. Of course your mom should prefer you to Joey; you’re her child, Joey isn’t. Does Steve treat you and Joey equally? Or does he favour his own son to his step-daughter?
CleanGeologist3480 OP:
She exists but she’s inconsistent and I don’t know how often he sees her. I don’t know much about the situation, it’s not really my business to ask about the details and they weren’t offered.
Steve barely knows me tbh. He’s nice enough though he doesn’t talk to me much and he helped my mom with some of my school expenses but I can’t really say if he’d treat me equally or not, I wasn’t there for it to be a thing.
Peanutsandcheese2021
NTA Joey has all the time with your mom and you have none . And she is playing favourites and not picking you . So if she can’t stand up for you then all you can do is protect yourself . I’m so sorry this has happened to you . Is your Dad in your life at all ? Do you have another active parent you can rely on ??
CleanGeologist3480 OP:
No, my father’s parents picked up and moved the family away before I was born because they’re f%^$g cowards and he was “too young” to have a baby even though he was older than my mom was. I’ve never heard from him even once but my grandparents tried to contact me a few years ago. I didn’t open it.. I have zero interest in having a relationship with any of them, ever
I have my moms parents, I’m really close with them, my grandma was my primary carer until mom finished school … I talk to them almost every day. But they’re not my mom
Ok_Pomegranate3775
NTA. this is weird. It almost feels like the stepdad doesn’t want to deal with his own kid on the weekends, so he just has to be included in your one on one days with your mom. She raised you alone for 16 years! You deserve days to just hang out with each other, and once or twice a month isn’t a lot.
I just wonder how this didn’t become a problem when you were still in the house when they first got married.
CleanGeologist3480 OP:
It was timing, I think. My mom and I moved in with Steve and Joey towards the end of my senior year. I had a bedroom there but I still had my room at my grandparents and I stayed there a lot because it was more convenient for me to get to school.
And then it was the summer before college so I was preoccupied with my friends most of the time… they got married in August and I left almost right after and then I was just home for breaks. I think this is the first time I’ve really been present for more than a month or so since they got married
CleanGeologist3480 OP:
That’s a good idea
