“AITA for thinking my multimillionaire brother would help me financially in a crisis?”
I (39F) had a wonderful and close relationship with my brother (44M) for most of our lives. We have years of inside jokes and fun memories together. About ten years ago, I would have considered him among my best friends. We also both suffer from panic disorder, anxiety disorder, and grief and trauma from losing my dad ten years ago to cancer. This bonded us further, as we shared those difficult experiences.
There is so much context here that it would take hours to write out, but the basics are: 1) my brother married a woman who has a lot of mental health issues and very difficult personality traits,
2) My brother became extremely financially successful (I would estimate at least 25 million, if not more), 3) I married and had a child, 4) I had a full panic disorder crisis last spring, resulting in leaving my job, 5) I have struggled to find work since, despite applying, upskilling, trying entrepreneurial ventures, updating resume, LinkedIn, etc.
6) My financial situation got so bad due to this that we were at risk of losing our home, car, and/or going bankrupt. My brother had always offered help financially if we needed it, and in the past we always turned it down. However, recently, he changed his mind.
He suddenly started avoiding offering any financial help. He has continued to spend his money on things like redoing his entire backyard and adding a pool to the tune of 80k+, traveling abroad and paying for a nanny for his children while he does, buying an extra home, etc. Whenever I would mention my financial issues, he would change the subject.
One month ago, I finally broke down and addressed it. I called and asked him if he would help us if it meant saving us from bankruptcy or losing our home or car. I didn’t ask for any specific amount, just whether or not he would help. He said no. I feel completely gutted that my brother would refuse to help me in a time of crisis when he has the means.
We haven’t spoken since. There is so much more context here, but I have been a really good sister to him and aunt to his sons. I haven’t been able to offer anything financially, but I have treated his children like my own, and quietly endured many issues with his wife, trying to be understanding that she has her own struggles like everyone else.
I have tried to keep our family together despite the traumatic loss of my dad 10 years ago. My entire life, he has positioned himself like a third parent to me – very protective, but also very supportive.
Suddenly, he seems to want no part of my family life and explicitly said he will not help financially. The only reason that he has given was that his wife makes things difficult for him to manage. However, she is not behind the decision to not help financially. I truly believe that came from him. I’ve been crying every day, and I’ve written ten different letters that I haven’t sent.
I think at its core, regardless of context, I am wondering if I am wrong to hope that my brother would help me financially in an extreme crisis. The past year of my life has been extremely difficult. I have clawed my way back from a complete mental health crisis, but it has taken almost a full year and I’m still not 100%.
He is aware of all of the circumstances and challenges. If I had asked him for money year after year, or if I was being irresponsible and asking him to float me while making bad choices, it would be different. But he has always offered to help, and when I finally truly needed it, he said no. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Teresajs wrote:
YTA. There are a few reasons your brother might have for his unwillingness to give you money: Your brother may perceive your current difficulties to be a direct result of your actions. That could include you quitting your job but also how you spend your money since then.
If nothing has changed with your situation, your brother may not believe that the request you’re making would solve your underlying issues. In other words, if you still don’t have a job, would only delay an inevitable eviction/foreclosure. Your brother could be concerned that if he gives you money now, you would continue to expect support in the future.
Although you say your brother is wealthy, he may not have access to ready cash and his income may be budgeted/spent. The things he planned to spend his money on may be a higher priority for him, regardless of how frivolous you view them. Since your brother is married, his wife may have some say in how their marital funds are spent.
He may not be willing to give you money because it would cause difficulty in his marriage. Ultimately, your brother’s money is his own to do with as he wishes. He isn’t obligated to give any of it to you. You and your spouse will need to figure out the changes you need to make to your own lives to get through this.
JeanSchleman wrote:
YTA. You use all sorts of victim speak here. We all have trauma and problems, but it’s our responsibility as adults to hold things together, and make correct choices. You should have had contingency plans, an emergency fund, savings. You shouldn’t quit jobs without alternatives.
You should have been living a frugal lifestyle, and after job loss should have cut it even further. All of this is your doing, not your bros. You want to blame outside forces and be a victim instead of looking in the mirror.
Myywiferocks wrote:
I think your brother recognizes that you are experiencing “learned helplessness.” You quit your job and put yourself and your family into a financial crisis. You did this without another job lined up nor any prospects of employment. You also did this knowing what it would do to your family’s financial situation. Then you make yourself the victim and your brother a villain.
Your brother previously offered financial support because you were working and trying to support yourself. He refuses to sign up to be your benefactor, which is really what you’re asking him to do.
YTA – for putting yourself and your family in a dire situation. Period – full stop.
Use your network of friends and colleagues to help you find a job. Take your ego out of this. Clean houses, become a nanny or babysitter, elderly care.. Broaden your horizons on what you’re willing to do to support yourself and your family. Lose the victim mentality – you’re only a victim to your own choices. Get mad at yourself for putting you and your family in this predicament, then fix it.
MizzyVonMuffling wrote:
I feel like there’s more to the story, some “missing reasons.” Why would he offer to support you a few years back and now a straight no? Feels weird to me.
