“AITA for telling my friends fiancé off when he tried to force my daughter to tidy?”
I (f27) have a friend, Jen (f33) who is engaged to Brad (m26). My friend Jen and I both have three year old daughters and I also had another baby in the fall. Brad is not the biological father to Jen’s daughter.
My child and I went for a visit in the afternoon. The two girls played and had a great time while my friend and I chatted and visited while I also have a newborn baby. Visit is coming close to an end and Brad shows up at Jen’s apartment (they don’t live together and won’t until married). We say hi, he plays with the girls for a bit and then I give my daughter a warning that we are leaving soon.
Jen and Brad then begin to encourage the girls to start cleaning up their mess of toys. I want to note it wasn’t this insane crazy mess, it was toys on the floor that were played with. If you have toddlers, you know they make a mess and don’t always clean up after themselves.
So Jen turns on the TV to a clean up song video on YouTube to encourage the girls to clean, Brad told her to turn it off because they will get distracted. I gave my daughter some time to try and clean herself but she’s three and I think it’s a little silly to expect three year olds to just start cleaning.
So I go and hold my daughter’s hand and really prompt her to tidy up while holding my infant. I also tried to tidy some things up but my daughter just wanted to play. I gave her about 2-3 warnings and the consequence of not tidying would be to put our shoes on and go home. She proceeded to play so I began to enact the consequence.
Brad begins calling the girls to come and clean in another room he is in, my daughter tries to go to help because he is telling her to. I explain gently that “mama said it’s time to go, I need you to listen to mama, Brad doesn’t know I told you it’s time to go home.”
Brad comes into the room I am in and while I am on the floor helping my toddler get dressed to go he comes in and tells me that they have a rule that the girls need to tidy after they play. He said that their house has rules and cleaning up is one and the mess needs to be tidied before we go.
This is where I snapped. I told him that I told my child it was time to go and I will not tolerate him telling me what I need to tell my child to do. He says to me “if you cannot follow the rules then you will not be welcome back.”
I was floored.
I didn’t handle the situation well after this statement was made, I’ll admit. I was so shocked an taken aback. Jen told him not to jump to extremes in the moment but then proceeded to defend him (as she should as his fiancé). I explained to them that I gave my child warnings and she wasn’t tidying so I decided the consequence was to go home. Is this the best consequence? Idk but it’s my consequence.
And I don’t believe that telling another person how to parent their child is appropriate (unless the child is in danger). It turned into a whole thing and in the heat of frustration I told them they need to post a list of rules for their company so that everyone is on the same page regarding rules and expectations when visiting.
Because how was I supposed to know they had this rule that forced their company to clean? It is good manners to tidy your mess when visiting, but it shouldn’t be an enforced rule by the “man of the house.”
I’ll also add that I have ALWAYS cleaned and tidied in the past when visiting. I was 37 weeks pregnant and cleaning food off the floor after dinner because that’s the kind of person I am. I told them they should have communicated this rule to me. I told HIM that next time he needs to take a deep breath, sit on the “problem.”
(I.e. the company didn’t tidy), talk with Jen, and if they still feel they have a problem then to communicate it then. But to lash out in the moment was not fostering a welcoming environment. Brad backpedaled and started to say “you’re welcome any time, we want to have you here. But we have rules”. But the damageIs done in my eyes. I feel quite hurt. So am I the AH?
TL;DR: My friends’ fiancé told me I need to make my child tidy up and I told him off and in turn he told me I’m not welcome in their house anymore.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Ok_Homework_621 wrote:
ESH. Your friend is in a controlling relationship. He has rules for her home and decides who is not allowed back? That will get so much worse when they start living together. That said, the consequence for not cleaning can’t be going home and leaving the mess behind. 3yo isn’t too young to put some toys away.
If it’s not working, maybe the kids should put away the first set of toys before the second set comes out so it’s easier to deal with when it’s time to go home. Adults can help. But if you think cleaning is hard now with a toddler and 37 weeks pregnant, you’re in for a surprise in a couple of weeks. 3yo is not the easiest age, but teaching cooperation now will make it easier for everybody the next couple of years.
buttemcgee wrote:
Sorry, I have to add this as an early educator as there is a lot of misinformation about age appropriate consequences in the comments. At 3, going home isn’t a consequence because it’s not ‘instant’ enough and is happening anyway. She knows she’s going home, so the association that gets made is- ‘if I take a long time and don’t pack up then I don’t have to’.
A consequence has to be different from the routine, an example – ‘if we pack away quickly we’ll have time for one more game/dance party etc (just not a food ‘treat’, food should never be used as a reward or punishment) before we go’.
Then if she doesn’t pack away quickly, ‘we don’t have time, you didn’t pack away when I asked’ And a 3-year-old is moooorrreeeeeeeeee than capable of tidying up after themselves, at my service they reset all the activities and toys in the room from 2 years.
stupit_crap wrote:
Brad was an AH for sure. Question for the parents of 3-yr olds: It seems like the thing a 3 yr old would most want would be to continue playing. And the thing they would least want is go home. You want them to clean up, but if they aren’t doing that, the “punishment” / result is the party is over and we are going home.
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It does not seem to me that going home is getting the child out of tidying. It seems like putting away a few toys is the most you can really expect out of a child that young. Putting away a few toys is more laying the foundation of a good habit. Going home does not seem to be the “reward” that Brad thinks it is. He seems to have zero insight into how children think.
Plus_Bumblebee_664 wrote:
You should have helped clean before you left. Telling her she can go home is what is happening anyways and not a consequence. You should have made her clean. Toddlers can definitely clean up their messes. That was rude of you. Stop babying her and let her learn to be respectful of other people’s spaces.
Loose-Zebra435 wrote:
Jen does not need to support her fiance just because he’s her fiance. If she doesn’t agree with him, she should politely and respectfully voice that
I see and hear way too often that people are blindly supporting anything their partner says and maybe talking to them about it later. No. Stop. Tell people they’re wrong when they’re creating the problem Also, who is this guy to be having rules for his girlfriend’s house? Also, leaving because someone doesn’t want to clean seems like a bad consequence. It has her dancing at home after having left the mess
