“AITA for being surly, rude, mean, and leaving a wedding early?”

“AITA for being surly, rude, mean, and leaving a wedding early?”

I was asked to be a member of the wedding party. Despite this, I was THE ONLY person, not only in the wedding party, but also at the ceremony, who wasn’t allowed to have a +1. I was told it was because my relationship wasn’t “serious” enough despite us being together for a year. That only engaged or married couples were invited.

And that they didn’t want “some random guy” in their wedding pictures who “I might not even be with” later in the future. They don’t want to “have to look at some random guy in their pictures” even though he wouldn’t have been in any of the posed pictures at all. Maybe just in the background of crowd shots.

There have been NO conflicts between them and my boyfriend and he’s a nice and mild-mannered guy who gets along with everyone so I don’t think it was about him personally. I get to the ceremony and find out that literally everyone else has a +1, not just married couples, but there are couples there who have been dating for less time than me.

This is when I started feeling surly. I smiled and played my part during the ceremony but inside I was very surly and angry. We then got to the reception which had way more people than the ceremony. This is where all the “more distant friends” were invited. AND EVERYONE THERE had a +1. I was literally placed at a table as the one single person and everyone else at the table was a couple.
Some at the table were other members of the wedding party, but others were random distant acquaintances. People started asking me where my boyfriend was and I said I was told he wasn’t invited. They asked why and I said I had no idea why. This is when I started letting my surliness show and started acting rude and mean, because I was humiliated.

AND THEN, I was “brought into conversation” with the couple’s male friend, Dean. I was previously told that Dean has a crush on me and I made it clear I wouldn’t be interested even if I were single. Even after that he kept trying to message me and I ignored him. But now the people who “brought me into conversation” with Dean were like standing around staring at us and giggling behind their hands.

Like they thought they were Cupid matchmakers. Dean was absolutely a participant in this. I was meaner to Dean than I’ve ever been to anyone in my entire life. I was as fully rude as I’ve ever wanted to be when being the target of someone’s romantic interest unwantedly. It’s true I don’t really know if I was being set up but I was already furious before that happened. Everyone was silent and awkward.

I went back and finished my meal, and as soon as I was done, picked up my purse and left and went straight to my boyfriend’s house, skipping most of the reception, cake cutting, speeches, and everything. I’m now being told by the couple that they’re “hurt and confused” why I left so early. I haven’t replied.
Here’s what commenters had to say:
nbd_i_alreadyreddit
INFO: who “brought you into conversation” with Dean? Any chance they had input on your +1 situation? Sounds like someone was hoping (actually, expecting) you to hit it off with Dean at the wedding and leave your BF for him. NTA. What a horrid situation to be in.
Also, did Dean bring a +1? If so, major, he’s TA.
Particular_Visual_14 OP:
Dean wouldn’t have a +1 to bring, he’s known as “the guy that no girls will give a chance to even though he really deserves it”
mxcmpsx
It really sounds like an ulterior motive. And it sounds like this guy can’t take a hint, persistence isn’t cute in “unrequited love”. Even if Dean hadn’t spoken to you it seems like you would’ve been miserable the whole night :/
Particular_Visual_14 OP:
That thing with Dean really pushed me over the edge, I still would have left after the meal, but I wouldn’t have had the explosion of being rude first like I did towards Dean.
TriZARAtops said:
Wow. There’s layers to this like a freaking parfait made entirely of dog s^%$ in different stages of decomposition and it just kept getting worse. From the title I thought you were TA. Then it was like okay, maybe it’s E S H. Then it got to NTA and kept on trucking into how the newlyweds AND Dean are huuuuuuuge @$$hole and just kept on going.
Honestly, you are absolutely not the @$$hole and in fact should be commended on not engaging in some fully warranted @$$hole behavior of your own. Because I absolutely do not consider rudely rejecting Dean’s advances to be @$$hole behavior when he is complicit in this setup attempt from hell.
I think at the very least you would’ve been completely justified in not only leaving early, but taking your wedding gift with you because these people are not your friends.
Particular_Visual_14 OP:
I’m still SO angry about the entire thing, I wish I had told them to go f&*^ themselves the minute they called my boyfriend “some guy I might not even be with in the future.” My relationship is one of the most important things in my life and my boyfriend is precious to me.
CakeisaDie said:
NTA If you were seriously singled out like that as the only major exception by someone either the wedding couple or anyone in the wedding party . I probably would have been more angry.
Particular_Visual_14 OP:
Honestly I was the most mad about how they disrespected my boyfriend and relationship calling him “some random guy” and saying “I might not be with him in the future” like WTF kind of way is that to talk about my relationship that’s extremely important to me??
Weskit said:
NTA. You were treated blatantly unfairly, and it appears that there was an ulterior motive. You’d be justified if you went NC with everybody involved in this fiasco.
Particular_Visual_14 OP:
“it appears that there was an ulterior motive.” Yeah, that’s the part that made me think I might be the asshole because I really do have no evidence or proof of that, and I might have just interpreted it that way because I was already really angry.
bellePunk said:
NTA That was rude and totally unacceptable of them to try to force you into being a date for Dean.
Particular_Visual_14 OP:
I have no evidence that’s really what was going on, they didn’t seat me next to him and he wasn’t in the wedding party so I didn’t get paired with him or anything. I just started suspecting it because of the way some people were looking at us and giggling but that could have been just in my mind because I was already angry.
Unit-Healthy said:
NTA. If they are hurt and confused, simply tell them: “As you know, I have been dating bf for a year. I noticed Sally was there with her bf of 4 months, and Sam was there with his gf of 7 months. Why was I treated differently and not allowed a plus one based on time spent dating?”
pinkyhc said:
NTA, you were ‘mean’ to Dean. GOOD. You were ‘surly’ because you were being treated unfairly. GOOD. You left early because you weren’t being respected. GOOD. They’re ‘hurt and confused’ because they tried to bully you into bulls&%^ and you didn’t take it lying down. GOOD.
You’re not a push-over, you love your partner, and you do NOT deserve to have your boundaries stomped all over by your ‘friends’. These people ruined their relationship with you and gave themselves wedding drama all by themselves. They’re not good friends if they don’t listen to and respect you.
OP added this clarification in the comments:
I didn’t want to describe the conversation because people would probably think really badly of me if they saw how horrible I really acted, but f&^% it.
This was toward the end of the meal and some people are still eating and some people are just partying, standing and talking, circulating around the room.
I was eating and someone comes over to me goes, “Hey could you come over here for a second, someone has a question for you.”
Already I was suspicious because that was a scenario straight out of the second grade lunchroom, but fine whatever may be it has to do with bridal party stuff.
So I come over and who is standing there but Dean. Looking really smug and a few other people are standing there who are already giggling so I already start feeling angry. Because again this is reminding me of the second grade lunchroom scenario and I’m already imagining how it’s going to go.
He actually started out with “Hey beautiful” and I went “what do you want” in an angry tone.
I think he sensed that this wasn’t going to go like what he had in his mind but he continued what he obviously planned out. So he said “I just wanted to ask you something” and I said “WHAT”
He went “There is something wrong with my phone can you help me fix it?” I said “I don’t know anything about phones sorry I can’t help you” and turned around to go back.
And he went “No no, what’s wrong with my phone is that it doesn’t have your number in it.”
And I just went off. Because I already made it clear I was not into whatever this was, and I already turned to leave. But he interrupted me leaving and kept going despite it all. I was furious because I was already angry plus he wasn’t paying attention to how I felt or caring about it. So I felt like he deserved what I was going to give to him.
I raised my voice and said: “DEAN. F&^% OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE. No, you can’t have my f&^$%^g number. No, I don’t want to go out with you. I don’t want to talk to you. I’m not attracted to you. I don’t want anything to do with you. YOU ARE NOT INTERESTING OR ATTRACTIVE TO ME AT ALL. I want you to leave me the f&^% alone.”
He was looking down during all of this and not at me and I said “I want you to look at me and agree you’re going to leave me alone from now on YES OR NO.” And he said yes, and I said “LOOK AT ME AND SAY YES” so he did. so I turned around and left him alone after that.
I know I humiliated him and I did it on purpose, I hate to admit that but it’s true.
Even though I raised my voice it was loud in the room so only the people standing nearby and one unrelated table nearby heard it.
I’m confused as to your relationship with the b&e
OP added these details as well:
The bride is my longtime friend, the groom is her sleazy boyfriend, oh and he himself has hit on me by the way INCLUDING AT THE CEREMONY when he slid over to me and whispered: “how am I supposed to concentrate on my own wedding when you show up looking like that.”
Just so you guys know she’s 100% aware he’s a sleaze, he hits on everyone not just me, people have told her plenty of times before and she just gets upset and lashes out on them, so we don’t even bother telling her now. We just avoid being alone with him. He doesn’t do anything beyond making gross comments. I wasn’t expecting him to say something sleazy at the wedding but he went ahead and did.
Honestly I think he was somehow behind this whole not letting me have a +1 thing in some way but she thinks he’s made of gold and happily goes along with whatever he wants.
Later OP added this update in the comments:
Alright, after making this post, I emailed them back, and I started small just to see what they would say. All I said to start it off was:
“I was uncomfortable because I was the only one without a +1 after being told nobody but engaged or married couples would have them. Multiple people at the reception started repeatedly asking me where (boyfriend) was and I was getting more and more humiliated.
Especially since I was seated with (colleague) and (colleague) and their Tinder boyfriends. It was humiliating to be the only one singled out and I was extremely upset.”
Here is the reply I quickly got: “We just meant no plus-ones for the ceremony. It was perfectly fine for you to bring (boyfriend) to the reception and that’s what we assumed you were going to do. That’s what we always planned for. The reception being much larger and looser. We never heard from you about bringing (boyfriend) to the reception, so we didn’t plan for it, but it always would have been fine.”
This reply is some bu^%$#t, that was never ever ever ever said to me at all or presented as an option. I would have actually been fine with that as a compromise.