“WIBTA if I divorce my wife because she does not want me actively involved in raising our children?”
My wife (31f) and I (32m) have been together since college and we’ve been married for 7 years. We have three children together and I am sick of either having to step back and let her raise the kids almost as a single mom or fight with her because I did something with our children, even something as simple as feeding them. But that’s where I’m at.
She wasn’t like this when our oldest was born. It started when she was pregnant with our twins. She would always tell me to tidy or run some errands when I wanted to spend time with our child.
Then she’d keep him by her side the entire day or she’d go off somewhere if I said we should all spend the day together and focused on our oldest. But when the twins came it was worse.
Every time I went to feed or change a baby she was telling me to go back to bed or to run to the store for something. Whenever she caught me holding and doing anything with one of our kids it was like I was committing a crime. When I’d ask her what the issue was she said there was nothing but I should just make myself useful. Even if I was doing that.
One time she was delayed on the phone talking to her sister so I put our oldest to bed and got the twins fed. She freaked out and yelled at me for doing it without her. I told her it wasn’t like I went off schedule and she was busy. She said that wasn’t the point.
Then came the fights about me trying to be with the kids instead of working or running errands. When I took time off I would make sure I got time with the kids and she’d be ready for a fight and if I didn’t let a fight happen she’d yell at me anyway. Whenever I didn’t push through she’d find a way to keep the kids from me.
I told her it bothered me and she said it was all in my head. Another time she accused me of trying to hog the kids even though I hadn’t been home all day. She hated me baby wearing. I was screamed at for picking the kids up from her parents’ house one day.
She was at an appointment and I was getting out of work so I thought it made sense. But she told me she decided to leave them with her parents so I should respect that and I told her I was just as capable of taking care of them as her.
She was hospitalized briefly a couple of months ago and that’s when I reached the point of deciding we should just divorce. I took some days off work so I could be with the kids.
She kept telling me to go back to work and let the kids stay with her parents until she got home. And she was screaming at me while she was in the hospital because I had the kids. She sent her parents to try and take them off me twice.
When she recovered I told her this couldn’t continue and if this was the way things would be we should divorce and she screamed and said I would be an AH to destroy our family and break up our kids stability.
Even my own parents told me I should find a way to make it work. But she won’t even sit down and talk to me, therapy is out of the question on her part and I don’t want the kids to see us fight every time I interact with even one of them. AITA for wanting to divorce?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
jrm1102
NTA – but tbh, she does need therapy badly
But if you want to divorce you should really document this behavior and get your act together because shes going to go for full custody.
MrsCakeakaJane
I completely agree with this. Something is going on in your wife head and it needs to get sorted before the kids are much older. Document everything, get recordings (if it’s allowed where you are)
good luck
Malkxixt OP:
I know but I do not know if she’ll ever willingly see that. And I know she’s not listening to me on this. It only increases her anger and willingness to fight.
I have some stuff already documented. A lot of texts and voice messages that were sent. And I wrote a log while she was in the hospital about specific incidents.
Common_Street8758
Listen there is something seriously wrong here, she needs help, if I where u I’d talk to her parents privately and try get to the bottom of what is wrong. My first thought through out reading this is was she abused as a child. It sounds like it cause she afraid of u being alone with them, u can’t go on this and u don’t deserve to be treated like this
Malkxixt OP:
They see nothing wrong with her behavior. And she won’t entertain talking to me either so I don’t know what I can do.
elainegeorge
It sounds like this was happening with your oldest as well, but got worse with the twins. Unless she seeks help, or you divorce, I don’t see this getting better for you. She’s already committing parental alienation in your own home. If she won’t see a therapist, you need to in order to put a plan of your own in place.
I’d try to get to the bottom of why she does this. Was she abused? If so, why is she letting her parents help? They didn’t protect her. Did she see some side of you she didn’t like? Why did she react by withholding the kids?
Malkxixt OP:
It started when she was pregnant with the twins. With her first pregnancy and when our oldest was born this was not an issue and things were great. We were so happy.
She’s not going to tell me anything. I can’t even touch on any of this without her screaming at me. It feels like I can’t even say hi anymore without her flipping out on me because the kids are there or something. And none of this is healthy.
jrm1102
That part confuses me. Her family is just like… ready and willing to take the kids while youre home? Is it some cultural thing or like did she grow up where dad did zero parenting?
Malkxixt OP:
Her mom was the primary parent when she was a kid. But even still nowhere near as hands off as she expects me to be. And yes they were willing to take the kids while I was home. They were eager to do it.
MmaRamotsweOS
NTA BUT don’t be surprised if she lies to CPS or tries various other ways to get in the way of your custody time. She clearly has mental issues going on. When you start filing, give your lawyer detailed notes of things she has said and done to keep you from spending time with the children, so they are aware there is already a history of interference with her. If you get 50/50 custody she will go apeshit.
Malkxixt OP:
I started a log already while she was in the hospital that gives specifics and I have texts and voicemails saved as well.
foriesg
Take your kids to pediatric appointments make sure their doctors and teachers know you. How did she grow up? Was she ever SA? Maybe this is a trauma response. IDK.
Malkxixt OP:
She has never mentioned any kind of abuse to me and she definitely won’t now.
Ordinary-Hat5379
I would be straight out asking if she thinks you being with the kids is harming them and if so why? If she can’t answer that then tell her it’s therapy or divorce and those are the only choices she’s left you with.
Malkxixt OP:
She denies anything like that and even denies keeping me and the kids apart. She just said she feels like I’m trying to hog them.
Ordinary-Hat5379
Then there is something seriously wrong because she clearly doesn’t trust you. Yet, you say it was fine pre twins? Something very odd in play here. Could be PPD, could be something else but the priority in all of this is the children and it’s up to you to protect them and give them the understanding that an involved father is perfectly normal.
I’m sorry this is happening, it must be awful and made worse by your family pressure too by the sound of it. Do what’s best for you and the kids. It will be hard but worth it.
Malkxixt OP:
When our oldest was born we had zero of these issues. Throughout that pregnancy and until she was midway through her pregnancy with the twins it was all good. I was super involved and I even took time off when our oldest was born to be with them. Second time that was something she had a big issue with and she was pushing me to return to work and be out of the way.
Ordinary-Hat5379
Has she made any new friends or fallen down an online rabbit hole in between the eldest and the twins? Because, if there’s no outside influence then this looks like a mental health issue and without outside intervention it won’t get sorted.
Malkxixt OP:
She was on a forum during her second pregnancy called BabyCenter. I don’t know of any rabbit holes she fell down during that time but it’s not impossible.
Common_Street8758
Listen there is something seriously wrong here, she needs help, if I where u I’d talk to her parents privately and try get to the bottom of what is wrong. My first thought through out reading this is was she abused as a child. It sounds like it cause she afraid of u being alone with them, u can’t go on this and u don’t deserve to be treated like this.
Malkxixt OP:
They see nothing wrong with her behavior. And she won’t entertain talking to me either so I don’t know what I can do. They see nothing wrong with her behavior. And she won’t entertain talking to me either so I don’t know what I can do.
JediFed
Something is not well with her. Behavioral shifts like this are an indication as well as her hospitalization that intervention is necessary.
Therapy isn’t optional at this point. I don’t think a divorce is necessary, but I’m not sure how you get her into treatment, and how to convince other people that she is in dire need of therapy.
Malkxixt OP:
She is not open to anything I consider like that. There is no way I will get her family on my side either. I couldn’t even suggest therapy without her getting angry at me and saying I was overreacting.
jrm1102
That part confuses me. Her family is just like… ready and willing to take the kids while youre home? Is it some cultural thing or like did she grow up where dad did zero parenting?
Malkxixt OP:
Her mom was the primary parent when she was a kid. But even still nowhere near as hands off as she expects me to be. And yes they were willing to take the kids while I was home. They were eager to do it.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
