“AITA for telling my wife that if I waited for her to make memories with our son, we wouldn’t have any?”
Last weekend, I (39M) helped my son (14M) dye his hair purple. (Or, my good friend who actually knew what he was doing helped dye my son’s hair while I was there for music requests and object fetching.) It was such a fun day, and I could tell how happy it made my boy.
Now, the issue is, I didn’t tell my wife before we did this, and that was the catalyst to the fight we are currently having. But, for me, it is so much more than just this one incident.
My wife has been hands off with our child for a while now. His soccer games, little road trips to nearby amusement parks, back to school shopping. She’s too busy with work, or too tired from work. So, I’ve mostly just stopped having the conversations. Why would I waste my breath to have the same conversations on repeat?
The night we dyed his hair, she started crying while we were talking saying we were making all of these memories without her. I asked he what she expected me to do. If we waited for her to make memories, we would be sitting in a dark room 100% of the time.
My son isn’t even really comfortable with her anymore. There is no ‘I can’t take you, go ask your mom.’ Now it’s, ‘I’m sorry I can’t take you, let me see if (friend) is free that day.’
My wife isn’t speaking to me now, and I’m wondering if I took it too far. I don’t know. I was hoping some brutal honesty would change something. I would’ve loved having more kids, but I guess it’s for the best now that she said no.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
PsiBlaze
NTA.
At least you are there for your son. He deserves at least one of you to remember he exists.
Bulky_Job_2631
You missed the part where he is the SAHP who promised to go back to work but never did so the family’s finances is all the mom’s responsibility
PsiBlaze
No, I did not. It’s just typically the mom who would be the SAHP. And I’d say the same thing if the genders were reversed
paganliam
Here’s the thing, their agreement was that OP would go back to work years ago, and he refused to. The wife is having to make up for his lack of working. OP needs to abide by what he agreed on, and get a damn job instead of playing fun parent.
sitandthink86 OP:
This is not true. I did not refuse to go back to work. Please go read my comments.
My wife was chasing a promotion, and asked me to stay at home longer. Then once she got the promotion, her hours increased so she extended that time further. I’ve been fully willing to go back to work at any time, but my wife now won’t cut her hours even if I do so.
20MLSE20
How true one day they’re 4 and next both graduating University. Blink of an eye. So glad I was there for majority of it all and why still have an amazing relationship with both my adult children.
Plus it’s the summer holidays, this is the time to do the silly stuff like dye your hair purple when there’s no school rules to deal with. By the time he’s 16 he’ll be doing this stuff with friends and not his parents so that window is closing.
crumpledspoon
Listen, this could easily be a gender swapped story. There are so many aitahs about wives who’ve stopped trying to artificially create moments for their husbands to be dads. And you are just as NTA as they are.
Being a parent is so much more than financial support, it’s about emotional presence. You are there for your son, and it hurts him each time your wife has said she doesn’t have time to be there for him that it now hurts him less to ask.
Your son is the priority, not your wife’s feelings. She is reaping the consequences of being a parent in finances only. Keep parenting your son, don’t hold back your love for him to make her feel less guilty. NTA.
IntelligentAunt5006
NTA. Time doesn’t stop just because someone is busy. Every one else’s lives keep on moving.
annang
Are you willing to go back to work so that she can work less?
sitandthink86 OP:
Yes. She’s not willing to work less to make this happen.
So me going back to work would just mean less time for my son from both of us.
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
I’m a stay at home dad. The original plan was for me to start working again when our son went to kindergarten, but my wife was gunning for a promotion around that time and asked me to stay out home longer.
Once she got the promotion, her hours increased, so that time was extended once again. I am responsible for all the household chores and general home-making tasks. I cook, clean, do all the yard work, all the grocery shopping, etc.
I do enjoy being a stay at home dad, but I’ve been ready and willing to rejoin the workforce for a decade now. At this point, I will be getting a job when my son turns 16 and can get himself to and from school.
But my wife still refuses to cut her hours even if I get a job, and gets frustrated every time I bring it up. There is no point in me forcing my son to ride the bus or figure out a ride for himself if my wife still won’t make the effort or compromise in order to spend time with him.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
