AITJ for refusing to give a huge wedding gift after finding out I’m not invited?
I (27F) am in the middle of unexpected family drama and I honestly don’t know if I’m being reasonable or petty.
My cousin (25F) is getting married soon. We grew up together and were pretty close as kids. As adults we’re not super tight, but we’re still friendly and see each other at holidays. No issues, no fights, nothing weird.
A few weeks ag6o, my aunt her mom called me and started talking about how expensive weddings are and how hard it’s been to afford everything. She said instead of a traditional registry gift, some family members are choosing to give larger monetary gifts to help cover specific costs.
Then she asked if I’d consider giving a significant cash gift to help with either the catering or the photographer. Not a typical envelope with some cash situation. We’re talking thousands. She framed it as a meaningful, generous wedding gift that would really help them.
I was caught off guard and said I’d think about it.
Then I found out through another cousin that I’m not actually invited to the wedding. It’s supposedly intimate and limited to immediate family and very close friends. Invites already went out. I never got one.
So I asked my aunt directly, and she confirmed it. She said they had to cut people because of the budget, which is why they’re hoping certain relatives will give larger monetary gifts instead of traditional presents.
I told her I’m not comfortable giving a huge financial gift to a wedding I’m not even attending. I said I’d still send a normal, thoughtful gift to celebrate them, but I’m not funding major wedding expenses for an event I’m excluded from.
She got upset and said I’m making it about myself and that a gift should come from the heart, not from whether I get an invitation. She also implied that if I were more generous, they might be able to “adjust” the guest list.
Now some relatives are saying I’m being stingy and unsupportive. My mom thinks I should just give the money to keep the peace since I can technically afford it.
I don’t want to punish anyone. I just feel weird giving such a large gift for a wedding I’m not considered close enough to attend.
AITJ for refusing to give a big cash wedding gift after finding out I’m not invited?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Loud_Classroom1269
Wait so you’re not close enough to get a chair but close enough to fund the photographer? That math is not mathing.
GabrielleArcha
AUNT: stop making it about you
OP: but it IS about me… I am not going to spend my hard earned money for an experience I will not experience.
TheLawLord
Your aunt is saving money by not inviting you, which means that she has cut costs and doesn’t need your contribution.
Life_Grocery5994 (OP)
That’s the irony. Me staying home is already saving them cash. Asking me to then cover thousands on top feels a little bold.
TopLarge1624
So you’re a family enough to send your money but not family enough to send yourself yeah that’s good.
Life_Grocery5994 (OP)
That’s the literally how it feels like my bank account got the invite but I didn’t. I’m trying not to take it personal but come on.
Left-Course-9251
It’s wildly inappropriate to ask someone to fund thousands of dollars of wedding expenses while simultaneously telling them they didn’t make the guest list. A gift is optional and based on your relationship, not a pay to play cover charge to prove your worth or buy an invitation.
Robyn_withaY
If I don’t at least receive an invitation to the wedding I don’t send a gift. If I do receive an invitation I send a gift even if I am unable to attend. So the fact the you are still willing to send a gift after finding out you have been excluded is more than generous. I would not give a large cash gift in this situation. NTA.
Solid_Assumption7160
NTA. I don’t know why anybody would expect you to buy them a wedding gift when you’re not even invited. I mean that’s just the ultimate insult. If someone complains that you didn’t get him a gift, tell him to It’s your business, not theirs.
By the way, I wouldn’t send them any gift at all why should you send a gift that you’ve not even been invited to? that’s BS. Tell your aunt, your sisters, and everyone else that your choice to send a gift or not is none of their business and that you will make the decision when the time comes, then just blow them off.
For the record 10-15 years ago, I wasn’t invited to my nephew’s wedding either and guess what? I didn’t buy him a wedding gift. I didn’t send him a card and say congratulations today to 12th. 13 years later his boys are growing up and we talked to each other and we’re quite friendly. there’s no hard feelings, I just didn’t send them a gift or acknowledge a wedding that I wasn’t invited to.
I added that part because you can turn the tables on them when your aunt or sister says you’re making this about you, tell him that they’re butting their nose into something that doesn’t concern them and that they’re making more about it than what they need to because you’re just choosing not to help someone celebrate something that you’ve not been invited to celebrate.
whattheactualduck789
Take the money that they want you to spend on the photographer, and spend it on a vacation for yourself. And send them photos. If you’re not invited, you technically don’t have to give a gift at all. You would be generous by giving them any amount. No matter how small it is.
