Hi all. I (30F) lost my partner (M29) when he chose to end his life a few months back, and am trying to get through the process of grieving and acceptance, and so forth. We were in a complicated situation of being in different countries so I flew over to his home country to see him off (or I hoped I could) as soon as possible.
My partner’s best friend (M31) was another person who flew over to see him off at the funeral procession and I thought having someone familiar would make the situation easier to handle. For context he was the one who had contacted me about my partner’s passing because he found out first, but I had details to my partner’s address, access codes, location.
However best friend flipped the switch: not updating me in a timely manner, not letting the family know about me (we weren’t ready to meet each other’s family just yet FYI, but I keep wondering why I couldn’t be introduced as a friend), only vaguely telling me about funeral details and so I missed out on it all. The only reason I ended up being able to pay my respects post-funeral was because I had figured out directions and ran into my partner’s mom, and I got to pay respects on his birthday, a day before I flew out.
Back home now, the best friend has sporadically checked up on me but I feel like it’s only when it suits him. He’ll call and unpromptedly share that he got to speak to my partner’s other friends, siblings, parents, and how everyone loves him and is so appreciative of him being around for my partner. He’ll call in tears and talk about how they were brothers. He’ll ask to get coffee and talk about scenarios where they got to have a full friendship circle etc, while lightly asking how I am before turning it back on himself.
I feel like there’s this weird hero complex to look after me but also boxing me in to make sure I know that I wouldn’t be as important as he is, in my partner’s life. I also communicate with my partner’s friends and family, but I seem to internalise it completely.
Not once have I felt welcome to share my thoughts, my sadness, my stories. I feel like a lot of my grievances gets pushed to the side to accomodate the best friend’s feelings like a sounding board and I always leave upset, exhausted and two steps back emotionally from where I could be with my own healing process. Why I keep doing it? I think because he is the only direct /close connection I have to my partner.
I’ve started to gradually stopped communicating with the best friend, but my guilt is eating at me because we’re obviously going through this shared trauma, and aside from my partner’s (other) friends in his home country, the best friend and I were the only two who have had to go through this loss at a very close proximity. I want to completely disappear from the best friend’s life so I can properly start to heal from what is a life-altering experience but not sure if it’ll make me a horrible person because everyone needs someone, during grief.
