“AITA for not wanting to go on vacation with my boyfriend and his two adult daughters?”
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. He has two adult daughters and I have two adult sons. His daughters were not very accepting of me in the beginning, but he says they like me. His youngest daughter makes digs at me and can be very rude and condescending. If I say something is nice she says it’s not. His oldest daughter is very controlling.
She directs the rest of us around and tells us what we are doing when we are doing it. In the past, when we’ve gone on vacation together, he would have me research and find activities to do wherever we’re going. Then we’d end up doing whatever his oldest daughter wants to do. She will often plan things that I’m not physically able to do.
He’s always asking me where I’d like to go on vacation or what I’d like to do. I’ve mentioned several times that I would like to go to New York City and see a Broadway play. It has always been a dream of mine. He has not been interested. I told him that’s fine. I’ll go with a friend or go with my own children now his daughters want to go. However, they want to go see something that I have no interest in.
The show is something that they have a personal connection to and talk about all the time. It’s very personal between the three of them. I’ve told him I don’t wanna go and see that play. I’m fine with him going with just his girls, but he really wants me to come along.
I’ve been down this road before, it’s going to be such a disappointment. We will be walking around doing whatever his daughters wanna do and it will be all about them. Tonight he called me from dinner with them to tell me that they have figured out when they wanna go. It happens to be on the same weekend that an organization I belong to had a fundraiser.
The thing is I’m in charge of it this year. I have no choice I can’t go, but he’s very disappointed. They’ve done this a couple of other times in the past. They planned a trip on my first week back to work, my birthday, our anniversary, and the day I had outpatient surgery. This doesn’t seem coincidental. So AITA for not going with them on vacation?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Skollsmoon wrote:
So yall are all grown. Adult kids and adult parents. Nut up and have a conversation with them to their faces about it. It doesn’t have to be an attack, just a “hey so I just want you all to know how you have been making me feel and why. And it would be nice if we go on a vacation together where we can all be included and not try to exclude me or make me feel unwanted.”
Unless you’re using the word “adult” very loosely and they are still teenagers??? Which is a little wild. Cuz if they are still under age then all the comments mentioning “me or them” that’s not gonna fly. No parent will be okay with that ultimatum.
Also, if you have multiple conversations with your man about your comfortability with these vacations and interactions with his daughters and he can’t see anything wrong with it then he’s not the one for you. And if you’re not gonna talk to all of them about it then why waste your time?
showerbulb wrote:
NTA. If you don’t want to go on vacation with them then don’t go. It’s sounds to me like the daughters don’t like the fact that their dad has someone else in his life that they see as a “threat” to their control over him.
They seem to deliberately pick times when they know you won’t or can’t come along with your boyfriend when they want to spend time with him. I’d be curious to know if the daughter’s mother is still around.
No_Scarcity8249 wrote:
You simply say no but do you really want to be with someone who treats you this way or allows his grown children to treat you this way? You tell him the same thing you told us. He won’t go with you because he isn’t interested…but you are supposed to suffer for his insufferable kids? No.
G13Rock wrote:
NTA regardless of they way you have been treated. And that he doesn’t stand by you. If you don’t want to go somewhere, you don’t have to because you’re an adult and you are free to make your own choices. Try to focus more on you and your needs and desires as to me, it looks like you are a little on the people pleasing side. So what he wants you to go and he will be disappointed?
That is his feeling. What do you feel for yourself? You feel you don’t want to go through that bad experience again, from what I read. It would be great if you could have an open conversation with just him. Ask him to listen to you. Tell him what you feel and what your expectations are. If he still doesn’t even try, after you have clearly stated your expectations, then at least you know where you stand. Good luck!
Blueyisawesome wrote:
NTA. You have a bf problem. After 4 years he isn’t willing to tell his dtrs no. He’s not willing to say “that weekend doesn’t work for us because gf is in charge of this fundraiser for a great organization & I’m going to be there to support her.”
Pretendhedgehog_ wrote:
I mean…they’ve chosen a date that means you can’t go. And you don’t want to go. So it kinda works out. However, are you really willing to put up with this for the rest of your life? Neither your boyfriend or his daughters seems to have an ounce of respect for you!
Outrageous-Ad-9635 wrote:
NTA for not wanting to go on vacation with them, but you know his daughters aren’t the problem here right?
The fact that they’re obnoxious and, apparently deliberately, plan vacations to clash with your milestones is sh–ty, but the actual problem here is that your boyfriend goes along with them. He has clearly, repeatedly, demonstrated that you are not his top priority. If he has a mother, then I doubt you’re even in the top three.
Your dream trip is a Broadway show, but he does not a single thing to make that happen – until his daughters are interested and then you don’t even get a look in. How much clearer does he need to make this for you? You get what you settle for. Personally, I wouldn’t settle for this, but you do you.
