“AITA if my cousin won’t attend my wedding because his wife lost her father?
My fiancé (M31), let’s call him Henry, and I (F30) are getting married in April of next year. The date has been set since March of this year. My cousin (M26), let’s call him Paul, and his girlfriend (F28), Kate, got engaged a few days before us. I was thrilled for them!
Their wedding date was set quickly, 2 weeks after us (we announced it afterwards). I sensed that they took it a little badly that we were getting married before them, but I didn’t really pay much attention to it at the time. However, there’s no denying that a kind of competition developed between us.
Paul and I are very close. I’ve always had a little more trouble with Kate, because she’s the kind of person who is lovely, friendly, and smiling, but deep down, you don’t really know what she’s thinking.
Unfortunately, Kate’s father passed away this year, on the same day as Henry and I will get married next year (I just found out the exact date today). We were obviously devastated by the news.
Kate and Paul still got married at city hall 3 weeks after her father’s passing. We were there, and I was honestly surprised to see her looking so radiant. It warmed my heart, because I knew it was a difficult time for her. But since then, we haven’t heard from them.
We sent out our wedding invitations a week ago. Having still not heard from Paul and Kate, I sent them a message. They won’t be coming to our wedding because Kate needs to spend time with her family to mark the first anniversary of her father’s passing.
I completely understand her pain, but I’m quite upset because the date has been set for a long time, and I think she could have given us more notice. I may be an AH, but I think that for a loved one’s wedding, you can make an effort, even if the date is symbolically difficult for the guest.
have lost loved ones myself, but I have never canceled anything the following year on the pretext that someone close to me had died the previous year. I await your judgment; I need outside opinions. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Immediate_Mud_2858 said:
YTA. It’s the first anniversary of her father’s death. That takes precedence over a wedding. They’ve given you lots of notice – 5 months notice. Try and be compassionate towards others.
gabbysway2 said:
YTA. OH, SUCH AN AH. You call her father dying a pretext? How dare you?! It might surprise you but the world does not revolve around you. He may be your cousin but SHE IS HIS WIFE. If no one has told you, wife will always take priority to a cousin. That’s the whole point of marriage.
You are entitled AF. Your wedding should be important to YOU. Life goes on for everyone else. You can invite others to join the celebration but you’re NOT entitled to their attendance and you don’t get to call someone’s grief a pretext for wanting to spend time with their family on the day her father died.
BTW, you’re acting like her father chose that day to die. It doesn’t matter that you chose that date a long time ago. That day will be important for her and her family, which includes your cousin, for the rest of their lives and it has nothing to do with you or your wedding. Grow up.
NotaMillenialatAll said:
Girl, they didn’t reach to you because your wedding is the farthest thing on their minds, she is grieving her father and your cousin is supporting his bride. The world doesn’t revolve around you.
Apprehensive_War9612 said:
You’ve been given 5 months notice! You’re are incredibly self-centered. YTA.
Intelligent_Curve622 said:
YTA. I lost my dad suddenly almost 2 years ago. If anyone invited me to a wedding or any other kind of event on the first anniversary, it would be a big old hell no for me. And if someone pushed, I would no longer be in contact with them. The time spent with my family/remembering my dad is more important than someone else’s event.
InyerPockette said:
YTA all over your post and comments you keep saying you wish they had told you sooner, that they could’ve given you a head’s up etc. First, your wedding is still months away. Second, you literally only sent out invites last week. When exactly would have been acceptable to you?
Telling you now, when they got the invite, is the socially acceptable time. Lastly, you come off entitled, self absorbed, callous, dismissive, judgmental, and condescending. This is woof not a good look. Try gracious and empathetic on for a spin.
UPDATE:
It’s official: we are uninvited to their wedding. All my other cousins received the invitation before Christmas. We didn’t. Henry (M31) and I (F30) wished them a Merry Christmas on our group chat (the 4 of us), but got no response.
So I ended up texting Paul (M26) a few days ago, before New Year’s Eve, to see how they were doing. This is how it went:
Me: Hi Paul, I hope you’re doing well and that you had a good Christmas! I wanted to check in on you and especially on Kate, given the situation… It must not be easy for her and her family, considering the time of year… My thoughts are with her!
Paul (a few days later): Hello OP. Merry Christmas to you too. We’d prefer to cut ties with you for the moment, given your choice of wedding date, which is quite disrespectful. We’ll talk about it later. Bye. I repeat: I had NO IDEA of the exact date, or even the month! I find the answer a little harsh. AITA?
Here’s what people had to about the update:
StormdancerVLDL said:
Just leave your cousin and his wife alone. He didn’t even need to respond.
Evendim said:
Wait, in your last post you said they got married at city hall 3 weeks after her father passed away, and you were there. How can you be uninvited to a wedding you have already attended?
Julie-Question said:
ESH This is very confusing. You chose the date without knowing it was your cousin’s wife’s anniversary. They got mad because you chose a date that was hurtful for them. But why would anyone know the date in which a cousin’s wife’s father passed away?
In your previous post, you tried to make it as if she should be over mourning her dad and should attend your wedding anyway, which you have no right to do and made you the AH. Now your cousin is basically blaming you for something that you had no clue about and uninvited you for their wedding.
All of this is petty. It does sound like your cousin’s wife has something against you. Have you by any chance spoken behind her back about this whole situation? Could it be that this got back to them?
It sounds like you are skipping a lot of details. Were other family members involved? What does your aunt/uncle think? Anyway, just let them be. Don’t stress too much about it. They will have to explain why they didn’t invite you to the rest of the family.
AmbitiousHistorian30 said:
I don’t think you were originally the AH, but now it’s getting closer. Yes, you didn’t make the connection when you set your wedding date. It’s not like changing a date with a venue is easy, and I can see your reasoning for keeping it.
But, they also have the right to not attend and to want space for the time being. By continuously bringing it up, especially with discussing it among the family, you are not respecting their space and grief. Send a gift, offer congratulations, but don’t keep pushing for communication before they are ready.
Shiel009 said:
Let me guess you complained to other family members and they found out you were complaining about them mourning instead of wanting to party at your wedding.
AcanthisittaNo9122 said:
It’s one thing for them not coming, that’s their choice and you were kinda AH there but him telling you that your choice of date is disrespectful? I’ll tell them her birthday is the same day our great great great great grandpa died, she’s so disrespectful to be born that day so she should crawl back into her mom’s womb and crawl out on some other day.
No_Dragonfruit_ said:
3 weeks after her dad passed away she got married but can’t attend a wedding a year after because of grieving….I don’t know what to say…
SECOND UPDATE:
My mother spoke to her sister, Paul’s mother, on the phone. Let’s call her Jane, for the purpose of this post. Jane had no idea about the situation. Apparently, Jane doesn’t like Kate very much..
Jane is disgusted by this situation. She and her husband are still invited to our wedding, but she was completely taken aback, since Henry and I are no longer invited, nor are my parents.
She spoke to her son, Paul. Apparently, we are ‘trash’ because we didn’t respect the date. I repeat: we didn’t know. Jane is more on our side, but doesn’t know what to say. This is getting out of hand. I don’t know what to say… I know I’m the AH, but this is taking a terrible turn for our family.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Araucaria2024 said:
You need to step back now and let this go.
StrongDesign4 said:
Just leave Paul and Kate alone. If they come around, great. If not, don’t stress yourself.
NoZookeepergame9552 said:
YTA – you have been since you set your wedding date 2 weeks before their already announced date! Kate being friendly, but you can’t tell what she is thinking, was probably pissed that you did that as it makes it hard on the mutual family. And then you admit you got competitive with them!
Then you show no awareness by taking her being radiant at the courthouse to mean she was fine, when the whole courthouse thing was likely a response to realizing life is short and not wanting to wait a year to make her legal.
And based on that are pissed rather than empathetic that they declined your invite, when it is just 2 weeks from their own celebration so they are already stressed and likely Kate doesn’t want to watch your Dad walk you down the aisle and share a first dance on the anniversary of her Dad’s death, reminding that her Dad won’t be able to do the same for her in 2 weeks.
.
his level of obliviousness on top of the original slight, when you already don’t like her, for no reason other than she is friendly but reserved, has to feel intentional to Kate. So when you start making drama in the extended family, painting yourself as a victim and Kate as a villain it is no wonder you were uninvited from Kate’s day. Good on Paul for standing up for her.
lorybear96 said:
I was kinda on your side originally, but now… I don’t know. I know you probably do love Paul because he’s your cousin and you two were once really close. And I think that’s what this is. You just miss the close friendship you had with your cousin, but actions have consequences.
Unfortunately, you unknowingly did something to upset his wife which made him upset and feel betrayed by you. And the fact you didn’t apologize after you realized what you did and instead just acted like it’s no big deal, and that didn’t sit well with Paul and his wife.
I know you have your own opinions about Kate. And according to this update, apparently your aunt also doesn’t like her too. But put Kate aside for now.
Is losing a friendship/relationship with your cousin who you were close with growing up worth it over a wedding date? Because, if not… maybe consider rescheduling the wedding to a later date? If you do that, you’ll be showing Paul you’re remorseful.
And if you do choose to do that? Try making a public apology to them as well. Don’t try to reach out to them after that. Let them come to you on their own terms. But if you don’t change the date and continue going down this route… then don’t expect Paul to talk to you again.
DisastrousMachine568 said:
Punishing you for booking a venue on a date you wanted BEFORE her father even died? That is just crazy. How would you know in advance that he would die on this date? So to tell you that you should move your date is disrespect, THEY didn’t move their courthouse wedding did they, which happened three weeks after he died.
Talk about double standard. Doesn’t make sense. You are uninvited, so that tells you to just let it go. Let Them have their wedding, you have your wedding, leave Them be, they have shown you who they are, believe them. Enjoy all those who show up for you and celebrate with you.
Commercial_Ease_2232 said:
I lost my mom exactly one week before Christmas 17 years ago. I was an absolute wreck on the first anniversary. I still grieve for her as if it was yesterday. You need to back off and let it be. I truly don’t think there’s any repairing this rift.
THIRD UPDATE:
I know you all think I’m the AH. You’re right. But I have an update that—personally—makes me “laugh,” and I don’t know what to say anymore. Enjoy, because I have a feeling there will be more!
So apparently, Kate (F28) recently went to pick out her wedding dress for her big night in May, which, I repeat, is 2 weeks after ours. Personally, I chose my wedding dress in Aug 2025. Validated and approved by my fiancé, my ILs (yes, it’s not common, but I wanted them to agree with my choice because I value their opinion), my friends (based on photos), etc.
And pre-paid by my mother at the same time (so still Aug 2025). Even Jane, Paul (M26)’s mother, who wasn’t there during the fittings, loved the dress because my mother had sent her some pictures during their weekly calls. Paul hadn’t seen any of the photos, I’m sure of that (Jane said so and I believe her).
Anyway, from what I heard, Kate tried on wedding dresses this week. She had no idea, but she went to the same store as me (and I didn’t know either). It was really just a coincidence, because she lives much closer to that store than I do.
In my “defense,” this shop was recommended by 3 of my friends who bought their wedding dresses there (no relation to Kate). So I went there several times to accompany my friends, and I always told myself that I would buy my wedding dress there when I got engaged.
Of course, I could have gone elsewhere (and I did; I went to 4 different stores), but I liked this shop best because of the styles they had. I NEVER discussed it with Kate, not even the styles we each wanted.
Soooo Jane was there a few days ago when Kate was trying on dresses, along with Kate’s mum. She tried on several dresses, including one she really liked. She FELL IN LOVE WITH IT.
Jane, feeling a little awkward, said to her, “Careful, Kate, that’s exactly (except for a few details ofc) the dress that OP chose.” Jane showed her the photos my mother had sent. Then again, I had no idea.
According to Jane (still during their weekly calls with my mum), Kate FLIPPED OUT: calling me names, someone who wanted to ruin her marriage. Apparently, she said during the fitting that it was the dress she had always dreamed of wearing with her father. I had NO idea!
At this point, I don’t know what to say. Should I change dresses, even though the deposit had been paid 6 months ago, just because that’s what she wanted? I had no idea; she never mentioned it.
I’m hesitating to cancel the order to keep the peace, but then again, as I mentioned in my last update, it’s complicated… Yes, my mother paid the deposit, but I’ve already made the adjustments on my end.
If I cancel the order, we’ll never get a refund, and I won’t have time to find another dress. I ask you again: am I the AH? For those who are wondering: no, I haven’t contacted Paul or Kate since Christmas. I gave them space, as most of the comments advised me to do.
Here’s what people had to say about the third update:
Minflick said:
NTA – There is no peace to BE kept. She’s mad at the world because her fathers dead, and I doubt much if any of it has a thing to do with you. She’s not being rational at all, and catering to her is only going to make her demands more out of pocket in the future. You do you, and let her….stew.
Ok_Clerk_6960 said:
You’re dealing with next level crazy here. Her father’s death though tragic doesn’t entitle her to privilege or to be treated like bride of the year. You bought your dress 6 months ago. This bridezilla is a drama queen and to be frank she sounds a tad unstable. She’s a wacko!
Keep your dress. DON’T GIVE IN. Don’t change anything about your wedding. You’ve done nothing wrong. Unless you’re psychic you had no way of knowing what your cousin and the nut job he’s marrying were going to do. Congratulations! Enjoy your wedding!
OcelotUsual829 said:
Keep your dress. Your aunt did the right thing letting her know but if it’s the dress she wants and you bought yours first then she can either deal with some people thinking she copied you, which given the 2 week gap any guests at both might think she did or change her dress.
You have done nothing wrong in any of this. You didn’t know when he father passed, from how it reads you picked that date before he passed on so it’s crazy to think that you should change your wedding date.
They have a right to not come, but if they’d gracefully been like bad timing but Kate wouldn’t be able to manage her grief and didn’t want to upset your wedding by being destroyed with her sadness and promised to make it up to you later…
…and kept you in their wedding it would be fine but they chose to have a meltdown and burn bridges. You can’t fix this they are at the smoking ruins of the bridges they burnt with more gasoline. Have your wedding and try and put them out of mind.
cultoftwinkies said:
If it really was the dress she’d always dreamed of wearing then she wouldn’t have been dress shopping and trying on multiple dresses. She’s just mad that you picked one first.
Ok_Young1709 said:
Why are you still bothered by this? They aren’t even coming to your wedding. If she wants to be nuts about a dress, let her. Just move on, ignore them, have your wedding, and live your life.
Jaded-Permission-324 said:
NTA. Just disconnect, and don’t waste time worrying about her craziness.
Stormtomcat said:
Reading all your posts in one go, I feel you’re being disingenuous with this story. Paul and Kate got engaged before you, and set their wedding date before you. Then you and Henry got engaged, and chose a date that was 2 weeks before Paul’s wedding date…
Supposedly the cousin you’re super close to. And you’ve mentioned that a sense of competition quickly developed. Stop fanning the flames by running to Jane all the time.
