AITAH for being upset over my mother’s vacation leaving me to deal with my grandmother?
I [20F] am upset with my mother [50f] for going on a vacation out of state leaving me with my grandmother who’s almost 80.
Now, before I continue I want to start this off by saying a few things and answer questions I have a feeling may be asked. I do believe that my mother deserves a vacation, she works hard and a high stress job (nurse) while I pretty much stay at home and do nothing but check on my Grandmother (I call her Memere) while she’s at work. I live with her and my grandmother for free without much expectation. I’m aware I have it easy, and no we’re far from rich and I do need a job, I just need to get a license first so I can drive (Trauma prevented me from driving for a while and yes I know I need to get my life together. Working on it). Pepere dies years ago which is why Memere lives with us. No I don’t have a father who could help, he left me and my mother years ago and ditched me completely for the Steps. I believe to this day he left because I have Borderline Personality Dosorder (will be relevant with my behavior)
On February 4th, my mother, Memere and I were watching bridgerton for the first time because of my only friends recommendation. Out of no where my Memere had issues breathing, she was barely responsive and delirious and was hallucinating. So I called 911 as my mother tried to keep her awake, she’s a nurse so it was better she dealt with her. The paramedics came and took her away.
She spent days in the hospital, I visited with my mother every day. Turns out Memere had a UTI (can make old people crazy like hallucinations, delirium and confusion), anemia, a hemoglobin of (I think around 5?) and the major issues, major blood clots in both lungs. The first day in the hospital Memere was combative and mean towards female staff but was sweet with male staff. Go figures. Eventually after a few days she mellowed out somewhat but was and still is very sick. Still hallucinating, confused and delirious but was good enough for us to take home a little over a week ago.
A day or two after we got Memere home my mother pulled me aside and told me she was leaving two days later with her boyfriend Jay (fake name) for a week and that I would have to stay home and take care of Memere. Mind you I do not like Jay at all. I was upset. Very upset and said some mean things I am not proud of. Because what if something bad happened to Memere? What Memere’s heart stopped because of the clots? I’m not a nurse, I’m not anything. I am NOT equipped to deal with an old lady who has those health issues.
I told my mother it wasn’t a good idea, that I wasn’t ready on such short notice to handle Memere on my own. Because it’s not just Memere I’d have to take care of but her 2 senior dogs and the two cats I already take care of and every household chore. My mother told me that I’m “family” and that it’s MY job to take care of her. I told her I wasn’t Memere’s daughter and that SHE was, and that I am not a caregiver. If something bad would have happened I DONT know CPR, or any of that stuff.
I felt abandoned and was overwhelmed and was feeling everything at once. I was having an anxiety attack overthinking everything that could go wrong, feeling dread, anger, resentment, and just every bad emotion all at once and said some shitty things I’m not proud of. I was very mean with it which I do regret because it was all heat of the moment and I was feeling everything at once. And not even 10 minutes after the argument I just felt emptiness.
She went on the vacation anyways and left almost 7 days ago. A few days ago she texted me on how I was doing. I was overwhelmed. I’ve been juggling dishes, laundry, handling my Memere’s emotional outbursts and random crying fits because she kept forgetting mom was on vacation, her being in pain and not knowing what the hell I’m supposed to give her for it, dealing with Memere’s hallucinations of people in the house (which freaks me the fuck out every time), feeding her and the 2 dogs and cats, letting the dogs out and in, the litter box daily for the cats. I had no help.
So when my mom asked how we were doing I texted her what I just said basically. She told me ‘welcome to being an adult’. And that set me off and I texted her this exactly
Me: Being an adult doesn’t mean taking care of elderly. Being an adult is me doing the dishes and my clothes and a few things here and there. Not being a fucking hospice center for one patient who isn’t even my mom. Usually it’s their children who take care of their parents when they can’t. Not their grandchildren. So I guess only one of us is being the adult by your standards this week
(Yeah I know it was possibly uncalled for but she caught me at a bad time (I was having a stress breakdown, and yeah I know not an excuse but fuck I was exhausted)) and then all my mom had to say was ‘wow’. And that set me off again
Me: I’m stressed out. I’m allowed to be upset that I’m not getting any help. I feel like I’m suffocating or like I’m drowning. For the first time in a long time I’ve had that stupid fucking urge to [not saying old bad self destructive habits on Reddit]. It’s bad. But I didn’t. And I won’t but I hate this feeling. And you’re having no sympathy for me when I’m trying my fucking best. I look for comfort in talking to you and all I got was a “welcome to being an adult”.
My mother was defensive after that and started comparing the work she’s done for us compared to what I’ve been doing while she was on vacation. I felt invalidated and ignored her for a few hours. She did eventually text that she was proud of me and what not after her own rant. And then I’ve just been feeling guilty for the way I talked to her. Yeah I’m mad at her for leaving at such a bad time and leaving me to care for Memere on my own. I did apologize thoroughly but did maintain the fact I didn’t believe she should have dumped all that on me so soon because Memere still has blood clots and is on medication but still. Anything can go wrong.
Things got a bit better with us in our text exchange but turns out the vacation isn’t going good for her because her boyfriend jay is not good enough for her or mature enough for her in my eyes. Fucking hate that guy. And as much as I hate to admit it I do feel a bit of Schadenfreude because I knew a week straight with him and his friends would end up in my mother being miserable. I warned her before the vacation (he’s performative with his friends and sides with them over my mother, tends to ignore my mother and what not. Part of why they broke up years ago but the guy weaseled his way into her life and unfortunately mine. Only good thing I have to say about him is he makes good food and his daughter is chill)
So, Reddit, AITAH? I truly don’t know if I am or am not. If I am, I’ll make it up to my mother and idk, maybe make her a painting or get her a gift. Also sorry for the long post.
