“My [23F] boyfriend [23M] of 3 years is using Tinder, claiming to be ‘looking for friends and hangouts.'”
A (single) friend called me a couple of days ago asking me if I knew that Dave (bf) was using Tinder, despite being with me for the last 3 years, and living together and happily planning an engagement. I was distraught, knowing what tinder is and what it is used for, I was heartbroken.
She goes on to tell me that his Bio says he’s “Looking to make some new, exciting and fun friends and looking to hangout. Willing to travel a little if there’s enough excitement involved!”
His pictures do not include me, despite 9/10 pictures ever taken of either of us for the last three years having the two of us together in them. One of his pictures is him at the beach, shirtless and a tiny man thong I got him as a joke. He cropped me out of the image.
I brought this up to him, and he laughed it off, saying that 1: my best friend of 11 years is a ‘nosy b-word’ and that 2: he’s entitled to seek friends and be social, even if it is with complete strangers. Basically he completely invalidated my points and made me feel guilty for being upset by this, playing it off like I am being possessive.
Since then I’ve avoided bringing it up and just tried to get over it. He hasn’t been out and about any more than usual so it doesn’t look like he has any ‘takers’ yet, but this is just not sitting right with me. I’m upset and feeling betrayed, and I don’t know how to put my point across without him invalidating it or guilting me.
What can I do? Am I in the wrong for not being OK with this? I do not want to throw away three years over something that might be ME being silly.
TL;DR: Boyfriend of 3yrs using a notorious dating and casual hookup app to “look for friends” with suspicious bio and pics.
This is what people had to say to OP:
[deleted] said:
From my experience, Tinder is not about friends. I have never heard of anyone using Tinder for anything but hookups. That said, let’s get reddit’s consensus before we make a decision. Maybe a ton of people use Tinder as a friend finder and you and I just don’t know it yet! If it’s a common practice, I’d let it go. Like you said, his actual behavior hasn’t changed yet.
If no one has heard of using Tinder as a friend finder before, I’d have a serious chat with him about it. I’d say it all depends on the consensus.
constanceblackwood12 said:
Is he allowed to seek friends and be social? Sure. But “why are you using a notorious dating/casual hookup app to make new friends” is a TOTALLY VALID question.
Even if, for some strange reason, he is genuinely only looking to make friends on Tinder, his profile is incredibly misleading to other people on Tinder, which means that he’s going to hurt a lot of innocent people’s feelings and cause a lot of awkward conversations if he’s not upfront and honest.
Me personally, I would say that he can keep the Tinder account if:
1.) He changes his profile to include the fact that he has a fiance.
2.) At least one of his pictures includes said fiance.
3.) If he does decide to communicate with anybody from the site, he tells said fiance.
But TBH he will probably refuse to do those three things, which is pretty suspicious.
And thegdorf said:
Your fiance is looking to cheat. Period. No one honest claims to use Tinder exclusively for “finding friends”. Yes, some people do end up making friends using it, but that is a side-effect of looking for physical intimacy.
The fact his pictures include only him, and do not mention you at all is a pretty clear indication that’s what is happening. “Willing to travel a little if there’s enough excitement involved!” is not something you say to random friends you’re looking to make.
OP later shared this first update:
Firstly, thank all of you for all of your perspectives and advice in this quite frankly disgusting situation I’ve found myself in.
I decided I’d play dirty as someone suggested and made a tinder profile, pretending to be a friend (with her permission!) whom he does not know. I hit on him. He reciprocated and made plans to meet with ‘me’ at a nearby coffee shop that we occasionally date at, minutes after making ‘my’ intentions clear. Wow.
In about 20 minutes he’ll be headed out to go and meet ‘me’ and I’ll be packing up his shit ready for him to leave when he gets back. House is my families, he has no rights to any of it. I deserve better.
OP later shared this second update:
He sat at the coffee place waiting for ‘her/me’ for over an hour in the hopes to meet my, to be honest, gorgeous friend. Obviously she didn’t show up. Shortly after he left I called my dad to explain, and I must have sounded pretty distraught because he came over without me asking.
Dave came home to his clothes packed up by the door. He came in yelling “what the hell is this?” and, unbeknownst to him, my dad was sat by me on the sofa and responded on my behalf, telling him in no certain words to get his filthy unfaithful ass out of his house. I am glad he did. I think my dad knows I’m timid and prone to being pushed about.
His face dropped when he pieced it together and without a word he 180’d and grabbed his bags. I know he has places he can stay, and family nearby, so I’m not worried about him having no place to sleep.
This is going to hurt for a long time, but I can never forgive that kind of breach of trust. I’m not the type of person to move past it. I’ll allow him back to collect his pieces of furniture and such in a week or so when he is situated, but that’s as far as seeing him again goes. I am also dreading a phone call from his mother, whom I love dearly. She’ll be heartbroken too. Welp, bye bye three years. Eff you Dave! :’)
