“My brother is being vague about wedding plans.”
Hey! I don’t know where else to go so I’m writing here and hoping to stay anonymous as possible. I (33F) moved abroad, more than a 10 hour flight from my hometown / most of my family and on another continent.
In July, I had some tensions with my twin brother, nothing serious but we didn’t really speak to each other, and following that he got engaged to his girlfriend of four years. I made a trip home in November and saw him, there was no animosity and I even asked if I should stay my final night at his place since he’s near the airport – which he immediately agreed to but in the end it didn’t pan out —
I wasn’t comfortable taking all my luggage and a small child on the train – but I’m emphasizing the point there wasn’t any hard feelings or anything around it. Instant yeses, lots of love, nothing unusual in fact.
Me and my brother love each other and we may bicker or go radio silent but it is never anything serious. In November, to my face he says he didn’t have a wedding date, they were thinking end summer (which I took to mean third week of September) and he specifically said don’t book anything travel wise.
Later, I get a text from a family member saying they will see me on August 22nd. I did à double take and asked if they are sure that the date is set, they informed me they were told this specific date was penciled in. So tentative, but not in ink. I got back to my brother but he didn’t respond.
As flights for me are going to be expensive no matter what, and I will have to find childcare (since I was told it’s a childfree wedding) there is a big difference in September flight prices and August. But now my brother isn’t responding to my messages, and I’m asking for clarification on if I’m invited and what dates are as travel cost is only going to go up for me.
He hasn’t responded and I’m not sure what to do, I get the feeling that he will wait until travel is too expensive to invite me, so it looks like I’m the one who refused. Until now there has been no question that I’d be invited and I have made it clear I’ll make the trip for him.
Also, I have a feeling the bride doesn’t want me there, she certainly made a point to separate us when they came to visit because I literally would look at my brother and just laugh, without instigation, because we are just deliriously happy and goofy and ridiculous around each other.
I know its odd for those who witness and friends have said its like we are “in our own world” so I can respect the bride not wanting me there. If it would make her special day all the more special if I were not there I’m happy to accommodate (and save money by not traveling to a wedding where I’m not wanted) but the mixed signals and silence is throwing me off a bit here.
He knows my ticket is going to become unaffordable if they wait until June or July to invite me. So what should I do ? Am I overthinking this ? Any help is appreciated.
This is what people had to say to OP:
Sunny-Damn said:
Have you actually called him? Texting is great but phone calls are better… If you can’t get a response from him then talk to your mom/dad. Call the bride to be… If all of that fails then send your brother a final text…
“Hey, I have tried every possible way to confirm your wedding date with no success. Person X says it will be August 22nd, but I need to hear it from you. At this point it feels as though I am not wanted at the wedding, if that’s true it’s okay but, please tell me. If I am invited to the wedding I need to know soon.
If I wait too long I will not be able to afford the plane tickets to attend. This is my last attempt at getting confirmation. If I don’t hear from you I will not be attending. This is not my choice, but due to the circumstances it will be the end result. I hope to hear from you soon!”
And SportySue60 said:
Pick up the phone and actually call him. Texting is great for some things but things like this a phone call is better! If after calling he either doesn’t pick up or doesn’t call you back then that lets you know that you aren’t invited.
Your other option which is what I would do because I’m snarky this was is I would figure out what the most expensive flight would be start saving and then when he does call say great I will book a flight asap. You know as a bit of a screw you!
OP’s response to a commenter asking if the bride is jealous of OP:
I don’t think she is jealous, at least I hope not – but I am essentially a broke farmer type, or like – stay at home mom who has a horse business that just covers my own horse expenses type thing, and she on the other hand makes a ton of money working remote and traveling all over and isnt shy about it, even calling herself “moneybags” jokingly.
But when they were here she for sure had a problem with my brother and I’s closeness, and I hate that because I can’t perceive it but even friends have said they felt excluded because of it.
Whatever it is, is because we are twins – not because we nurture or even try to have a good relationship, we hated each other most of the time but also like oddly would always show up dressed in matching colors and other weird quirks like that.
But she magically got over her carsickness and no longer needed to ride in front at the tail end of a six hour road trip because me and my twin were laughing to tears, I can’t even remember what about because sometimes just a look or nod is enough to send me
Eight days later, OP shared this update:
So my (35F) twin (35M) is getting married. In October, while I was in my home country, to my face he said “We are thinking end summer, don’t plan anything or buy tickets”
I’m à 10hr flight away on another continent. But that same time, parents were saying it’s August 22nd. Now I’m still hearing it’s August 22nd and that of course I’m included but I have no news from the couple. It’s been recommended I buy a flexible ticket for August 22nd but at this point, as I’m not invited, I didn’t see why to get a ticket.
Ill get huge backlash if I’m not there, honestly probably disowned. I get the feeling I’m not welcome – but that they will wait I until prices are ridiculous so it seems like its my fault for not going. I have called, left voicemails, iMessages, etc.
I don’t have a way to group chat and include everyone on one app because I don’t have social media, but it wouldn’t help anyway because if I go to my parents they will tell me to figure it out between us –
he has kinda been the golden child and already I told my mom and sent her the screenshots and she said “He is busy living his life” and my dad told me not to put pressure on them since they are planning a wedding and it’s already stressful.
