“WIBTAH if I don’t attend to my friend’s baby shower because they said my pregnancy was an accident and that I didn’t deserve it?”
When I was pregnant with my first child two years ago, I had a really heavy feeling that I had to keep my pregnancy journey quite discreet because two of my friends (they are married) had difficulties with infertility. When my fiance and I were expecting it was obvious that they were hurt and that after each encounter with us they would cry themselves to sleep.
So whenever we were together, I wouldn’t bring up the pregnancy or even all of the great new thrills I was living. I don’t have much friends so it hurt me inside a lot not to be able to appreciate the moment as much but I didn’t wanted to hurt them just because baby was existing inside me.
But they talked to other friends of ours and said awful things such as : -“The child was an accident” (It wasn’t, I prepared my body for everything and it “just” happened on the first try.) -“They don’t deserve a child as much as us” (I literally waited my entire life just to begin my own family since mine was broken since even before my birth.)”
I remember to cry myself to sleep several times thinking about them also because I always daydreamed about our children growing up together (whether they adopt or use other medical options) but they were just mean.
I always tried to calm my fiance down by telling him that they are hurt and that they don’t actually mean it — but it still hurt and once confronted they still didn’t actually apologized. Thing that I don’t forget.
When we introduced baby to our friend group for the first time. (It wasn’t at home) They never acknowledged it. Not even a “Hello Baby”. They just straight up acted as if it never existed. That night I cried again. The next time they brought a gift but they never actually said sorry.
Anyway, now the couple are expecting (maybe twins — they had an insemination). They told us first. I hugged them gave them a small gift I’ve prepared for this day (baby clothes and stuff ) because I consider myself their friend and congratulated them.
Now I have this sinking feeling inside because all the things I didn’t get to do wholeheartedly because it was hurting them they’ll celebrate it publicly and loudly (They love to show themselves.) I know that it’s my fault for not celebrating as much as I should’ve but they were really hurt and it hurt me just as much. So now I’m just thinking about not going to their baby shower when it’s going to come up.
Not out of a petty move but because I’ll be extremely hurt. I’ve learned to stand a bit more my ground so I know that I’ll tell them my reasons one way or another but I feel bad because I’m supposed to support them as a friend. So AITA if I don’t attend their baby shower because they said my pregnancy was an accident and that I didn’t deserve it?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
chartyourway wrote:
NTA. Those aren’t your friends. It’s time to find true friends who celebrate your milestones with you and don’t make you feel awful for them. Let not attending their baby shower be the “major catalyst” that ruins the friendship. (I say major catalyst in quotes because while it will seem like an authentically egregious slip-up to them, it is actually your purposeful plan.)
CheckIntelligent7828 wrote:
NTA. This person isn’t your friend. So you are completely relieved from going. I wouldn’t ghost them, but I would disengage and if they ask why you tell them like an adult. Their behavior was abysmal and cruel, they said awful things about your baby, and you’ve realized life is too short to have friends who treat you like an enemy.
Fwiw, my husband I battled infertility for 20+ years. We never succeeded, even using a surrogate. It is excruciatingly painful to see everyone getting what you want most. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.But that doesn’t mean you get to export your pain onto other people.
I avoided some baby showers, skipped Christmas with extended family once, but never, ever did I think another couple that I was supposedly friends with didn’t deserve their joy. I greeted and gifted and cared for their children for what they were – little, perfect versions of people I love.
Actually, the more miscarriages I had the happier I was for people I love that they weren’t in my shoes. In my eyes, your “friend” ended this friendship when you were pregnant, it’s been a zombie friendship ever since.
Dear-Appeal-7007 wrote:
I had problems with fertility, 2 years, 6 miscarriages and 6 rounds of chlomid to have my first. My best friend fell pregnant. Was i upset? Of course I was, but she was my friend and I was happy for her! I was truly happy! I could never have treated my friend the way your “friends” treated you! As it turned out for me our kids did grow up together I fell pregnant the following month 🥳
ditzy091313 wrote:
Sweetheart, I’m so sorry to say these people are not your friends. I understand if you have been friends for years. That usually makes people feel like they don’t want to “throw away” that relationship. But if it is causing you heartache, it’s time to reevaluate these friendships.
Because…friends DO NOT make you feel like you have to make yourself small. They celebrate you and your milestones. If a certian topic hits them some certian kind of way, they TALK TO YOU, no behind your back. Kinda like you all share eachothers highs and lows.
How about this; you take a step back and see how life feels with some distance between you and them? This might help you come to a decision about attending the shower or not. My opinion: You would NOT be the AH!!!!! As far a being a new mom and maybe feeling alone, you could try to find some mommy and me type program, neighborhood parenr groups, etc and see if that helps.
Firm-Psychology-2243 wrote:
Those aren’t your friends. Friends don’t want you to be miserable with them or resent your life milestones. I have several friends who have had fertility struggles and every single one was happy for me when I got pregnant (first try) and one is throwing my baby shower. NTA – find people who lift you up.
International-Fee255 wrote:
Darling, these people are not your friends. You can be happy for someone and sad for yourself at the same time. They talked behind your back and made you feel bad for being happy. Make new friends, you don’t need people like this. Friends make you feel good and add to our life, they don’t make you ashamed to enjoy your happy moments. NTA.
