AITAH for wanting to divorce my husband because I feel neglected and deprioritized?
I (33M) have been married to my husband (36M) for two years. We’re both gay men and have an open relationship. From the beginning, we agreed that honesty, communication, and prioritizing our marriage would always come first.
I recently discovered that some of his “work trips” were actually planned meetups with people he’s been sleeping with. I know this for certain. While the openness itself isn’t the problem for me, the lack of honesty is. What’s harder to process is realizing that he was willing to put time, energy, and planning into those meetups while our relationship at home continued to feel more and more empty.
Over the past year, he’s become increasingly distant. He rarely initiates affection, doesn’t check in emotionally, and often seems disengaged when we’re together. I want to be clear that this isn’t mainly about sex. I’m not expecting constant physical intimacy. What I’m struggling with is the absence of effort, presence, and basic emotional connection.
I’ve tried to bring this up calmly on multiple occasions. I’ve asked if something is wrong, if he’s unhappy, or if there’s something we could work on together. I’ve suggested couples counseling. At one point, he did start individual therapy. After some sessions, he came back and acknowledged that he knows he’s distant, understands how it affects me, and apologized. He said he wants to be better and work on it.
Unfortunately, despite those conversations, nothing has changed in a lasting way. If anything, the distance has slowly increased.
We have access to each other’s devices, so things technically aren’t secret. However, he often seems to forget what he’s said to people, and I notice inconsistencies. At this point, it honestly feels like it would be easier if we didn’t have access at all, because seeing these things only reinforces how differently he talks about our relationship depending on who he’s speaking to.
When I talk about feeling neglected, I’m often told I’m overreacting or that I don’t understand how open relationships work. I’ve also learned that he discusses our conflicts with people he hooks up with and presents me as insecure or difficult, which feels especially painful. Instead of addressing issues with me directly, it feels like he’s building a narrative where I’m the problem.
I want to be clear that I’m not trying to bash him or paint him as a villain. I’m simply describing patterns I’ve consistently experienced and observed.
At this point, I don’t feel like an equal partner anymore. I feel more like a background presence in his life rather than someone he’s actively choosing.
Because of this, I’m considering divorce. Not out of anger or spite, but because I don’t see a path forward where I feel valued, respected, and emotionally safe in this marriage.
He says I’m being dramatic and that I’m giving up too easily on something “good.”
So AITAH for wanting a divorce and calling it quits?
