AITAH for choosing my wife over my mom?
I (32M) have been married to my wife (33F) for 5 years.. I lost my dad when I was 16.. I’m an only child. Life was rough after he passed but my mom is one of the strongest women I know. I was shattered and she held everything together.. I love her more than anything
I met my wife in first year of college.. we’ve basically grown up together. she’s my world.. right now, the three of us live together in our apartment.. my mom is getting older and needs care and I feel lucky that I have the two most important women in my life under one roof
Both my wife and I have good careers. we’re ambitious and doing well..and yes, we don’t have a child..that’s a conscious decision. I’m okay either way, I love kids and would love to have one someday but my wife doesn’t want one right now…maybe not ever.. we’ve had long conversations about it.. I have never forced her.. it’s her body. she’s at the peak of her career.. she says she doesn’t feel ready for motherhood and doesn’t know if she ever will… I respect that
The issue is my mom desperately wants a grandchild
For the past year she’s been emotionally pushing. Subtle comments. “you’ll understand when you have your own.” “don’t wait too long” “women regret it later” i kept brushing it off, hoping it would fade
two days ago we had guests over who brought their kids..after they left, my mom looked at my wife and said, “You can’t even give me one grandchild? Isn’t that what women are meant to do? Your biological clock is already expiring”
My wife immediately said “isn’t it my decision whether I want to have a child?”
It turned into a heated argument. I stepped in and told my mom “please stop forcing us.. it’s her decision.. whatever she decides is final.. you don’t get to talk to her like that”
I won’t lie-my tone was harsh. i’ve never raised my voice at my mom before.. ever… i’ve always been respectful.but this time I snapped.. I’d been ignoring these comments for a year and hearing her question my wife’s worth as a woman just broke something in me…
Now my mom hasn’t spoken to me in two days. The house feels tense..I feel guilty for shouting at the woman who sacrificed everything for me… But I also feel like if I hadn’t stepped in, I would’ve failed my wife. my mom hasn’t been eating well and mentioned she wants to move out
AITAH for losing my temper and shouting on my old mom like this?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Ok_Temporary8816 wrote:
YTA only for the fact you say you’ve been ignoring these comments for a year, man up and stick up for the wife more please. Your mom felt she could say this stuff because you kept giving an inch and giving an inch, so she decided it was time to take a mile.
Little_Bear_268 wrote:
NTA. Your wife isn’t an incubator. Your mom crossed a line. Wanting grandkids is fine. Shaming a woman for not providing them isn’t.
OP responded:
Thank you. Honestly, I get wanting grandchildren, she mentions many times that she wants to live my childhood again through my children. It makes me emotional how much she loves me…I really understand it. But shaming my wife over it…NOT ACCEPTABLE. I’ve never raised my voice at my mom before but this time…I couldn’t hold back.
Rumpelteazer45 wrote:
ESH except your wife – You should have shut it down at the first comment. You should have handled it a long time ago. That is YOUR family to deal with. Instead you let it go which only made YOUR mother more emboldened to keep harassing your wife and you let it happen.
Your mom was questioning your wife’s “worth” and you let it slide. Imagine what she said to your wife when you weren’t around this entire time. You owe your wife an apology instead of running to Reddit to see if you are TA at yelling at your mom.
Tanjential_Woon wrote:
I do actually think ESH (except your wife). Where this is your mom and you indicate you have a close relationship, you shouldn’t have waited a year and until you’re ready to snap to address this issue. You should have had a mature conversation with her a long time ago.
Consciousstaff7150 wrote:
It sounds like you’ve been patient for a long time, but sometimes people need to hear the truth. You didn’t shout out of nowhere, it was a buildup. Your wife’s feelings are important, and you’re protecting that. I hope your mom comes to understand that your relationship is the priority now.
theworldisonfire8377 wrote:
Good for you for defending your wife. It’s too bad you let your mother bully your wife for a year before you spoke up. But it’s better than nothing. Definitely NTA, your wife is not an incubator, and your mother isn’t the one raising the child she wants you two to have so badly. Continue to stick up for your wife, your mother is 100% in the wrong here.
IllustratorSlow1614 wrote:
YTA. Not for finally choosing your wife, but for allowing this nonsense go on for a year without challenging your mother and also for blatantly letting your mother know that the reason you don’t have children is because it’s your wife’s decision rather than a joint marital decision you made together.
You just showed your mother the crack she could use to put pressure on the two of you and break your marriage up in the hope that maybe the next woman in your life will allow herself to be bullied just so she can get the grandchild she wants. Does your mother really need to live with you? If I was your wife I would be wanting her out.
She can be cared for somewhere else. Even if your wife did decide to have a child, raising one with your mother around would be a nightmare. She sounds like the kind of grandma who would undermine the parents at every turn. You have been a good son. But it’s made you a poor husband. You do have to choose
