“WIBTAH if I told my cousin I don’t want her 3 year old daughter to wear a dress that matches my wedding dress to my wedding?”
My fiancé (30m) and I (31f) got engaged two years ago after a 10-year relationship. It took us a while to get here because for the first five years of our relationship I was in university and then we had some other struggles that got in the way of moving towards this step. But here we are and we’re getting married in June!
Ideally, I would’ve liked to elope but we have a very tight-knit social circle and given the length of our relationship, everyone has been looking forward to this event for many years and we didn’t feel like we could let our friends and family down by not celebrating in a big(er) way. We plan a small camping wedding with a garden formal dress code and under 50 guests.
The wedding will generally be child-free. I debated this a lot. We love children and have many guests on our list with small children (under 10). I would’ve lover to have them all but that would put us at past our maximum guest count for the venue and we don’t really have the budget to include them, either.
I spoke to the parents and many of our guests agreed that they would prefer to leave their kids at home and enjoy our weekend wedding without the hassle of having to watch their kids, so that worked out in our favour.
I say “generally” because we are inviting one child: my cousin’s 3-year old daughter (let’s call her Mia). There are a few reasons this decision was made. Firstly, she is our only “family child” so far. Both of us come from families of immigrants and we don’t have a lot of extended family we’re close with as a result.
I am the first to get married in my immediate family and my fiancé is the first to get married in his immediate family. We don’t have any nieces or nephews other than Mia and I love her very much and want her to be present. Her mom, my cousin (let’s call her Lily) and her husband moved to a different province a year ago when Mia was a little over 1 year old.
Because they will be coming out of town and Lily’s mom (my aunt) is also invited and will be coming to the wedding, they will have very limited babysitting options, as well, and I don’t want to force them into a situation where they have to look for a babysitter or have a stranger babysit my niece. I would much rather they bring her and we make this one exception for them.
Here is where the issue came up… If I can even call it that. I have been terrified of being a bridezilla and have been trying very hard not to be, so I could really use other people’s perspective on this. Today my mom told me that my aunt, Lily’s mom, has asked to see my wedding dress so that they can get a dress for Mia that matches as she will be “the only child at the wedding”. My immediate reaction was very negative.
Here are a few things that might be important for context:
1.) Mia will not be the flower girl. We decided to skip the flower girl and ring-bearer and only have a bridal party.
2.) I have no problems with a 3-year old wearing a white dress or a white dress with a pattern, I’m not crazy enough to think she’ll “steal the show” on my wedding day. But I don’t want her to match with me.
If Mia was my child, I think this would’ve been very very cute, but she is not my child and I don’t think it’s right for her to match me. I think it would be very cute if she and her mom wore matching outfits, but I don’t see what I have to do with it and why Mia being the only child present at the wedding warrants her matching with the bride.
3.) My problem is not with Mia. I want to make this very clear. However, Lily does have a tendency to try and draw attention towards herself sometimes and I think this is more of the same. I do think a lot of this behavior is mostly subconscious or just a little… tact-less without realizing that it is. I don’t think there is any malice to it but it can get a bit annoying.
For example, when Mia was 1, my older sister had a small get together for her birthday. Lily and her husband went shopping right before coming to the birthday and she bought a beautiful dress from Anthropolgie – NOT for the birthday, just for herself. Half way through the birthday, Lily decided that it would be ok to try the dress on and, to be fair, she did look very beautiful in it.
She then proceeded to do a mini photoshoot in her new dress with Mia in the garden… My sister didn’t say anything but it was obvious she was peeved. It was not appropriate behavior in my opinion but again, we didn’t think it was done maliciously and we let things go. So when I say my problem is not with Mia, I mean it. But Lily and her husband do have a tendency to try to draw attention to themselves a little bit.
They are also the kind of parents that can act a bit like they are the only people in the world that “created the miracle of life” and that there is no better or smarter child than theirs. Which is probably not necessarily a bad thing for the child (parents are supposed to love their children), but can be a bit annoying sometimes.
I should also add that I don’t have children so maybe this is natural for good, responsible parents to think and feel this way… However, I think this plays into the whole “Mia will be the only child in the wedding” idea and it’s just a little annoying.
4.) I don’t see why I should show my dress to anyone who asks for it. I’m not especially secretive but I’m VERY serious about my fiancé not seeing my dress ahead of the wedding day and I would like to keep eyes on it to a minimum until the big day.
I’m also planning to do a first look with my brother and father and the groomsmen (not the groom – he’ll see me for the first time walking down the isle!) so I’m keeping the dress under wraps for the most part.
So, am I overreacting? Would I be the AH if I tell my cousin I’m not showing her the dress and I don’t want my niece to match me at my wedding? Is this going too far into bridezilla territory? Am I crazy for feeling this way?
P.s. my fiancé overheard my mom telling me this and he also thought it was a little out of line. He knows my cousin and her family so that might also colour his opinion of the situation.
This is what people had to say to OP:
Specific_Two1232 said:
Don’t send any pictures. A baby dress should be babyish, not bridal. Plus the baby’s mother will know exactly what kind of dress she would need to buy to be “seen”. She might copy your style “inadvertently”.
Reinvented-Daily said:
If your really want to make out so it doesn’t happen, but the baby a dress that you want them to wear “special”. Lay it on thick and tell everyone you you baby your dress special for the wedding/ pictures, make sure everyone knows so that if lily pulls bs everyone gets mad at her.
Ok-Writing8943 said:
NTA. Your aunt and cousin are weird as hell. Do not show your wedding dress.
ETA make sure NO ONE can get at the dress, these people sound sketchy
millennialfail said:
Lily is going to dress in white, I’m convinced lol
OP later shared this update:
Thank you everyone who replied. I just really needed the reassurance I’m not crazy in my take of this and that it would be ok not to show my dress to anyone I don’t want to show it to.
I told my mom to keep the dress under wraps and not show it to anyone (she’s storing it for me so my fiance doesn’t get a glimpse of it). I trust that she will do as I ask. To clarify, no one ever talked to me about this directly and in talking to my mom some more it sounds like this was mostly coming from my aunt. My aunt is a little weird so this is not surprising.
I’ll be on the lookout for a dress for Mia, not even so much to avoid this whole situation but just because it’s a hella cute idea I haven’t thought of before. Her birthday is in May and I usually send her a gift anyway, so might as well add a cute dress to it if I find something I like for her!
I likely won’t have another update, unless sh!t hits the fan in an unexpected way. Thank you for the reassurance and opinions, I really needed it ❤️
