“Partner (M27) got a promotion at the same company I (F30) work at and I’m feeling like it’s hard to celebrate him.”
I feel like the post makes it sound like I’m being unsupportive but I’m not sure what to do. My (F30) boyfriend (M27) and I both work at the same company. We’ve been together for 2 years. We are both engineers in comparable roles, except I’ve been there 6 years and he’s been there 3.5.
About my side: After getting 5/5 stars on all reviews for the last 5 years, I had a leadership change that took away my chances of promotion. The lead is a person that is very known to push people under the bus to get ahead, so I was forced to move to another team with a great lead but less growth opportunity.
I tried to talk to my partner a few times about how frustrating this was because I was missing out on an opportunity I was pretty guaranteed otherwise. Not only did he brush me off, he started playing devils advocate immediately, going as far as openly questioning if I was deserving of a promotion in the first place.
He actually called me entitled. He and I don’t work together and he has no frame of reference for what I do. His reviews in comparison are generally 3/5. As engineers we do similar enough work that I know that our time, energy, and complexity of projects is very comparable.
Today he just called me and told me that he got promoted into the same position that I was supposed to get, (but different org) and told me he wanted to go celebrate with me. He’s been at the company for half the amount of time I have, and in the same position is now making over 30% more than I am. I’m seriously happy for him, but at no point did he think that I might be upset.
I’m not jealous, really, I’m upset by the lack of empathy on his part for either situation. The vibe I’m getting is that when he gets it it’s deserved, but when I don’t get it it’s because I’m not good enough. This lack of empathy exists all over in our relationship.
Not sure if this matters, but more context for us ladies: my company has about 6% women in the engineering portion, and I don’t know a single one that has gotten a promotion without having to fight for it or threaten to leave.
I speak up for myself at like a man would when asking for raises, etc. The lead that I was put under is known for being condescending, especially towards women. I tried to tell my partner this but he brushed me off like I was making an excuse.
Question: How do I be supportive but also let him know that I deserve to be supported? I don’t want to take away his excitement, but I feel like he didn’t see or hear me at all when I voiced my frustrations. Would really like some advice on how to handle the situation. I feel like an AH girlfriend, which is why I’m asking here and not talking to him about it.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
els-the-world wrote:
I can’t see any reason why a man of his age would not be aware that women in engineering, and in wider society, face barriers which men don’t. If he grew up on planet Earth, there is no excuse for him. Unless he was willing to undergo a rapid education in reality, I could not be with someone that blind and selfish.
OP responded:
I keep trying to tell him stuff like this and give him acute examples and it’s like he can’t hear me. He’s a really nice guy otherwise but he can’t seem to put himself into my shoes in any situation. This is just one of them. It feels like yelling underwater and expecting someone to hear you.
browntrout02 wrote:
I’m not saying you’re wrong, but maybe there is more going on here. You stated that you work in a different department and he has no frame of reference for what you do. Then said you have similar jobs and know what he does. Are these the discrepancies that show up throughout your relationship as well?
You should be jealous and he should expect you to be jealous. I would recommend waiting until the jealousy fades a bit before talking to him about this. If you come at him seeming jealous, your message won’t be heard properly. I’m going with NTA.
OP responded:
Sorry I should have been more clear. He has no frame of reference because he doesn’t ask me details about my job. I ask him details all of the time so I have a pretty good understanding of what he is doing.I think the waiting advice is good advice though. I feel like I’m both being treated unfairly by the company and by him, but I’d like to be able to mentally split those up.
mysterion693 wrote:
As a fellow engineer, I found that relationships with other engineers were always competitions, with one person trying to one up the other, instead of supporting each other. You can kind of see it in the way you write your own post, like saying “I got 5/5 star reviews while he only got 3/5 star reviews”.
I think his comments were also rude and unsupportive but again, this sounds like him trying to one up you. If you want the relationship to work you’re going to have to find ways to listen and be supportive.
I’d honestly start with finding a new company to work for that respects the skills you bring to the table. This will also eliminate any competition between you two at work and hopefully allow you to work on supporting each other.
a-perpetual-novice wrote:
I’m a female software engineer (and POC) who certainly understands how org and management change timing can really mess with promotions. My husband (also an POC engineer at a different FAANG company) has gotten unlucky enough to get a new manager right before promotion time twice now. It really does happen and it truly sucks, I’m so sorry.
That sort of devil’s advocate thinking is really familiar to me, both in myself and other engineers and STEM types (but not all). Without detailed information from both sides, it is just hard for me to support someone who is venting about something.
Acknowledging that discrimination is certainly possible but he’s not in the position to know or further encourage particular theories or lines of thinking may be the best you can get from his personality type.
As far as how to handle things, just be honest. “I’m happy for you, but not really wanting to celebrate because of the lack of support when I talk about my promotion opportunities.” And leave it at that. You have to do thinking on if that sort of person is enough for you. I’m sorry you’re in that position.
brainybrink wrote:
I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just choose to date someone who likes you. Who believes you. Who has empathy for your situation and isn’t a condescending twat. Why are you so concerned about seeming unsupportive when he has so such qualms at all?
