“AITA for telling my girlfriend I’m not canceling my plans last minute to do manual labor?”

Back in December I (28M) built custom shelves in my basement for my physical media collection ( DVDs, VHS and blu ray ) and my popcorn bucket collection since I’m a movie buff. My girlfriend Elizabeth (27F) loved them and showed them off to her best friend Sarah.

Now unbeknownst to me, Sarah and Elizabeth made plans for me to build shelves in Sarah’s house because Sarah has a pretty large book collection and she’s tired of buying cheap bookshelves online. I didn’t find out until last Friday night when Elizabeth called me and told me not to make plans for the weekend because I need to go over to Sarah’s and build her shelves.

I told her absolutely not because I already had plans for my weekend. My best friend was coming back into town after being away for 3 years. He got married and moved up to Michigan so this was my first chance to see him in person in years. We made plans to go see the Return of The King re release, then go camping.

Plans she knew about a month in advance. Elizabeth got pissed and said it wouldn’t be a big deal if I canceled because it’s just a movie and I can watch it anytime so I need to cancel because Sarah already bought the wood and arranged for pickup at home depot at 9am that Saturday morning.

I said that’s not my problem, you don’t get to decide what I do in my free time. If you ask and I agree that’s one thing, but you don’t get to choose for me. She started fussing and saying I’m missing out on a chance to score brownie points with Sarah and I told her I’m almost 30 years old, I don’t care about scoring brownie points with anyone.

I don’t need Sarah’s approval, I need yours, and since we’ve been dating for a year I clearly already have it. Either way my plans weren’t changing. My buddy that came down had plans with his family so our trip was gonna be our only chance to see each other.

That’s more important to me than building some shelves. She was pissed but I told her you don’t get to just volunteer me for things, that isn’t fair to me. My buddy and I went out, saw our movie, went camping and had a great time. Sarah never got her wood picked up and I haven’t built those shelves.

Elizabeth has been catty with me ever since saying I embarrassed her. I don’t feel like I did, I think I set a boundary and she doesn’t like it. Because yes, I could build the shelves, but if you don’t respect me enough to ask me directly, just ambush me the night before with plans you made that don’t include me, why should I? AITA?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Mtngirl60 wrote:

NTA. I don’t care what your gender is, you do NOT get to volunteer your partner to do things for other people. Ever. Now, if your partner is picking up the kids at preschool, and your neighbors kid goes to the same preschool.

And you know your neighbors for a while. And it just happens to be your number. The neighbor has to call and say…my car died. Do you think your partner could pick up my kiddo? You guys are on my pick up list…

I’m pretty sure both of us would not mind getting that call from our partner. Hey neighbor’s car died. Can you please pick up their kid when you pick up ours? Because you see, most of us are like…sure. I’m already here. You’re not asking me to go out of my way. You’re not asking me to go and spend my whole day doing something for someone else without asking.

This is kind of an emergency, and of course, I’ll help our neighbor. But knowing your partner has plans and thinking, your friends deserve your partner and volunteer? No. That’s not how it works. And then in this case, to talk about brownie points? What are we? Ten?

So yeah, you have a girlfriend problem. A girlfriend who apparently finds her friends needs more important than your plans. Than your friends. Than your time. Than your effort. And now she’s being crappy about it? Again. I don’t care what your gender is this behavior. That is a hard pass for me.

OP responded:

Thank you. Gender doesn’t really factor in here to me either, it’s about respect, plain and simple, or the lack thereof.

GoalHistorical6867 wrote:

NTA. Your girlfriend was out of line agreeing for you to do something without consulting you first. In fact I find it highly disrespectful. I had friends do that to me once made arrangements for me to do something.And then didn’t tell me about it until the last minute. I said no I wouldn’t do it. But the thing is, your girlfriend should have asked you first before she promised for you to do something for other people.

TheWacoFogey wrote:

NTA. You shouldn’t get voluntold to do something without ever asking you, especially if you already had plans. Elizabeth’s entitlement is off the charts, especially for a GF, not to mention her subsequent attempts to manipulate you by suggesting you have to earn the approval of an outsider to stay in the relationship.

This may be a good moment to consider whether she is someone who would be a good partner, or whether she will continue to manipulate and boss you around.

OP responded:

Yeah I’m considering that, because we’re both adults here, neither one of us gets to make decisions for the other.

LurkeyTurkey113 wrote:

NTA but you need to have a frank talk with your girlfriend and boundaries. She shouldn’t be volunteering full days of your labor to her own family let alone her friends. And custom shelves for an extensive book collection? That is not a singular day off activity.

OP responded:

That’s very much how I’m feeling. I’ve tried to have a frank conversation with her but she’s brushed it off saying she’s not ready.