“How do I [26F] get over jealousy of my boyfriend [31M]’s friend?”
I likely sound like a crazy person writing this out, but I truly am looking for genuine advice in the situation, as it is taking a toll on my relationship.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We have a very solid relationship and we are planning to move in together soon. We have discussed marriage and taking that step, and I am generally happy with him. I truly do not have many complaints, other than constantly being irritated about how much time he spends with his best friend [31M]. We will call the best friend Josh.
For context, Josh is a very awkward guy who has never had a girlfriend, nor attempts to speak to women in any capacity. He does not even attempt to put himself out there. My boyfriend happens to be the only one of his friends (other than Josh) not yet married / living with his significant other, so he spends a lot of time with Josh and has expressed feeling bad for him and not wanting to abandon him.
Josh and my boyfriend take vacations together every year as they have the same hobbies, and they go on several weekend trips together a year. It seems like Josh is still not satisfied with this time spent together, as he is constantly up my boyfriend’s a** wanting to hang out, and does not respect boundaries.
It also should be noted that Josh does not hang out with anyone else other than my boyfriend. My boyfriend has expressed feeling bad for Josh and explaining he will always be in his life, as Josh makes it my boyfriend’s problem that he does not have a girlfriend or other friends to hang out with. He has often guilted my boyfriend over this when we have plans together.
Josh and my boyfriend, as I mentioned have the same hobbies. If I ever want to participate in these hobbies with my boyfriend, Josh is automatically there, no questions asked. This past weekend my boyfriend spent both Saturday and Sunday with Josh. Then, this evening, he was at Josh’s house again, which just enraged me. I do not know why I get so angry.
I think it is possibly because I know he will always be around, and I will likely have to deal with him multiple times a week. I cannot help but think my entire life with my boyfriend will be him feeling bad for Josh and constantly accommodating him. I think I am jealous of him because my boyfriend always has to consider his feelings. I don’t know what to do.
I do not plan to leave my boyfriend, nor do I think this is a situation where they are secretly together. I truly just think my boyfriend loves his best friend and wants to accommodate him constantly, and I don’t know how to get over my jealousy. I’m afraid that Josh means more to him than I do, even after all these years. So, how do I get over this?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
boredbkk wrote:
As someone else asked why after 5 years aren’t you and your BF living together? Because I’m sorry but either this is a completely over the top codependent relationship between these two 30yo men. Or it’s the obvious answer. These two men spend their vacations together, spend the majority of their free time together.
Both value hanging out together above you & your “BF” doing so. Your BF wont even live with you so as not to effect this guy feelings. They share all the same hobbies and interests to the point that any crossover with you must involve this other guy. Even your own feelings are telling you that this isn’t normal that he values a “friend” far and above you in every single metric.
But somehow not that one particular metric. How many of your BF’s previous relationships ended because of his fixation with Josh? I’ll take a wild stab in the dark and say all of them. How many relationships has Josh had with a girl? Another stab in the dark none. In 5 years have you ever heard a single thing about this guy that’s attached to your BF’s hip, so much as looking for a date? I’ll guess not.
Look either this is codependency on a massive scale where Josh couldn’t even imagine any other person playing a role in his life in any capacity other than your BF. Or he and your BF have been together this entire time. Unlike your BF Josh however didn’t feel the need to hide it by involving anyone else. Regardless of which it turns out to be you have a relationship ending problem with your BF. Sorry.
bicep123 wrote:
You’ve been together for 5 years and still don’t live together? Where is this relationship going? What are your plans? If you haven’t moved in together and planning a wedding within a year, are you just going to tread water until both BF and Josh are 40?
Important-Brik6906 wrote:
Sing it with me: “Whoa-ooooooooo-ooooooo-oooooo-ooooo-ah, trapped by my boyfriend’s bromance!”
You don’t like Josh. Your bf likes him. You won’t consider leaving your partner over the issue. So, what are your options?
Well, you haven’t really given yourself any. What is it that you want to happen? To get over your jealousy? Try some empathy, then. Surely Josh has some redeeming qualities, or else your bf wouldn’t hang out with him.
Perhaps you are getting too much Josh in your life. Tell your bf that you want to spend more time alone with him, and that Josh is not invited. Or, tell your bf to chose between you and Josh. Extreme, but you have every right to do that.
CompetitiveNinja668 wrote:
I would find Josh a girl. Problem solved.
